Page 68 of Fight

I had too much time to think in the truck on the way home, overwhelmed by the sudden change of events. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy not to be handcuffed to a bed anymore, but there’s been a lot of change in a short amount of time.

Three scent matches. Fuck. I never thought I’d have any with the help of my alpha pheromone blocking spray, but it seems that biology and instincts are a bitch. I’ve been drawn to Auggie since the moment I saw him.

Standing, I put the vacuum away, stepping out of my shoes to put them away. Walking through the room, I move things to other places that make sense only to me, twitch my bedspread so it’s perfectly straight, and realize I'm also tapping two of my fingers together on my left hand as I walk.

Stimming is never a good thing.

Too much change, too much everything. Fuck. Pulling off my clothes, I toss them into a hamper and open my closet. I put on a large hoodie that Auggie jokes may as well be mine at this point. I'm so mad at him for lying, but it won’t stop me from snuggling deeply into the sweater.

The evidence of our connection is right in front of me. It’s more than being best friends, we’re meant to be together by destiny. Sighing, I drop to my knees to arrange my blankets the way I like them.

The soft, light-blue blanket is first, though there’s a wide sleeping bag underneath it for cushion. Then, I have a deep teal fluffy chunky knit blanket that goes over the light blue one, and then finally a royal purple weighted blanket.

Taking a shuddering breath, I crawl into the closet, closing the door behind me to close off the light. The dark doesn’t bother me here because I know every inch of this huge closet.

When Auggie and I were initially looking for an apartment, he made sure I would get the largest closet for my nest. I told him it wasn’t important, to which he glared at me and threatened to spank my ass.

I’ve never been so turned on in my entire life, and I have the perfect closet. Half of the space is for my clothes, shoes, and purses, but the area I’m in now is my nest.

Reaching up to where a little switch dangles by my left hand, I turn on the little fairy lights that I hung inside. They’re purple, the perfect color to soothe me as I drop the switch and climb into the blankets. The weight of them immediately makes my body feel boneless as I place my head on one of my pillows. The rest of them surround my body, creating a fort around me.

My life is surrounded by uncertainty. The second my alpha pheromone spray’s effectiveness ends, I’ll be dropped into the deep end of difficult decisions. Complicated questions run through my mind, and I can barely focus on one before the next pops into my mind.

This is what a free fall feels like for an omega. Not everyone has severe anxiety, obsessive compulsion, or the need to stim when things feel out of control. That’s the beauty and quiet horror of everyone being so different. The horror is that you don’t know if you’re normal when it’s happening or if you’re slowly losing your mind.

Just like my mother did.

Breathing deeply, I run my fingers over each blanket in order of what’s on top. The weighted blanket is smooth, while the knit one is slightly rough from the yarn, and so on. The ritual grounds me as I feel the different textures, which helps me separate out each question in my mind as I touch each blanket over and over.

What will I do when I’m forced to face that all of these alphas are my scent matches? I silently promised myself that it doesn’t exist until it activates on my end. Well, now the countdown is on, since I took my last dose over forty-eight hours ago. It could continue to last for several days, or end in a few minutes.

I have no idea, because of its potency. However, stress and the infusions may force it out of my system faster. There’s no way to know until it happens. Man, I love playing Russian Roulette with my biology.

The sarcasm is practically dripping from my thoughts, detracting from my zen. Forcing myself to shake myself from my spiral, I turn on the diffuser I have in my nest with clary sage. I’m pulling out the big guns, but my last way to pull myself from this is to ask Auggie to purr for me, and I’m way too stubborn to do that.

I can handle this.

Breathing deeply, my lashes flutter at the calming scent.

I can handle anything because I’m a badass. I have no experience with dating, but now I have three alphas as my scent matches, and my best friend’s boyfriend. How did a virgin find herself in this predicament?

“Just chill out, it’s not the end of the world yet,” I whisper to myself.

Tommy and Jasper take up all the air in the room, which is why I ran to my bedroom for the inhaler. I already felt as if I couldn’t breathe, I needed my safety blanket in the form of a puff. It’s like alpha repellent.

Unfortunately, my plan went to shit, and now I need to put on my big girl panties.

Tomorrow, I’ll put on clothes that make me feel like a badass, find ways to make Jasper and Tommy decide I’m too much for them and send them packing back to Chicago, and only have one alpha to figure out.

One is better than three. I need less complications in my life. My heat is in just a few days, and I don’t think I’ll be strong enough to go through it alone. It hurts so much, ramping up in pain each time. My body is punishing me for denying myself.

I never told Auggie, because he’d never leave if he knew that each self inflicted heat spent alone brought me closer to madness.

“I’m not strong enough,” I whisper. Omegas aren’t meant to do this alone, which is why Aisling and Wren are also working on a program for omegas who want to spend their heat with a pack. They’ll be able to switch packs each month, or stick with one.

The hope is that less omegas will have this ripping pain run through their bodies each month with no safe recourse.

Taking a deeper breath than before, I smell cinnamon bark and grapefruit. There’s nothing in my closet that should smell like that, and I frown as I snuggle into my sweater in concern. Soon, I’m surrounded by that scent.

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