Page 71 of The System

“But that’s not true, Kieran,” Carina replied. “There is something going on. It might not be sexual, but you flirted with me earlier.”

“So, you did notice?”

“Of course, I noticed. I am keenly aware of you and everything about you these days.”

“Keenly aware?”

“I saw you staring at me in the hall, too,” Carina said. “I saw that because I was staring at you. You turned away and tried to make it look like you were watching someone else, but you weren’t.”

“Carina, I–”

“No, I know. And it’s a bad idea for us to even be friends right now, so let’s just…” She sighed. “Maybe not see each other for a while in any context.”

“You don’t want to see me?” Kieran checked.

“You know I do,” she replied. “Which is the problem.”

“So, we’re just not going to talk anymore, then?” Kieran asked. “I don’t want that, Carina. And you’re not on her case anymore. We should be able to talk whenever we want now.”

“I need some space on this, Kieran.” Carina’s coffee arrived, and she gripped the hot mug with both hands, needing something to distract herself with. “This thing with you is new. I like you. You know that. And I wanted to go on an actual date with you, but this is my career. This is decades of work that I could be throwing away because I’ve been stupid and didn’t want to have to give you up to have what I want professionally. Now, things are gray, and lawyers and judges, we don’t like gray. We like black and white; guilty and not guilty; evidence proves beyond a reasonable doubt, or it doesn’t.”

“But reasonable doubt is gray, Carina. Who’s to say that your reason and my reason are equal? That one jury convicts on the evidence, but a different jury wouldn’t find someone not guilty on the same evidence? That’s life. It’s gray. It’s murky. It’s scary, sometimes. I know because it scares me, too. It’s real, though, and sometimes, gray is all we have.” She looked down at Carina’s coffee mug. “You can add the same amount of cream to that coffee that you always do, and it might taste bad because the waitress made the coffee extra strong or extra weak this morning. That’s a cup of coffee, and you deal with life and death at work. It’s complicated, but what you do is important. You try to keep the bad guys behind bars to protect the good guys you try to keep out, but it doesn’t always work out that way.”

“I know that,” Carina said softly.

“I’m only saying that friendship or more is gray, too, and that whatever two people choose to do or have with each other should be their business. It doesn’t belong to Frank Richard, some judge, or an ethics committee. Whatever it is, it belongs to them, and they’ve done nothing wrong.”

Carina looked at her and said, “Maybe not. But since I don’t know how much trouble I’m in, I’m hoping you can give me some space.”

Kieran nodded and stood up.

“Okay. I’ll go, then.”

“You know this isn’t what I want, though, right?” Carina asked.

“I know. Can we at least just agree that we’re still friends?”

“Of course, we can,” Carina replied, smiling at her. “And I just mean a day or two, Kieran. Maybe longer, but I’ll let you know. I need to find out how this friendship is going to impact my job.”

“Okay,” Kieran said. “I’ll talk to you then, I guess.”

CHAPTER 22

Five days had gone by since she’d seen Carina. Kieran had been checking her phone repeatedly for a text message or a missed call, but nothing had come so far. She’d even checked her email spam folder in case Carina had sent her an email instead, and it had ended up there. No such luck. Kieran wanted to be patient, but it was proving difficult. She’d even talked to Ruthie, who had suggested that she text Carina and tell her that she just wanted to make sure Carina was okay, but Kieran knew Carina would see through that lie within seconds, and it might push her further away. No, Kieran would be respectful of Carina’s ask for space. She’d also gone to visit Marin, and after scolding Frank Richard and telling him not to even dare file that official complaint because nothing had happened between them, she’d run into Dylan, who’d been dropping off a prisoner for another officer she was covering for.

“We’re having a party at our place on Saturday night,” Dylan had told her. “It’s just a small thing; maybe twenty or so people. You should come. You look like you could use a night out where you’re not worrying about all this.” She’d motioned around the parking lot of the county jail.

“I shouldn’t. I have a lot of work I need to catch up on, and I’m researching lawyers now because Frank Richard really pissed me off, and I’m going to do anything I can to get Marin to let me pay for someone.”

“I heard about that.”

“Carina told you?”

“Yeah. She called me, and we all went out for drinks.”

“Is she okay?” Kieran had asked. “She’s not… talking to me right now.”

“She’s okay,” Dylan had said. “No official complaint has been filed yet. And the longer it goes without one, the less likely it’ll be that he files it.”

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