Page 76 of It's Always Sonny

Sienna comes over and collapses into giggles with us.

“What did we do before you came along, Parker?” Amber asks, wiping her eyes.

Sienna pushes her. “Oh, stop. Like you weren’t having fun until this week?”

“Of course we’ve had fun. Parker has simply leveled the playing field. ”

Seeing Lauren and Amber laughing and cheering on their destructive toddlers warms me more than the space heaters. Sienna watches the kids longingly, and when she puts her hand on her flat, thin stomach, I have to turn away.

There are too many emotions. Too much joy and sorrow, and I can’t handle them all warring in my chest.

I can’t get this invested. I can’t care that Sonny’s sister looks longingly at her nieces and nephews. I can’t care that his sisters-in-law are making me feel like one of them. I can’t care that Nonna makes me feel like a future like this is somehow possible.

I can’t care that I want a life with Sonny more than ever.

Because as much as I want to be like Nonna and fit in with Sonny’s family, I’m not and I don’t. Not really.

I close my eyes and envision shoving all of these emotions into a box. And then I lock that box the heck up.

I turn back around, feeling collected. I put back on my professional smile as Daniel and Harry wave at me. I wish I knew someone I could set Daniel up with. He asked me about Ash when we were getting ready for the ropes course, but she’s off limits while Rusty’s alive and breathing.

Heck, if I met him in another life, maybe I’d even be interested. But I met Sonny first.

Once you’ve seen the glory of the sun, no other light compares. Even if you’ll go blind looking at it.

Ash comes over to hang out with me, and I feel a bit of the stiffness in my spine ease.

“You doing okay?”

“I think so.”

“Are you and Sonny back together?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

Max walks by and sticks his tongue out at me.

I stick my tongue back out at him.

He smiles.

“I’ve never seen you this happy,” Ash says, moving past my silence. “Why are you holding back, PJ?”

“I don’t know. Maybe I’m scared. Everything seems so good between us, but what if, deep down, we’re still the same messes we were then? What if we try and fail again?”

“I don’t think you’re afraid of that at all,” Ash says. “I think you’re afraid you won’t.”

“What does that mean?”

“Listen, I don’t know anything about psychology, but I don’t think you’ve ever been afraid of failure. When you fall, you get back up again. That’s who you are.” Ash’s words are light, but her blue eyes are as earnest as I’ve ever seen them.

“That’s crazy. Everyone is afraid of failing,” I say, feeling weirdly defensive.

“Parker, come on,” Ash says. “You were captain of the debate team, an elite gymnast, first chair in flute, blah blah blah. I’m sorry, but your accomplishments are legit boring to me at this point. You graduated top in your class from one of the best business schools in the world. You have arrived! What could you possibly accomplish that would make your parents proud?”

I pause, and a tingling sensation spreads out from my chest to my limbs. I’ve never thought of it like that. “Nothing. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them.”

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