Page 94 of Best Laid Plans

After we all had a drink, and since we lived next to each other, Nova agreed to let me walk her home. Another tiny win.

"Why are you doin' this?" she asked as we retraced the steps we had taken weeks ago when I'd walked her back another time when I was angry with her; when I'd kissed her.

"Walkin' you home, Sugar? 'Cause—"

"You know what I mean."

She hugged herself as she walked, keeping her distance from me. It hurt to see her in pain, holding herself away from me. I understood that, and in all honesty, if I believed that letting her live her life without me would mean her happiness, I'd do it. It wouldn't be easy, but I loved her enough to do it. But this past week, since we reconnected, I learned a few things about my Nova. She loved me. She was still in pain. Nothing from the past was resolved. She couldn't move on—and neither could I.

She had to give me a chance—give us one, so we could explore what we felt, this time as grown-ups without the baggage of immaturity, without my friends and family interfering with us. And if she allowed me to be with her for even a moment, I'd show her how good we could be together. I'd show her how much I had grown and changed. I'd show her how she had become my purpose. If only she'd lower her guard and let me in.

It wasn't going to be easy for her to do that. No matter how much I tried to convince her, she had to let go of the armor that kept her safe. After everything I'd done in our relationship—despite how hurt I felt now and how difficult it was for me—I knew it was much, much harder for her.

She didn't trust me. She had absolutely no reason to. I had fucked that up. Just saying, "Hey, doll, I'm not gonna screw this up again," wasn't going to cut it.

"I love you, Nova."

"God!" She yelped in frustration. "I wish you'd stop sayin' that, Anson. It fuckin' hurts."

"I'm sorry, Sugar. But it's true."

What else was there to say but that? I didn't want to hurt her ever again; I wanted to satisfy her, protect her, take her dancing, hold her hand, and watch her be a mother to our children and a wife to me. I wanted to see her succeed in all her dreams.

"I don't get it." Her back was ramrod straight as she walked. "I just don't get it, Anson. Why do you want us to exist? We're nothing but impossible…nothing but heartbreak wrapped in agony."

I closed my eyes as I heard in her voice the kind of anguish that caused wounds that never healed. I knew about those because I was bleeding within; had been for years, slowly and steadily, until all that was left was a carcass, not a real person. I'd become someone who didn't want to feel it because it hurt too much. Until I saw her again, I'd been skin and bone, without emotion. Now, I knew the difference, and I wanted to feel it all—the good and the bad. I wanted all the colors of the rainbow. I never wanted to live in black and white again.

"I've lived like a coward for many years. My only act of courage was dating you. Seeing you. Being with you. Loving you. Giving in to you. The rest of my life has been one compromise after the other to protect things like family name, reputation, legacy, and wealth."

We stood outside our building, and the doorman watched as we didn't make a move to go inside.

"I took the easy path every step of the way…except with you."

"And when you joined the military," she contended.

I chuckled. "Yeah. My parents were furious. But that was another act of cowardice. I was runnin' away from my life."

"Why?"

"Because without you…and I know you don't believe me, but without you, Sugar, life was…well, less. I loved you and hated you for not loving me. I should've talked to you. I should've protected you from Pete, from Bailey, from my sister. I should've been your champion and supporter. I should've had more courage," I finished.

"And now?"

"I've had a taste of you again, and I can't go back to a barren life. Even if it takes years, I'll just live close to you and beg for you on my knees, if that's what is needed."

Fuck! Would she make me wait years? We'd already wasted so much time, I didn't want to spend more years without her.

"And what if I start seein' someone else?" she demanded.

"That'll be hard for me…but probably harder for whoever you'll be seeing, 'cause I'll make that guy's life a living hell," I told her honestly. "I won't let you fall in love with another man."

"So, my choices are givin' in to you or being single and celibate for the rest of my life?" Temper flashed in her eyes.

"Yeah," I maintained. "I'm sorry, Nova, but you love me, and once you forgive me, you'll—"

"You arrogant son of a bitch." She pushed me then. The doorman cleared his throat.

She turned around to look at him. "Jimmy, ignore what's happenin' here, okay?"

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