Page 90 of Sleep

The happiest I’d ever been.

“Are you still with me, Pickle?”

“Yes?”

“Enough serious talk. We’ve eaten. I need a shower. And after that, do you think you could…try out some of that…stuff…on me?”

“You want me to…” I had to shake myself out of the weird place where I’d mentally landed. Rolling back my shoulders, I let my voice slide down to a drawling whisper. “Play with your arse, baby?”

He just stared me down, something that made me…

Oh God. The things he made me feel.

“No, Mabel. I want you to fuck me. Hard. Push me, don’t let me chicken out. I want you to do all those things to me—the ones you told me turned you on. And I want to want it. Beg for it. I need it. Fuck me, Mabel. Properly.”

“Well, fuck me, Mr Templar. Where did all that come from?”

“As I said, we have enough on our minds, and we need to de-stress. Relax. You and me. I want it all, so let’s jump off another cliff.”

“A cliff.”

“Yes. Together.”

“Okay.”

“Good. Then get in the shower, Mabel.”

Well. Who was I to argue with that?

30. Jonathan

“Can I ask you something?” they said, standing at the foot of the bed, a terrifying array in front of them. My shameful purchases were splayed out against the white sheets, all my kinks, as Mabel so eloquently described them, right there for me to see.

“They looked less scary on the website,” I stuttered and shuffled from foot to foot, trying to cover my nakedness with the minuscule towel I had wrapped around me—the only clean one I could find. I say ‘clean’…I really needed to get on top of this laundry business because the towel did not smell good, and now Mabel was balancing a metal plug in their hand, watching me with a smile on their face.

“Jonny, darling. We don’t have to use any of these. But what we will do is look at them. I’ll talk you through what they do, and then you decide exactly what you’re interested in. Any you’re not keen on can go straight back in the box, back of the cupboard. No pressure here, none at all on my behalf. This is all for us to figure out.”

“I know,” I grumbled. “I’m just a little…embarrassed. I say things, and then it sinks in, and now suddenly I’m looking at all these…items, wondering what on earth I was thinking.”

“You were turned on by the idea, but that doesn’t mean you have to act on it. If you want to try anything, I’ll be right here. If you prefer to play with them alone and get comfortable with how these things are used, then they go straight back in the box for another time. There are no rules here, Jonny.”

I swallowed, staring at them. The tantalising drape of the towel around their waist. The flawless complexion of their pale skin. The way their hair fell around their face in soft waves. I wanted to touch it. Touch every inch of them. Plaster my body against theirs.

So that was what I did…and was surprised by how, suddenly, I was comfortable with all of this. How my terrifying fears of intimacy had become something I embraced instead. Because I could see it now. I had been terrified of what it all meant, what I had to admit. Who I would become if I truly accepted who I was.

I was a gay man, and I loved this human being standing right here in front of me. My head leaned against their shoulder, one hand on their chest, the other gently grasping at their hair. I loved how it felt against my fingers.

“What did you want to ask?” I murmured, my head already in that new half-state of bliss.

“I was going to ask…” The kissed my forehead. “Jonny, why don’t you use hearing aids? Wouldn’t they make your life easier?”

It was not the first time I’d been asked that. Nor was it one of my favourite of questions.

“Okay,” I breathed, wrapping my arms around them, chest to chest. I’d lost the towel somewhere in the two steps I’d taken to get closer, which was fine. I didn’t want anything between us. “Firstly, I’m not deaf, so…well. For some people, hearing aids are a lifesaver. They improve things, but they’re miracle workers.”

“Explain,” they said softly. I loved that they did.

“I got fitted for the top-end, latest-technology, stream-everything-straight-into-your-brain kind of hearing aids, custom-made and fine-tuned to restore as much of my hearing as possible.”

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