Page 148 of By His Rule

It is not pretty.

My hair is a mess, and my makeup is ruined. It's smeared around my puffy eyes and streaked down my cheeks.

Why he wanted to kiss me is beyond me. I’m not sure I’ve looked more like a hot mess in my life.

Lifting my hand to my mouth, I press my fingertips against my lips as softly as his lips did.

My stomach flutters as I recall that very brief moment.

I kissed Kian Callahan.

No, I didn’t just kiss Kian Callahan. I kissed my boss.

The man who proposed only hours ago that we should start up a fake relationship to get rid of my stage-five clinger ex.

Christ, this is a mess.

And it only gets worse when I look down at my dress.

My beautiful, ridiculously expensive dress with a massive, ugly rip up the front.

Dropping my hand to the ruined fabric, I fight the lump that crawls up my throat.

Needing to get out of the dress and wash every inch of tonight from my body, I drag the zipper down and let the heavy fabric pool on the floor around my feet.

I push my thong from my hips and leave that on top of the pile as I move toward the shower. After placing my shower cap on my messy updo, I step under the hot water.

I wish I could say that the lingering fear of being stuck in that elevator swirls down the drain, but it’s not the case. While I was in Kian’s arms, it was easy to push it aside.

But now I’m alone again…

At least the lights have come back on.

Grabbing my sponge, I load it up with as much of my favorite shower gel as it’ll take, and then I scrub every single inch of my skin until I’m red and sore. If I wash hard enough, it’ll erase my past, my memories and nightmares from my body, right?

Sadly, just like all the other times in my life I’ve begged for relief, it never comes, and as the water runs cold and I finally step out of the shower, the feelings still linger.

I do the best I can to remember the mess on my face, but I’m losing the fight with my exhaustion, and before I’ve done a proper job, I’m stumbling into my bedroom to find some pajamas.

The hot chocolate Jamie so thoughtfully made for me sits on my dresser, and seeing as it’s in a thermal cup, I grab it before I crawl into bed.

It’s no longer hot, but it’s not cold either.

I drink it absently, letting the sweetness soothe me in the way that only chocolate can before I sink between the sheets and will sleep to come.

Everything will feel easier in the morning. I’ll be able to process my thoughts better in the bright light of day.

My eyes are sore when I open them the next morning, reminding me with agonizing clarity that I cried on Kian’s shoulder after freaking the fuck out in that elevator.

I should have been stronger.

Maybe if he hadn’t ripped the ground from beneath me with that stupid proposal to be his fake girlfriend, then I might have managed to work my way through it without falling back into old habits.

With a groan of irritation that he’s taking up headspace before I’ve even rolled out of bed, I throw my legs over the edge and pad through to my bathroom to freshen up. What I really need is coffee, but that’s going to have to wait.

I throw a zip-up hoodie around my body and finally emerge from my bedroom. The second I step into the hallway, I suck in a deep breath that I pray isn’t going to contain the scent of him like I’m sure I can still smell in my bedroom. But I quickly discover it isn’t the case.

He may have only been here for a few minutes, but it seems his presence in my life is determined to remain at the forefront of my mind.

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