Page 38 of Cardinal

"I did not reject him." I corrected Gale with a soft glare after whacking the pillow away. "I just told him I needed more time." Which, I mean, could be seen along the lines of rejection, I guess. "And I am not being dramatic…!"

"Basically a rejection," Gale shrugged his shoulders softly with a pitying stretch of his lips. "And I hate to break it to ya, but he's a man with needs. He's not going to wait around forever for you, but you're also blowing this out of proportion. He's doing nothing wrong with going on a dinner with some woman for business purposes."

I wanted to argue with Gale, but he was right. Luciano and I weren't an exclusive item, nor did we make any promises to wait for each other… And maybe I was exaggerating things a bit… It was stupid but true.

"He doesn't even like that woman, so why even do business with her..." I continued to grumble with a scowl. "He just told Aidan the other day that she's annoying."

And, of course, Luciano just shrugged me off whenever I brought up the topic of women and relationships with him.

It was probably pathetic of me to run away from Luciano with my tail tucked between my legs that night at the event, but I couldn't find it within myself to agree to a full relationship with him, no matter how hard I tried. It wasn't because I was scared of him after seeing the bloodbath he made, either.

Honestly, I found it rather exciting and amazing that he could do all that with his bare hands. And something about watching him get all worked up and feral in the ring got my blood pumping and passion burning until I ached with need between my legs. I wanted to jump him in the ring that night, and I would have if my reservations weren't intact.

The only thing that held me back from fully falling into Luciano was me. What kind of person would I be if I was with a man like him? Why the fuck was I fine with the thought of being with him? He was a mafia boss, a very violent and ruthless one. I really should be sprinting for the hills, terrified as hell, but my instincts told me to stay. Luciano was my safe space, my comfort person.

Even after seeing him all bloody and sweaty that night, I gladly let him hold me while the blood of others painted his skin. It took me a minute or two, but I got over my disgust for the blood. Then, the fact I had been so fine with it all terrified me. It wasn't normal to be fine with any of that.

Like, how insane must I be to find comfort in the arms of a killer? To want to seek happiness in them?

I hesitated for my sake and sanity, and I still did now. I hated the thought of him being with any other woman; it always got my blood rushing until the heat of anger ached my body. Yet, I still couldn't bring myself to be his woman.

Did I even deserve to be his woman, though? Would that even be fair to him?

Crazy mafia boss or not, he was a good man underneath—in my humble opinion. He deserved more than a broken girl like me. Someone who could actually take care of him and his needs.

As much as I lusted for Luciano, sometimes it wasn't enough to keep the monsters at bay. Luciano deserved a woman who could serve his every need and whim without hesitation and someone who was experienced. I couldn't guarantee any of that to him because what if I randomly got triggered in the middle? I didn't want his pleasure to be ruined because of my trauma. Or if he wanted something and I couldn't give it to him because I didn't know how. Or if I just couldn't because of the trauma.

I didn't know when I would fully recover from everything either because everyone processed things differently at their own unique pace. Sometimes, great strides would be made; others would be baby steps.

It wouldn't be fair of me to make Luciano suffer my recovery with me.

Then again, was anything in life fair?

"Juliet?" Gale's concerned voice became distant as the bad thoughts flooded my mind.

Down and down I went, spiraling until I went under with no way up. But that was fine; there was nothing up on the surface for me. Luciano wouldn't be there forever. Gale would eventually leave me for college. My other friends couldn't care less about me.

Trash.

Broken.

Useless.

Dirty.

Tainted.

A whore.

That's all I am.

Oh God, they're touching me again.

I don't like it! Make it stop!

I can't breathe. Can't catch my breath.

Everything is hurting. Everything is numb.

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