Page 87 of Tempest

“Is that why you asked me here? Because Gavin is upset?”

“No. I’ve wanted this opportunity for a long time. After my behavior the other night, I thought it was best to just ask for it.” She takes a sip of her coffee before she continues, “Let me start there. My boyfriend wanted to see a game; he’d never watched hockey until we started dating. I didn’t tell Gavin or Tori I’d purchased tickets, but Tori texted to tell me you were at the game with her, and I thought I’d use the opportunity to meet you again. It was stupid and I made a worse decision when Gav got hurt. I was operating on old habits, not new situations. I took care of him for so long, I forgot that it’s not my place anymore.”

“You love him.”

“He’s family, Odette. He’s been family since before we knew the meaning and he’s the father of my daughter. I’ll always love him, but not how you’re meant to love a spouse or a partner. That isn’t something we’ve ever shared between us.”

“He’s said the same,” I say. “How is that possible?”

“How did we spend so much time married? Necessity, at first. I’m sure he’s explained why we got married,” she says, and waits for my acknowledgment. I nod. “It may have seemed like we’d have a support system back home, but that wasn’t really the case. Neither of our mothers would have been very helpful. They could offer some financial help, but I would have been on my own in most ways. Plus, the toll it would have taken on Gavin being away from the baby. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I think I underestimated the long-term impacts. For both of us, and for you. I was selfish enough at eighteen to pretend that you wouldn’t be hurt by it all. That you’d move to Manhattan and live a wonderful life and forget all about us. I believed that because it was easier for me to believe it. It let me live without the guilt that I’d come in between two people in love. After a while, we became complacent. We moved through every day completing all the tasks we had to, flashing smiles for friends and family. Putting on a believable show that crumbled to nothing every night when we were alone. Then one day, I met a man. Only then did I realize just how fucked up our life was.”

“Even then you didn’t end it,” I prompt.

“It’s hard, you know? Regretting our marriage but also not, because it gave Tori the childhood she had. I don’t know how to reconcile it, Odette. I imagine it’s the same for Gav. What I do know is that I’m glad you have each other now. That I don’t want to get in the way of that, and that I’m sorry for what we put you through. What I have put you through.”

“Reconciling was hard for me, too, until I met Tori. I adore your daughter, who I know wouldn’t be the same person if she wasn’t raised the way she was,” I say. “I understand the reasons you got married. I don’t harbor any hate there.”

“She loves you, if you didn’t know already. She thinks the world of you.” She takes another sip of her coffee. “We both hope it works out for you and Gav. If it does, I don’t want things to be strained between us. Do you think that’s possible?”

“It comes down to this, Caroline. I won’t ever step on your toes as Tori’s mom, or Gavin’s friend,” I say. “But when you needed him the most, I walked away without drama. I respected what you both needed even though it fucking broke me to do it. Now, we have a second chance and I need you to give me the same level of respect. I’m not asking you to disappear from his life, not like I had to do. You’ll never have to live a day without his friendship and support, you’ll never have to know the loss of that. But I am saying that you no longer get to step into the roles that are now mine. He’s not yours to comfort and care for after a game, he’s not yours to touch, or say you love him. Not anymore.”

Caroline wipes a tear away. She’ll never understand what it was like for me, and I hope she never experiences heartbreak like that. But maybe she at least sees that it wasn’t easy for me. That it still isn’t easy for me.

After I meet with Caroline, I go to Gavin’s. He called to say that Tori left after he took his final cognitive test and passed with flying colors. He’s officially off concussion protocol and cleared to skate in the morning.

There are still things we need to figure out, of course. While my conversation with Caroline was productive, it’s not her that I need to know is committed to seeing Gavin and I work. We both need to be. So far, I’ve been too scared to. And he, well, he hasn’t taken the control I need to feel safe.

It’s not flowers and baked goods that I need from him. Though, I appreciate both. It’s certainty that I want, the knowledge that I only come behind Tori. That when he needs to be taken care of, it’s me he wants to do it. That I’m more than just the woman he likes to fuck.

Gavin meets me at the door when I get to his house.

“Hello, Mr. No Concussion.”

“Hi, Ms. Boss Bitch.” He pulls me in for a hug, pressing a kiss to the crown of my head. “Did you get it handled?”

“Of course.” He picks me up off my feet, carrying me inside and kicking the door shut behind him. Not stopping until we’re in the kitchen and he’s setting me on the counter so we’re eye to eye.

“Do you want to tell me about the flowers?”

“I don’t like yellow flowers.”

“I’ll make note of it if you explain.” He tips my chin up with a finger when I try to avert my gaze.

“There were yellow flowers at your wedding.”

“I don’t remember that,” he says. “I remember being depressed and worried that I was making the wrong decision. I remember wishing it was you standing in front of me. Pretending it was you because that’s the only way I could get through the day. I remember missing the fuck out of you. And I remember feeling guilty as hell for those thoughts. All of that I remember like it was yesterday, but if you’d asked if there were flowers there, I would have said no.”

“I remembered that detail for you, I guess.”

“I’m sad you do. I hate that you’ve lived with that, and I’d take it away if there was any way I could,” he says. “I’m sorry you came home after a hard night to them. I handled some business yesterday, too.”

“What business?”

“I called Caroline. I told her that the only woman who has that kind of access to me is you. Nothing like that will happen again, Ode. I promise, and I’m sorry I didn’t set some parameters before something like that happened. That, like so many other things, is my fault. I’ll own them, and I’ll learn from them. Okay?”

“I’m sorry I’ve been so…fragile.”

“You’re not fragile, Ode. You’re cautious in one area of your life. Only one. Otherwise, you’re as strong as any hockey player I know. You’re passionate and you care, and you don’t let people get walked over or taken advantage of. How could you ever see yourself as fragile?”

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