Page 91 of It's Always Sonny

I’m glad he can’t see my very indulgent smile. “Are you saying I’m hot?”

“Painfully hot. Smoking hot. Scorching hot. Nothing I haven’t told you a million times before,” he says. And then he makes a sound like he’s spitting. “But we gotta do something about your hair.”

“I know. It’s insane. If it weren’t so much warmer down, I’d put it up already.”

“Why have long hair if you don’t wear it down, though? I’ve never understood why you don’t just cut it.”

“Are you insane? I love my hair. It’s my best feature. Ariana Grande wishes she looked as good as I do in a high ponytail.”

Sonny’s sigh is full of contentment.

“What?”

“I love when you go full PJ. You are salty enough to de-ice every road in this state.”

“Oh, hush. Now that I know you’re safe, maybe we should stop talking and go to sleep.”

“Oh, no. We’re not sleeping until we’ve talked some things out.”

My stomach flips. “Like what? What do we need to talk out?”

“Why did you have to smile that fake smile today?”

“Why didn’t you want me to get involved in the activities?”

“Because I was trying to make sure you chose them on your own! I was scared you wouldn’t feel like you could disagree because I don’t think you always felt safe doing that with me before.”

“Yeah, well I was worried you didn’t want me around and I felt stupid and didn’t know how to make your family like me when you didn’t seem to.”

“Did you want to be involved?”

“I loved it,” I admit. “Ropes course aside.”

“That’s a given.”

“Did you want me there?”

“Yes, dummy! I want you to want to be with my family! I want you to wonder how you fit in with everyone! I want you and Sienna to be the most competitive people on the field together, and I want you and Lauren and Amber forming an awesome sisters-in-law clique where you plot to take the rest of us down.” His body is getting tenser, and his heart rate is speeding up. I can feel the pulse in his neck racing against my cheek.

“You’re getting a little ahead of yourself.”

He squeezes his hands and takes a deep, calming breath. “You’re right. But I’m not sorry about telling you how I feel. PJ, I’ve changed, and the way I feel for you has changed.”

Wait.

The way he feels for me has changed? Then what is all this talk about? Is he prepping me to break my heart?

“Hey, stop backing away,” he says. “I’m not done.”

His arms are already draped across my waist, but it’s been about life and death. The way his arm rocks me even closer to him (how is that even possible?) is not about life and death.

“PJ, I need to say some things, and I need you to tamp down your natural instinct to shut the world out and assume there’s something wrong with you. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a remarkable, strong, sexy brat, and I love all of that about you.”

“Brat?”

“Shut up and listen,” he says with a growl that thaws my cold heart. “I messed up when we were dating. I didn’t know how to tolerate seeing you in pain. I treated you like you needed to be fixed, and my solution was to distract you because that’s what worked with my sister when we were kids. It was the wrong solution. I was so insanely in love with you that I didn’t want you to feel a moment of unhappiness, but that wasn’t fair. You’re allowed to be sad. You’re allowed to panic and be angry and not want to throw an axe. I can love you when you’re down just as well as when you’re up.”

I squeeze my eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from dripping down my face and onto his shoulder and chest, and he continues. “I want this to be the first family reunion you come to with us, not the last. I want you. If seven years apart has taught me anything, it’s that I’ll never stop wanting you in my life.”

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