Page 31 of Endless Southern Love

If I hadn’t been watching her, studying her, I would’ve missed her expression change from aggravation to shock. It was quick, but I saw.

“That . . .” She pauses and inhales. “That doesn’t change things.”

“Why not?” I ask, throwing my hands up. She stares at me while I wait for her to tell me why things can’t change. I step closer, wanting to be near her.

“Why not, Lemon?” My voice is quiet, full of remorse and longing.

Lemon takes a deep, shuddering breath. “Because I don’t like . . .”

“Me?” I interrupt her, hoping I’m giving her the easy way out by nodding.

Her gaze meets mine. I step closer to her and reach for her hand, my thumb caressing her soft skin. “I know that’s not true, Lemon. I could tell by the way you just kissed me back. By the way you held me.”

Lemon drops her hand from mine and steps back. I hate that she’s insisting there needs to be space between us when there doesn’t. She crosses her arms under her breasts again. “You’re a good kisser. Always have been.”

I can’t help it but smile.

“But that doesn’t change how I feel.”

“How do you feel?” I fight the urge to close the ridiculous gap between us.

Her gaze penetrates mine. “I’m jealous,” she says, spewing the horrible word out of her mouth.

I can’t help it and scoff, regretting the action immediately. She doesn’t need me to be a dick right now. “I already told you. Ana and I aren’t a couple. Never have been. Never will be. You have absolutely nothing to be jealous of, Lemon.” I run my hand over my hat again and shake my head. “If I had known this years ago, things would be so different between us.”

She inhales deeply, shaking her head. “I’m not jealous of Ana. I’m jealous of Goldie.”

I freeze and stare, certain I didn’t hear her correctly. I asked her earlier if she was jealous of Goldie and she said no. “I don’t understand.”

“Because she should be my daughter. Not Ana’s.”

twelve

lemon

My feet slog through the soaked grass preventing me from stomping away from him. I want to scream and make a scene so he knows how hurt I am, but I don’t.

I can’t.

It’s not because I’m mature or even natured. It’s because I don’t know whether I should cry out in frustration with how I feel toward a child or cry out because when Wade kissed me, it was like everything was right in my world again. Being in his arms was like being home again. For the longest time I thought of him as that—as home. My safe space. The one I could count on for anything. The one who would be there, no matter what.

The problem with Wade . . . was me. I was the issue. When I went to college, I wanted to go to a place where I could grow without him. For as long as I could remember, we were Wade and Lemon.

Always together.

Always one.

I felt like I had no individuality and figured college would give it to me. At first, I hated it. I missed Wade terribly and phone calls weren’t cutting it. Each time one of us had a long weekend or vacation, we were together, but the end of vacation only worsened my longing for him.

For us.

One day, everything changed. It’s like I woke up and decided I didn’t need Wade in my life. I wanted to be independent but instead I was waiting around for him to call. Feeling like I had to call him suddenly felt like a burden. When you’re in college, life is supposed to be about self-discovery. The only thing that should matter is your grades. Not whether your boyfriend is going to call at noon on Sunday or wonder if you missed his call.

I didn’t want to live like that. At the time, I thought being single—and ready to mingle according to Leslie—was what college kids did. Why be tied down, especially in a long-distance relationship.

Other friends although now that I look at it, they weren’t really friends convinced me Wade was cheating. He was in a fraternity and all “frat boys” cheat. At first, I didn’t believe any of them, but then I saw the guys on campus. I saw how they acted. They were different when their girlfriends came to visit. Surely, Wade was doing the same.

Now that I think back, I fought with Wade intentionally. I initiated every horrible conversation with him for no reason other than people led me to think he would cheat on me. After I broke up with him, telling him I needed a break, I cried for days.

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