Page 26 of Cardinal

Scoffing, I ran a hand through my hair and gripped at it. "I haven't exactly shown her any part of the real me, just the mushy and somewhat cold side when I try to distance her." Going full mafia boss around Juliet was definitely not in the plans at all.

Groaning exasperatedly, Leah threw her hands up and ran them down her face. "Then fucking sit down and talk to her, let her in, show her your true self and the world you live in, and then let her decide for herself whether or not she wants to remain in it after you've gone through all the risks with her." Rolling her eyes at me, she kicked her leg out and caught my shin with the tip of her shoe.

Then, a devious smile crept its way onto Leah's face, sending a wary shiver down my spine. "Take her to your fight tonight." It wasn't so much a suggestion as it was a command.

Groaning tiredly, I rubbed at my temples with my thumb and forefinger. "You can't be fucking serious, Leah." Of all the ideas of easing Juliet into my hectic life, taking her to one of my fights right off the bat like that would be the worst idea. "If there's one way to scare her off for good, then my fight tonight with no preparation would be it."

"Or it's a good way. I mean, it might be a bit of a shock to her, but if she saw the bloody and violent part of your life, then for sure, she'll know what she'll get into." Leah remarked with a shrug of her shoulders. "She can handle it. Trust me. I'm a doctor."

"Isn't that like the last famous words before something tragic happens?" I joked with a dry chuckle and shook my head.

Standing up, Leah placed a hand on my shoulder and softly squeezed it. "Show her The Devil and let her decide whether she wants to continue her feelings with you." Then, she gave me a somewhat sad smile. "Either she will run into your arms or away, but she can't make that decision until she sees you for who you truly are."

That's what I was afraid of. She probably would run for the hills if she saw my ugly side. Granted, that would solve my issue with wanting her away from me, but my heart hated that idea.

I didn't want Juliet to run anywhere but right into my bloody arms after tonight.

Question is: is she ready to meet The Devil in all his gory glory?

Chapter 16

Juliet

"Get out of my room!"

Luciano barely gave me a warning before barging in, which pissed me off. Needless to say, I was more than fed up with Luciano for cowardly dipping that night I challenged him about a month ago. It was bold of me and probably insane, but I wanted to egg him into action. I wanted him to lay his hands on me, take me, and release the fire burning in his eyes until his very essence was seared into me.

God, I hated how I felt this way. It felt so wrong to desire someone so strongly after what I went through. I shouldn't want anyone, and I don't, kind of. I didn't want anyone physically or intimately. Well, anyone but Luciano because somehow, he lit a fire in me that somehow turned into a raging inferno.

When I brought up the concerns of my fixation and feelings towards Luciano to my therapist, she assured me it wasn't something completely abnormal. The fact I wasn't hypersexual towards him or completely inebriated by him was a good sign, according to the therapist.

She assured me that it was fine and somewhat typical for me to develop feelings for the person whom I defined as my safe space, err person. It could be interpreted as a typical trauma response, clinging to my savior and all, and I kind of took it as that for a little while until it was clear my feelings for him weren't a result of that.

Well, trauma response was a huge information dump onto me after a few sessions, and I still barely grasped and accepted it myself.

Apparently, trauma response went beyond being an anxious mess and shutting everyone out like how it was portrayed most of the time. There was nothing typical when it came to trauma—yeah, that was still a hard pill for me to digest. I still felt disgusted and confused about my feelings towards everyone around me—for the most part.

Some people I used to be fine around now set me on edge, even after a month of hanging around them. Hell, I was barely adjusting to some normalcy with some, but I still kept them at a distance all the same.

I was paranoid of nearly everyone, hesitant to try anything or go anywhere new even though I had the urge to explore.

It also felt wrong to recover and be 'fine' while others in similar situations weren't.

Why should I be better before others? Why should I even get better in the first place?

Well, my guilt about it all was being slowly chipped away at by the therapist to where I didn't beat myself up over it.

Besides my guilt being a hindrance in my road to recovery, there was my anger in knowing the people who did this to me—and probably others—were still free out there. How and why should I be 'fine' knowing my assailants were still out there? It also wasn't fair that I had to suffer and learn how to be myself again, to piece my broken soul back together while they continued on with their merry lives as if they did nothing wrong.

It was utter bullshit!

Taking a few deep breaths, I slowly counted in my head to ease my storming rage. "Luciano, please… Get out of my room. I can't deal with you today. I just want to be alone." My tired voice dragged out of my defeated body.

I expected to hear a sigh and retreating footsteps, so imagine my fucking surprise when he bluntly said, "No." Then, he rounded the desk to pull me away by my chair. "We are going out tonight. There is an important event that requires your presence."

Annoyed, I rolled my eyes and scoffed at him as I reached out and grabbed the edge of my desk to pull myself back, only to be kept in place by his firm hand on the back of my chair. "There are nicer ways to ask me out on a date." I snarked in mock playfulness.

"But no thanks. Pretty sure the Barbie of the week would be better arm candy and company." Yeah, I wasn't amused by any means about him seeing other women. But hey, what right or say did I have in that matter? I was only a broken whore he picked up off the streets and kept out of pity.

---