Page 78 of Cardinal

"Juliet." Still bewildered, he let out a breathy chuckle of disbelief as he shook his head. "I am sorry, I must have misheard you. I thought you just said you wanted me to sexually assault you."

I didn't blame him for the denial and his response in general. After all, I had a hard time coming to terms with it myself until recently.

Keeping my face serious, I reached out and took the hand that held the collar. "You heard me right. It sounds so fucked up, but I want you to force yourself on me, pin me down, take me, let me fight against you all I can… It was a hard thing for me to accept until recently, but I need you to take that control away from me." Oh God, this was not going as well as I thought.

Whatever speech I had planned in my mind flew out the window at his shocked expression earlier. "I know rape fantasy isn't everyone's forte and whatnot, but I want to replace that night's memories with ones of you and me. So that whenever I think about being assaulted, all I can think about is how I wanted it, and it's with you." Frowning in discomfort, I squeezed his hand briefly. "I just want to take back that night and make it my own. I also just want to redo that night. I want to struggle, to fight like I wanted to."

Okay, maybe breaking up with Luciano didn't seem like a bad idea now, given how his face twisted with concern and uncertainty. "Juliet… are you of your sound mind and body right now? Maybe we should have this conversation tomorrow when you aren't riding on the high of what happened at your ex-parents."

"No!" I tightened my grip on him to prevent him from stepping away from me. "I thought about this long and hard, and trust me, it wasn't a decision that I came to on a whim," I assured him with a sure look.

Looking down at the collar in his palm, I lightly stroked the length of it. "On the day of our argument, I was going to give this to you and ask for what I am saying now, only maybe a little less blunt and less assaulty." I chuckled dryly with a sad smile.

"During the past weeks, being away from you gave me some time to think about our relationship fully. I really thought about what I needed and wanted to go forward with our relationship." Now, I felt like a selfish prick talking about what I needed and wanted. "I need this to fully give myself to you and be the woman you need."

Peering up at him tentatively, I smiled pleadingly. "I need you to free me by taking me for yourself. I need you to make me submit to you."

The past few weeks of freedom proved that I should not have complete control over my life, nor did I want to. Yeah, it was nice to run the show, but I got out of hand too much. Also, I didn't like not having a direction to go in and having to make a decision myself or making my own path.

Also, I hated being the authority. I liked challenging authority—well, I liked challenging Luciano. Yeah, I needed Luciano to take back control of my life, or at least as much as I was willing to give him.

"You don't have to give me an answer tonight or any time soon. I want you to have time to process and think about it all before giving me an answer. I know it's not easy for me to get this out and ask it of you. I actually feel like a bitch for asking something like this from you." Offering him a sheepish smile, I pulled my hand back and curled his hand up around the collar. "When you have really thought about it, we can discuss it more. But for now, keep the collar. If you don't want to proceed with any of it, you can give it back to me or trash it. If not, keep it because I want you to lock it around my neck when you make me yours."

Gingerly, I grabbed the front of his shirt with trembling hands to pull him down a little so I could kiss his cheek. "I'll get your stuff ready for you." It felt a little awkward to stand around Luciano right now.

I felt so dirty and exposed from telling him all of that, but it also felt relieving with how light my chest felt now. Although, I couldn't help but worry about what Luciano thought of me. I mean, who in their right mind would ask someone to rape them?

It sounded so crude and fucked up, but it was valid—according to my therapist and the BDSM community. As long as it was done safely and correctly, rape fantasies were a good catharsis and a way for trauma victims to heal because of the aspect of control they regain with the scene.

Yes, I was asking something insane, but it didn't mean I wanted to be sexually assaulted by anyone. I wanted Luciano to force himself on me on my terms. He would do it because I wanted it. Me, it was all me.

I refuse to let those bastards ruin my first sexual experience. I know the memory and fact of it won't ever truly go away, but I will build something better over that pile of shit.

This is my life, and I am taking it back.

Breathing deeply, I shoved my thoughts aside and busied myself inside our closet to gather Luciano's tactical clothes. In the height of today's planned events, I had forgotten about his outing tonight.

Best girlfriend in the world, am I right?

It probably would have been best to leave our conversation for tomorrow so his mind would be clear for the mission, but I had to get it off my chest. I know it was selfish of me, but if I stewed on it any longer, then I might have exploded or locked it away and damaged my relationship with Luciano further—possibly to the point of no return.

Seeing Luciano how I left him made the guilt of laying it all on him deepen with each step I took toward him. "I'll leave you to get ready." I couldn't bring myself to look at him as I set the clothes on the dresser.

Then, like a beaten puppy, I dragged my feet towards the door, only to be stopped when my hand turned the doorknob. My body spun around in a dizzying movement, and strong arms crushed me in an embrace. "I promise we will talk about this first thing tomorrow morning." He promised with a kiss to my temple.

Unable to help it, I cracked a smile with my dry chuckle and hugged him back. "Come back to me alive and in one piece." It was the most I could demand of him out there. Telling him to stay safe and unharmed would be something impossible, given the nature of the activity. It wouldn't be fair of me to tell him to be safe and unharmed or demand that he stop doing what he needed to do.

"Always, amorina, always." His chest rumbled with his heartwarming chuckle. "Can't let any other man have a chance at you. Otherwise, I would have to disturb my peaceful rest to dig my way out of my own grave." He joked with a laugh, making me laugh as well.

"You are so possessive," I remarked with a roll of my eyes as I pulled away.

Before I could fully remove myself, Luciano grabbed my face, making me gasp when I caught sight of his burning eyes as they closed in on me. Words jumbled in my mouth, muffled by his lips and tongue invading my intimate space in a breathtaking kiss. "I am only possessive of you, amorina, because you are mine." He growled against my trembling lips. "And were you really going to leave without giving me my good luck kiss?"

My mouth opened, but no words came out because I was too busy melting under his possessive and dominating gaze and grin. No matter how much I tried to recollect myself to say something, I couldn't because my brain decided to remain in Luciano Land instead. So, all I could do was stare at him like a love-struck idiot.

Sucking in a sharp breath, he strained out a groan. "Amorina, stop looking at me like that." His lips lingered dangerously close to mine, letting his hot breath wash over me.

"L-like w-what?" I wasn't aware of my facial expressions right now. Did I look stupid?

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