Page 45 of Tempest

It’s not information I’m privy to, of course. I mean nothing in all of this.

I feel that all too hard when Caroline steps into the room with her dad at her arm, and Gavin’s face lights up in a broad smile. My stomach sinks. There’s joy there now, not like the smile he wore for me on our last night together. I pasted on mine when I told him I understood his decision. That I didn’t hate him for it, I never could. That he was a good man and should be proud of that.

It would be easier if I could. It would be easier to bury this pain in anger.

Life can prepare you for a lot of things, but not watching the person you’re in love with vow their life to someone else. I hear every word over the blood rushing through my head. To have and to hold…’til death.

They’re planning on forever while I can’t imagine what tomorrow looks like.

I shouldn’t be here.

I’m not supposed to be here. If he wanted me here, he’d have asked. Not that he would have.

I’m alone in this, I’m on the outside, an intruder.

The uninvited.

After they seal their vows with a kiss more passionate than you’d expect from friends, I sneak back out the way I came. I live within walking distance and run all the way home, barging through my front door to find the house as empty as I feel. But even alone, it feels confining and I rush right back out through the back door until I’m at the far corner of our small lot where my mother’s dainty yellow flowers bloom.

I drop to my knees and pull them out by the roots until I collapse in sobs, dirt caked under my nails. There, I bury this hurt. I bury this love. I let my tears dry and lock down my poor, battered heart.

14

Gavin

Fuck, that hit is going to hurt later.

I shake it off and race down the ice, succeeding in getting the puck back from Jenkin. Keeping control of it, I get a pass off to Wylder, who takes a shot at goal. It’s blocked but Fane gets the rebound goal.

Getting to the bench, I roll my shoulders, trying to release the tension. I just can’t take the physicality like I used to. These younger players are hungry and tough. While I’m still fit as fuck, I don’t recover the same as a twenty-two-year-old. Some of these guys are closer to Tori in age than me, and it’s a bleak reminder of how old I am in this game. Like, she could be dating one of these chucklefucks.

I pop my neck to the side and hear it crack, feeling instant relief in my body, if not my mind. But I keep my head in the game. We’re on a streak and I’m determined to have a winning season to retire on.

Once I’m back on the ice, I take another check to the boards that I’m sure is going to leave me bruised. That’s just part of my life now, though. Again, I shake it off and keep my eye on the puck. This time, it’s Letty who has control but no clear shot. I position myself just outside the crease so when he passes it off to Axel, the latter can pass on to me as I partially blind New York’s view. I shove it toward the net, the light goes off, and we’ve scored another goal.

Up by three, we have a little more room to breathe, but hockey moves fast, and you can lose a lead as quickly as you gain it. We manage to keep it, though, winning our fifth game in a row.

I feel like a tenderized piece of meat afterward, but the ice bath the trainers push me into helps some.

“Doesn’t look so big to me,” Blom says, peeking over the rim as he walks by.

“Fuck off,” I laugh, tossing a piece of ice at him. The guys have been razzing me relentlessly since they met Odette. She’s liked by them all and I wish we were in a place where I could bring her around more.

We’re not, though, and I have to accept it as a consequence of my own decisions. She doesn’t understand why I chose the things I did. Why I chose to marry Caroline. Not past the point of not wanting to abandon my kid, anyway. While I’d love nothing more than to try and explain it all to her, it’s obvious she doesn’t want to hear it. Or can’t.

Would I be able to hear it if I was in her shoes? If I’d gone to her wedding and watched her marry someone else? The thought of that knots my stomach. If that’s the effect that idea has on me now, I can only imagine what it would have been like for her then. When our feelings were all so fresh and raw.

I was in love with Odette. I know that now, even though I didn’t ever say the words to her then. But she doesn’t know it. And I doubt I could convince her of it today.

She was there at my wedding. I can’t believe she came.

I lean my head back and let the cold eat away at me. I deserve this for everything I put her through. Even now, I’m still causing her turmoil, when all I want is to get to know her again. To finally have the chance we were denied the first time around.

That might be out of reach, but I can’t give up yet. I didn’t fight for her before, I won’t make that choice again. If I’m the cause of why she spends her life alone, and I suspect I am, it’s my responsibility to try and fix that. Or help her heal from it. Because when I needed it most, she was kind and gracious, even while she was breaking.

It’s a favor I need to return. Somehow.

Fuck, it hurts to think of her the day of my wedding. It physically hurts like a knife to the gut, stabbing over and over. What she said the other night plays on repeat in my mind. I can picture her lying in bed that night imagining me and Caroline entwined together in newlywed bliss.

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