Page 29 of Cardinal

Smiling sadly, I moved my hand up her body to her nape, rubbing it with my fingers. "I hope your light continues to grow and never dims, no matter what choice you make." I couldn't ruin her, and I would do my best to preserve what goodness she had in her heart and soul if she were to join my side.

Scoffing and chuckling dryly, I felt her head shake. "I think it's a little late for that."

If I wasn't driving, then I would've taken her face into my hands and said some stern words or pulled her over my knee. But for now, I had to settle with choking her softly by slipping my hand around the column of her neck from the back. "Juliet, do not make me pull this car over to teach you a lesson already and make us late," I warned her with a subtle squeeze. "I hate being late."

The subtle vibrations of her words tickled my hand. "Luciano, is it wrong that I like you choking me?" I could feel the subtle bob of her throat when she swallowed hard. "It always feels so calming to me and gets me turned on sometimes. And I feel like it should feel wrong after everything, but I like it when you're close. I crave for you to touch and guide me."

Loosening my hold, I stroked her neck gently with my fingers. "No, nothing wrong with kinks and preferences, especially for a little bratty submissive like you." It was a loaded conversation; one this car ride wouldn't even begin to cover. "We can talk about that tomorrow or sometime after tonight. It's a lot to cover, and how we go about things depends on your decision about us after you witness everything tonight."

"You make me sound like a child saying I'm a brat, and saying I'm submissive makes it sound like I'm weak." She remarked with a 'hmph' at the end.

"Depending on context, it could very well mean that, but that's not the case here. A brat and a submissive are roles in a BDSM dynamic, and nothing about them makes you feel weak. Just because you are submissive does not indicate a lack of power. If anything, the submissive in any dynamic is the strongest because of the total control they have." I needed to put a lid on it before I overloaded her before the night even began. "But that's something we can talk in-depth about later or something you can explore on your own and ask me about."

Sighing reluctantly, I suggested to her, "You can also ask Aidan since he's more knowledgeable and can probably teach you about it in a way that's more understandable than me." Did I want her to talk to my friend about sex and BDSM? No, not particularly, but I knew for a damn fact Aidan would be able to navigate it a lot better than me because of his lifestyle.

Humming softly, I felt her head shake. "It's okay. I can wait to talk to you about it after researching." I couldn't help but let out a sigh of relief at her response.

Thank fucking God.

Then, after a brief silence, I asked the dreaded question. "Juliet, do you like me because I saved you, and is it that aspect that you love and grew your emotions on? Or is it something else?" I wanted to see if she was on the right road to begin with.

Sighing heavily, Juliet chuckled dryly. "I actually spoke to my therapist about that quite a bit over the past few weeks. I thought about my gravitation towards you and my feelings towards you. I thought I was displacing my emotions and clinging onto you because you saved me and whatnot, but after I got over my gratitude for you, I still found myself fascinated with you and wanting to know more about you. Your presence alone is enough to calm me and keep me more than content. I can relax around you, feel safe, and stuff." Her words trailed out into a strangle of incomprehensible mumbles before she recollected herself. "Sorry, my mind rushed ahead of me." Her body shook softly with her sheepish chuckle.

Letting out a long sigh, she leaned against my arm. "I thought the feelings would simmer once I reconnected with my friends, especially Gale, who I always found comfort in as much as I do with you. Yet, I felt nothing close to the warmth and bliss I always feel with you." The soft pads of her fingers danced along the back of my fingers, making me shiver softly at the contrast between our bodies.

Her delicate fingers pried at my stiff ones until I released her neck. Then, she held my hand in her lap before continuing, "Although, I guess I've only fallen for a part of you, and if I am being honest, I am more afraid of losing what I have developed for you after seeing your true self tonight. I mean, I know that's the point, for me to know what kind of man you are to see if I can feel for all of you…"

"But you are afraid of the other possibilities." I finished in a somber but understanding voice. "Just know that no matter what you decide tonight or after, I will still be there for you in whatever way you need. Whether it be a friend or a lover, I won't abandon you based on your decision." It would be very shitty of me to completely shun her if she rejected me or chose to keep me at a certain distance.

At least, if she decided to keep me in the friend zone, that would make my life a lot easier with moving on from her. I wouldn't have to worry about hurting her feelings or think about ways to let her down easily.

Unfortunately, the idea of her as a friend irked me. An ache threatened to pull the corners of my lips down into a deep scowl when I thought about not being able to have her intimately. Which was fucking confusing and stupid because wasn't that my goal? To not have her as a lover?

This weird situation between us confused me more than I liked to admit because I really shouldn't have her—I didn't deserve her. Yet, the selfish part of me challenged all of that. Because why not? Why couldn't I have her? I was Luciano fucking Agosti, and I could have whatever the fuck I desired in this damn world. I could very well force the lie of the marriage onto Juliet and turn it into a truth, and she won't be able to do anything about it. And I won't lie; I have entertained the idea more than I should've throughout the past month, especially when I felt myself grow a little fed up about Juliet's little stubborn stint.

If she weren't a traumatized woman who needed a careful hand, then I very well might have kicked her door down, thrown her over my shoulder, and forced her down the aisle.

Yeah, very fucked up of me to even think about that, but something about Juliet made my desires go haywire.

On the other hand, whenever my sense of whatever sanity I had was intact and functioning, I instantly backtracked.

It was a constant tug-of-war in me when it came to Juliet, and I hated it. Not as much as I hated the thought of not having her as mine, though.

God, how the hell did Juliet throw my stable life into such turmoil?

Okay, maybe my life wasn't stable to start with, but it was livable. I had my routines, thoughts, and emotions as straight as possible. Then Juliet came along like a tornado and fucked it all up, making me feel like some incompetent teenage boy crushing for the first time. It was ridiculous because I was a grown fucking man! I shouldn't feel this lack of control over myself because of someone like Juliet.

Yeah, in theory, letting her go if she didn't feel the same way should be easy. I mean, I never had any issues in my past relationships if things didn't work out. However, I have never felt such intense lust for someone until Juliet. No matter how many relationships I've been in, I have never loved any of them. None of them made my breath hitch with a racing heart or invoke such eagerness from me.

As much as I wanted to shove Juliet out of my life, I always found myself rounding back to her at the end of the day, whether it be physically or mentally.

Juliet had a fucking chokehold on me.

And I didn't want to escape.

Chapter 18

Juliet

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