Page 22 of Sleep

“It’s not important. My mother didn’t even notice. I doubt she actually read it.”

“Mark,” they said, then blew their nose again. “We’ve known each other for decades. So many years. It’s a friendship I thought would last forever. It’s always been there. Easy. Floating in the background like a safety blanket. I have no idea how we’ve come to this. To a place where he hurts me and knows it. Deliberately. Just…” They made stabbing movements. Kicked their leg out in distress. Wrapped their arms around themselves again, shivering as another gust of wind hit. I welcomed it. I needed it to stay sharp. To think. To—

“Why am I so angry?”

I shrugged. “Anger can be good. Feelings are good. When you become hard and cold, your life becomes the same.” I spoke like I knew what I was talking about, and my thoughts were once again drawing outlines in the air, wondering if it was madness speaking or if I was finally figuring something out.

I would have bet on madness. So would Mabel, judging by the state of them—staring at me like I was about to throw them over that wall straight into the fast-flowing murky river. For the record, no. It wasn’t murder on my mind. It was something else.

“Everything I do seems like a fruitless battle. Like whatever I try my hand at, I fail. Every relationship I’ve been in, I’ve destroyed. And my friendships… I have to fight so hard, and then people just…”

I got that. I truly did. My early career had been marred by irresponsible actions and failures. But I also knew the excitement, how my body felt teetering on that sharp edge. When the finances didn’t quite add up to the tax offset and we were on the verge of considering failure as an option. The thrill of seeing the solution form, right there in front of us, the numbers moving on the page like magic. Those were battles I could fight and win. This one here was a different animal, but I understood it too, more than Mabel Donovan would ever know.

There was no magic here. Just the air and the wind on my face and another human being who was the warmth to my chills.

“Do you want to tell me what Mark did to cause this…upset?”

“Not upset. Just a realisation of my mistakes. He called me out, and I shouted at him, told me I had to learn to live with myself and actually function. I think I swore at him and threw that back in his face. Asked him how I was supposed to function when my entire life was one giant technical malfunction. Every part of me is broken, Jonny. Every little shitty part. Function? How the hell is someone like me supposed to function?”

“Someone like you?”

“Someone like me.” Another snort.

“Who are you? Tell me about Mabel Donovan.” An opening. A choice. An easy answer or the right one.

“So cold,” they muttered, pulling the coat around them.

The easy option then. Cleverly deflecting.

“What’s the plan, Donovan?” I used the name on purpose to get a reaction.

They rolled their eyes. “My car is in the garage on a day ticket. Need to move it before ten or I get a fine. Can’t really afford another fine.” They rubbed their nose.

“A fine is not the end of the world.”

“I may have a fancy name badge and look the part, but my wage barely covers the clothes on my back. Not all of us are millionaires, you know.”

Good comeback.

“I may have a fancy Wikipedia entry and a Time magazine cover. Doesn’t mean anything in the grander scheme of things.”

“I get that,” they said. Their voice had softened, the redness under their eyes now more of a bright pink. The cold wind still bit hard, though.

“Are you going back to work?” I asked. If I was starting to feel the cold, they must’ve been frozen to the bone.

“Nah. I resigned…I think. I shouted a lot, I can’t even remember what. And once our general manager gets wind of the whole catfight in the restaurant situation, I have no doubt I will be sent home on gardening leave while HR gets their heads together to figure out how to let me go without too much fuss. We have a reputation to uphold. No need for public fights and slanging matches in front of our regular customers.”

“I’m a regular customer. I saw nothing.” I crossed my arms.

They laughed. I loved that they did.

God, I was pathetic. Pathetic and love-struck. Even in the biting cold, with a thick coat and frostbitten cheeks, and a line of snot running from their perfectly formed nose, Mabel Donovan made me happy.

Shame I couldn’t figure out my next move because I needed one, right now, but when they smiled, I couldn’t even think straight.

10. Mabel

How we’d started walking, I couldn’t remember. But he’d got me onto my feet and, with his hand on the small of my back, gently walked me back to where I’d come from.

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