Page 10 of Pucking Billionaire

Jason flicks Parker on the forehead for using the Friday moniker yet again. He’s fighting a losing battle, though. Since he was born in a New Jersey township named Voorhees and is a goalie, Friday the 13th jokes are as inevitable as stabbings at Camp Crystal Lake.

“Eating lentils all the time doesn’t make you fart,” I say for what feels like the millionth time. “Your body adjusts.”

Some of my teammates nod, but most make fart jokes, like the overgrown children they are. The annoying part is that I know that they know more about nutrition than the average person, being athletes and all. I simply took my diet a step further than needed for hockey by following an eating plan that was lab-tested at Octothorpe. Combined with some prescription medicine and dietary supplements, my diet is meant to slow aging to a crawl, and at thirty-seven years of age, I feel like I’m in my twenties. Still, I will be the first person at this table to retire, and owning this team is the best way to keep these knuckleheads in my life.

“What did the new owner look like?” Jason asks.

“Why?” I ask suspiciously.

He shrugs. “If she’s not too hideous, maybe you can convince her to sell the team using your… charms.”

The rest of the team make sounds reminiscent of a pack of horny hyenas.

“She’s not unattractive,” I say grudgingly. “But I doubt she’d want to have anything to do with my charms, even if they were the last charms on Earth.”

And the feeling is mutual.

“Not unattractive?” Jason squeezes his gyro until tzatziki sauce drips onto his lap. “Maybe I should help a brother out, with my ‘charms.’”

“Fuck no.” I almost punch his face to punctuate the point, then check myself just in time because what the fuck is wrong with me?

Everyone stops eating and stares at me in confusion.

Jason cocks his head. “You like her?”

He and the rest of the team have been trying to get me laid for a month now, but I’ve been practicing celibacy.

Do I like Ladybug?

The idea is absurd.

I haven’t liked anyone for a while now, and if I were going to end that streak, it wouldn’t be with a disagreeable gold digger. Also, she’s way too young.

“Oh, I get it,” Jason says to everyone conspiratorially. “He can’t act on it because she owns the team. If he tapped that, and then they broke up, things would get pretty bad.”

I can’t believe he says “tap that” unironically. Also, unbelievably, the idiot makes a good point—like a stopped clock that’s right twice a day. Not that I needed his point to avoid Ladybug the way an aphid would her insect namesake.

“Can we talk about anything else?” I imbue the question with enough threat to make sure everyone knows that if they push, their face will resemble that wall in the lawyer’s office.

“Sure,” Jason says with an impish grin. “Seen any new nature documentaries lately?”

I groan. I let him share my Netflix account, and this is the thanks I get. He must have spied on my Recently Watched, which are all nature documentaries because they help me relax.

“Sure, I saw one about ladybugs,” I say with a straight face. If I don’t show them that it bothers me, the teasing will subside more quickly. Hopefully. “They’re carnivorous and therefore a natural insecticide, which is why they’re considered a lucky charm all over the globe.”

With loud snore sounds, Jason drops his head toward his plate, stopping only an inch away from it. “Shit. That was so boring I fell asleep.”

“You should repeat what you just said, but in the voice of David Attenborough,” Parker says.

“If you know who David Attenborough is, you must’ve seen your own share of nature documentaries,” I point out.

“No, I haven’t,” Parker replies, a bit too quickly. “Also, it’s Sir David Attenborough.”

I grin as the ribbing turns Parker’s way—with everyone insisting he call them sir also, followed by more nonsense.

I sigh. My teammates are like my brothers, for better or for worse. When it counts, we have each other’s backs and wouldn’t tease about something real, like my button thing. In fact, no one has said anything, but I’ve noticed they’ve started wearing buttonless tracksuits when I’m around, even when we go out to fancy clubs.

Fuck. If I don’t buy the team, I’m going to let them down. What if she makes changes that impact us for the worse? Or?—

---