Page 18 of Rock the Chardonnay

Is this okay? It’s everything. He chases away all the doubt and old hurts.

I glue my body to his, turn my head, and pull his tongue into my mouth. His groan is a whole-body action, his arms jerking to hold me closer.

I grin and catch my breath as I nip at the scruff of his jaw. This part of him is warm spice, like a mug of hot cinnamon tea on a cold winter’s day. “Hell. Yes.”

Something snaps in Declan. His hands clench on my hips, and the polite, intriguing kisses become something primal and erotic. My mouth and body are his to play with, and damn, that boy knows all the rules to the game.

In moments, he has me up on the counter, my legs wrapped around him, his hands buried deep in my hair. I grind my core against his hard length, pleasure sparkling behind my eyes.

This is far better than thinking about my mom.

“Is this really happening?” Declan says softly, his lips trailing kisses like burning embers down my neck.

“If you want it to.” I take his earlobe gently between my teeth and tug, eliciting another deep groan from him that I feel all the way from my toes to my clit. “I’m all in if you are. You feel amazing.” This appeals far more to me than wallowing in my mommy issues. A few moments, a little pleasure. Some people’s drugs are alcohol, or nicotine. Mine is sex. It’s the one escape I crave. A hook up and a goodbye.

He unleashes a deep, trembling moan. “I’ve wanted you for so long.”

He has? Really? This isn’t how my hookups normally go. The moment of confusion makes me want to pull back, but Declan is here and warm and his arms are strong around me. Like he cherishes me and doesn’t want to let me go.

His kiss is feral and claiming and it chases away all those questions that tingle at the back of my mind.

Unfortunately, they keep creeping back in. Declan’s wanted me for years? I thought he barely tolerated me back then, and it always made me sad. I liked being around him, but after the first few times he visited, he made himself scarce when I was at his house. Which I had been, probably too often.

No. I don’t want to think about that. Not right now.

Declan is here, kissing me like I’m an eight thousand dollar dessert he wants to savor. Though he isn’t pressuring me, his erection presses against my center, and I want more. If we just get on with it and have sex, I can erase all the pesky feelings churning inside me.

“Declan,” I say, and he raises his gaze to mine, though it keeps straying to my lips, my breasts. His gaze is dark and inscrutable. I could drown in those eyes. The fact that I want to means I need to change this dynamic.

So I reach between us and palm his cock. His entire body shudders, but it gives me back some of the control that had slipped from my grasp. “I want you. Inside me. Will you do that?”

I rarely if ever come from P in V sex, but sometimes I want that full sensation, the desire, the wanting, more than the orgasm. That’s all I need now. Pleasure. Touch. Someone wanting me for something I can give. It makes me feel powerful and in control. If only for a moment.

So much of my life is in freefall usually. Financial security is a joke. I don’t have a wide ring of friends, since I like to keep to myself. It’s easier to leave that way.

A drummer I picked up at a club once told me that if I wanted control, I should have chosen a different career path. Success in music has very little to do with situations that are within my power, and not having money makes it all more complicated.

I managed that situation by fucking that guy’s mouth with my pussy and then leaving him, hard and wanting, in an alley.

Hey, he got to keep my panties so we all won.

Declan’s jaw slackens and his forehead dips to mine, pulling me back to the moment. It’s such an unexpectedly intimate gesture, making me feel warm and tingly. “Are you sure, Daughtry? I don’t want to hurt you.”

His sincerity makes it difficult to think, and every nerve on my body throbs with need. We have to get this over with. This entire experience is already heady and exciting and far better than I expected. There’s no way sex will measure up, and I can cross him off as one more notch in my experience list. That Time I Fucked My Ex’s Brother at His Mom’s House.

And I want him. I want to be filled for a moment, to chase away all the fears and doubts, but more than that, I want Declan.

That scares the shit out of me.

“Yes,” I say, nodding. “There are condoms and lube in my handbag. Condoms are a must, please. In the zippered pocket.”

This is a good idea. Definitely. Just like that drummer, or any of the others over the years.

“We don’t have to do this.” Declan’s voice is deep and sends shivers down my spine. He traces a line down the middle of my body, between my breasts, and south toward my core. “I won’t lie. I want you. But I think it’s too soon.”

Why is this making me swoon? Typically, I meet a guy, things escalate, we have sex, and I go home alone. Why is everything about Declan making me want to stay, to reassure him?

Control. I need my control.

---