Page 114 of Winterfall Destiny

What shocked me? There’s no block. Tobias claims the Confederacy placed one in his mind to hold back his urges once they recruited him, but I saw nothing but Tobias's own mental barriers against his past. Is Tobias lying or does he genuinely believe the Confederacy altered his mind?

And I also witnessed that past. The fact this guy lost his shit with me for tracking humans back in the day makes him the biggest fucking hypocrite. What I did before Maeve isn't even close to Tobias's old idea of fun. The images blinded me with fury as my mental attack blinded him. If those memories lie that near to the surface, how long before he tries crap like that on Maeve?

Yet I know that's illogical. Tobias couldn't and wouldn't hurt Maeve; if there's no Confederacy block, he's controlling himself. But the echo of Maeve's name seized me, violently pushing away any rationality.

Nobody touches Maeve, and if he ever does anything close to that to Maeve, he’ll be fucking sorry. Even the thought surges the desire to act, and I take a deep breath. I managed to hold back from seriously injuring Tobias that day, barely dipping my fingers into the well of power now deep in my body. How deep is that well?

I'm frustrated that I haven't found the chance to push and test the power against an enemy—to get some practice before I get a hold of Mother Dearest. Will I be able to hold back if anybody's attacked today? Because I'm about to walk into a situation filled with threats.

The richer earthy scents created by rain on the dry ground are only a part of the intense senses I'm growing accustomed to. How much of the brighter colours and heightened sounds comes from new exposure to daylight, and how much from the new blood within me?

Blood. Humans' blood didn't faze me, but Maeve's blood continues to fill my thoughts obsessively. By avoiding Maeve, am I making that worse instead of better? I've made excuses to leave rooms when we're alone in close proximity because the pressure builds painfully inside, mentally and physically. I'm pissed off that the First's words about desires gnaw at me as much as the desires themselves, because she buried doubt into my mind that's contributing.

In my alone time, I do the opposite to what I told Tobias that day—I fill my mind with images and memories of Maeve from the past and concentrate on those. Every single one, from the first not-so-tentative kiss to our nights together at the academy, and I'd focus on evoking the scent of her shampoo and perfume that once hid her blood scent enough to keep me calm.

The days when we were Maeve and her Andrei.

As I sit in those moments, I fight the tug towards the new hunger for Maeve, how everything about her shouts out to me when she's close by. I block out her heartbeat with music, and I've returned to constantly chewing gum. Deadening my senses and obscuring her scent with mint works when we're at a distance, but close-up? Not any longer.

The night Maeve came to my room, the witch blood overpowered everything, and the worst thoughts washed her from my mind. Something flowing in my veins alongside my blood craved the witch and the guaranteed high, obsessed with wanting to fuck and feed on the girl pressed against me.

I had to claw myself back to the truth that's harder to cling on to since the First changed me. She's not 'a witch' or 'a girl', but Maeve, who I love more than I want. I don't know the extent of my power, or the selfish, dangerous desires that my new self begs me to yield to. One or the other could harm Maeve, and that fucking terrifies me.

I refuse to turn Maeve, as I always did, and every time the act comes to mind I'm left with a heavy sickness in my stomach. In my current state, where I doubt my self-control, I might accidentally bring Maeve to the brink of death. What if there's nothing inside the Winterfall that could fight and win against the First's power inside me if I lost my mind?

The First must know that's a possibility. Before we left, the day the creature took me and Tobias to that terrifying place with the half-dead vamps, the First hinted at Maeve's fragility against my lust.

Yeah, that extra mind fuck won't leave my thoughts either—my ancestors as vampire zombies. What do we do about the four when we destroy the First? I guess I won't know since I'll end up in the same bodily state or place as the First if we manage to trap the creature using shadows.

Maeve voiced the crazy idea that she could ask the shadows to 'take' the First from me, and then they could take the First from our world. But we've no understanding of how people defeated the creature in the past, or what magic can draw the First out of a human form.

Or what the shadows are and why they would have any interest in helping me.

A tiny voice on repeat in my mind whispers that the First lied about what might happen to me. But then images of the bizarre tableau of the vampire kings and queen appear to remind me of the evil capabilities the creature possesses. The First chose to submit the hemia to that state as punishment rather than kill them, and as I looked at the four, listened to their sluggish heartbeats, and stared into their dead eyes, I pictured myself beside them.

How long have the four vamps existed in this form and are they aware? The vampires could be mentally present, experiencing every moment of incarceration, locked in immobile bodies.

Pure torture.

The First won't kill any of us. The creature isn't interested in killing those it despises or who're a threat. I can almost hear the First's reasoning: where's the fun in that?.

"Andrei?" Maeve nudges me, and I blink at her, away from the dark places.

"What's wrong?" I ask.

Sunlight adds silvery highlights to Maeve's hair, something I never saw under artificial light, her skin brighter and eyes the colour of the skies I only ever saw in movies. She is so fucking beautiful in the daylight; a girl made for the day who could never leave that behind for the night I once lived in. Even though a life without Maeve once tortured me, I vowed I would never ask her or agree if she asked me.

Now, an immortality that matches mine would be worse for Maeve than a life in the dark.

"Are you listening?" says Tobias, irritation edging his voice.

"I'm overwhelmed by the great outdoors," I reply and give him an Andrei smirk as I kick at water on the ground.

"Our plans must be crystal clear to everybody," he says firmly. Including what we do if we're overcome by their numbers.

I scoff and gesture between us all. "Nobody's gonna overcome me. Any of us."

"Complacency can cause deaths," retorts Tobias.

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