Page 60 of Bad Duke

“Yeah, she needed money and Will made her promise that I wouldn’t find out about Mum not being dead. I guess she knew she could pass a sibling test so she told me she was my dad’s. It’s as clever as it is devious.”

“And what about that Samuel guy, did he know about this? He was the one who was trying to ensure you kept paying her.”

My wife makes a very valid point but it’s the least of my worries right now. She’s still in danger.

“I don’t know how a woman could do that to a child.” Olivia paces the floor in front of me, stroking little circles over her stomach while she lets everything I’ve explained sink in as I pour myself a drink.

“She’s not who I thought she was.” My fingers tighten around the crystal tumbler I'm holding and I have to fight the urge I have to throw it at the wall.

“She was obviously heartbroken over what happened to Will's dad.” She stops in front of me and rests herself on my lap.

“It’s no excuse, Liv, she left me here with a man who she knew was incapable of love.” I swirl the whisky round in my glass before I knock it back. “The truth is, she was a heartless, nasty bitch, and I’m sorry, Liv, because I really believed that there was some good in me.” I shift her off my lap so I can stand up. Suddenly it all seems like too much. My whole life feels like a lie, all my memories of her feel tainted.

“Alex,” Olivia calls after me when I start heading for the front door. “Alex, wait!” She keeps calling but I don’t stop. “So help you, God, if you make me run after you while I’m carrying your baby…” Her words have me halting on my feet and turning around, allowing her time to waddle her way through the hall and stand in front of me.

“Tell me what you’re talking about.” She looks up at me with sad, pitiful eyes.

“I thought she was good. I convinced myself that I couldn’t be all bad because I was half hers, and it turns out she was just as selfish and spiteful as my old man.” I sound so weak and I fucking feel it too. “What hope have I got now?” I shrug, looking at the woman who I’ve convinced to make a life with me. It all feels like a con.

“No, you're not like either of them, you're you.” She tugs on my arm when she feels me start to move away. “You can be sweet and thoughtful, look at the way you take care of us.” She smiles.

“I’m also a murderer, and the man who got what he wanted by putting you in a situation you couldn’t get out of,” I remind her. Sometimes I think Olivia has been so swept up in the changes to her life that she loses sight of that.

“I don’t care. I don’t care what got me here, and I don’t care that your stubborn ass wants to keep me here and shut me off from the outside world. I’m happy when I’m with you. I like the person you are when you're with me. I like how my Alex is different from the Alex the rest of the world gets and I know you're not all bad. You can’t lose faith in that now.” She takes my hand and places it on her stomach, reminding me why not.

“You know, when she left, she promised me she’d visit in one month and take me to the beach.” I look down at my hand and how it rests on the hard ridge of her stomach. I haven’t even met our child yet and I’m already worried about letting it down. “I’d never been to the beach before. Dad was always too busy for holidays and he’d never have let Mum take me by herself when they were together. I couldn’t wait to see the ocean and I was missing her so much, I was counting down those days.” I smile to myself when I remember how excited I was to see her again. “ When I found out she’d killed herself I got so mad. I kept thinking to myself, ‘Why did she make that promise?’ ‘Why couldn’t she have waited just a week and had that last memory with me?’” I feel my eyes start to sting again and quickly pull myself back together.

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore. I want to forget she and my father existed and focus on us.” I slide one hand over the side of her bump while my other lifts up to cradle her face.

“I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you about Beatrice, I think you're really going to like her.” I manage a smile for the woman who deserves all the good out of me, even if I have to dig really deep to find it.

“No more secrets.” She looks up at me and when I think about her brother, my stomach ties in knots.

“No more secrets,” I promise, because sometimes a lie is far less painful than the truth.

OLIVIA

TWO WEEKS LATER

“I can’t believe I get to have one of these soon.” I smile at baby Millie as she lays on the floor of our living room and kicks her legs.

“How long have you got left now?” Harriet looks down at my ever-expanding stomach. I ordered a bunch of maternity clothes a few days ago because nothing fits anymore and now, I don’t think I’ll ever go back to wearing jeans again.

“Ten weeks.” I smile, letting all those mixed feelings stir up again. I’m so excited to see what mine and Alex’s baby looks like, I’m desperate to hold her in my arms but at the same time, the thought of going through labour terrifies me.

“Just be really honest. Did it hurt?” I take a breath and prepare for her answer. I did start to watch some videos on YouTube but I chickened out after a few minutes.

“I had an epidural so I barely felt anything. I think it’s different for everyone. I can remember how scared I was about it though.” She gives me a knowing smile. “What I can tell you, is that it was worth it.” I see the adoration she has for her little girl when she looks at her.

“So, have you got the nursery ready yet? I’ll bet baby Stanley's room is bigger than our entire house.” She looks up at the ceiling of the living room.

“No, we decided to have the baby sleeping in with us for a while. And we don’t have confirmation if it’s a boy or girl yet so we’ll wait till she gets here before we think about decor.”

“She? I thought you said you didn’t know.”

“I know, Alex is in denial. He sees himself with a son and I see myself with a little girl.” I tickle Millie’s tummy and make her giggle.

“Olivia, while I’m here. I really need to tell you something.” Harriet’s smile fades and suddenly turns the conversation serious. I thought it was strange her insisting that she come over here today. We always do Wednesdays and she sounded very assertive on the phone when she asked to make it today instead.

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