Page 94 of It's Always Sonny

“Of course I can! Of course I do!” I tip his face toward mine. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known, Sonny. But you have to know that even if you’d done everything right, even if I’d earned an A plus in that class, I still would have pushed you away.”

“Why?”

I try to think of how to say it.

“I was an excellent gymnast. I’m not talking Simone Biles, but I was good enough for almost any college team. Except for uneven bars. It made my parents crazy. They’d spent all that money and all those years putting me in the most competitive program in the Northeast, and I could not overcome my fear of falling. I was a failure to them. Do you know what happened to me when I didn’t win a medal in a tournament? They didn’t talk to me for the rest of the night. Can you imagine what that was like for me? My dad cared more about the patient he was cutting into the next day than me. My mom cared more about what trophies I won than the daughter hyperventilating in the corner of the bathroom.”

“I wish I’d known.”

“I couldn’t stand to tell you,” I admit. “If my own parents found me that unlovable, what would you think? I couldn’t handle the thought of you realizing what a worthless train wreck I was and leaving me, too. I spent so much time trying to fit into their mold and no matter how good I was, I was never good enough for them.”

“And then I tried to force you into my mold. I’m so sorry.”

His understanding makes me cry again.

Sonny kisses my head over and over, and I close my eyes and let him. The feeling of his lips, of his arms around me, of our bodies entwined … it soothes me. There’s nothing sexual about it. It’s soul-deep.

“I can’t imagine what that was like for you. My parents weren’t perfect, but my mom always apologized for getting angry with us. Yours made you feel bad for their mistakes. That’s inexcusable.”

“It is,” I say, thinking of the way Felix, Harry, and Noah have been treated in their imperfections.

“I’m sorry I didn’t realize how much pressure I put on you to fit my perception of you.”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to tell you.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t see you.”

“I’m sorry I was too scared to do long distance.”

“I’m sorry I transferred.”

“I’m sorry I went Ice Queen.”

“You were never an Ice Queen. You were cool as ice. And I like ice.”

I stop, letting every swirling thought and every word from his lips settle. “Sonny, let’s stop apologizing for the past. Little Parker and Little Sonny did the best they could. And look who they became.”

“You mean sexier? That’s what you mean, right?”

“What else?”

Sonny tilts my head up and kisses my nose, his lips brushing the tiny hairs and sending a wave of tingles up my forehead and down the back of my head and spine. “I’m glad we’re here now.”

Then he rests his head back down and breathes in and out slowly. I match my breath to his, and it’s so slow, it almost puts me to sleep.

“Me too.”

Chapter Twenty-Four

Sonny

PJ has been asleep in my arms for at least an hour. Maybe two.

I haven’t slept a wink.

Because she’s in my arms. We are tangled up together in a sleeping bag very much made for one, and she’s drooling on my shoulder and her hair is down and her face is bare and she’s so gorgeous, I could stare at her all night, if the lantern weren’t almost dead.

I’m recovering from hypothermia, yet this night has been the best in as long as I can remember. PJ opened up. She talked about her feelings. She helped me realize I was even stupider than I ever knew, and she forgave me for it.

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