Page 94 of Come Fly with Me

“The last time I was over there, we got called in on a strike run,” I say, forcing myself to sit still, to remember what they told us when you feel the panic starting. I take a deep breath, swallowing hard before continuing. “Some guys on the ground were trapped and they…they needed a way out.” I look away, my eyes watching as a Learjet taxis down to the end of the runway and prepares for takeoff. I hear the sound of its engine powering up and I turn back, find Taylor still watching me.

“Anyway, the call was off,” I say. “There was some confusion and radio interference and…” I pause, scrub a hand across my jaw. “The strike…it was, it was the wrong place and people died. Our people died.”

“Jake,” she says, her hand reaching halfway across the table toward me.

I look at it, lying on the wood between us, desperate to take it in mine. “Yeah, it was pretty fucked,” I say, shaking my head. “Anyway, I got out not long after that, but as you can imagine, my head was a mess. PTSD,” I add, shrugging a little.

“Jake,” she says again, all anger gone now as she hears this part of the story. “I’m so sorry.”

I offer her a smile. “It’s okay, I’m better now,” I tell her. “They made us get help and I hated it at first, but it did help, it does help.”

Taylor nods. “I’m really glad.”

“Anyway,” I say, glancing over as the Learjet lifts off the ground and climbs into the sky. “That’s where I met Maggie,” I continue. “At the therapy thing they make you do.”

“She was in the military too?”

I shake my head. “No, well, she worked for the Department of Defense, but she wasn’t in the military.”

Taylor nods but says nothing.

“They warn you about making major changes in your life. You know, no relationships, no change of job, blah blah blah, but I don’t know. She just got it somehow,” I say. “Got that I didn’t want to talk about what I’d seen, what I’d done.” I stop, knowing I just need to get this shit out and stop making excuses for it all.

“We hooked up quickly, not long after we met. We knew it was wrong, but you know, it was a rush at the time, and it felt good just to feel something again,” I say, talking quickly now. “She was moving to L.A. afterward, asked me to come. Vegas was on the way, and it just felt like the right thing to do at the time,” I say, shrugging. “Six weeks later I started training to fly commercial planes and she started cheating on me.”

I flatten my hands on the table, inches from Taylor’s. Neither of us moves or says anything, but I know I still owe her more.

“It wasn’t a real marriage. I’ve never even felt like I was married,” I say, looking up to find she’s watching our hands now. I pause for a second, just to watch her, to drink in the sight of her again. “I never loved her, and she never loved me. It was a mistake that came from a dark place and we both knew it.” I pull my hands back, take a deep breath. “But that’s not an excuse, and I still should’ve told you about it. About her.”

“Yeah,” Taylor says, lifting her eyes to mine. “You should have.”

I nod. “I wanted to,” I tell her. “I thought…fuck, when we were doing the whole yes, no thing in Sydney and I asked you if you had ever been married…” I pause, exhaling hard. “I thought you’d ask me the same question.”

“So, it’s my fault,” she says, pulling her hands back now.

I reach for them, covering them with mine. “No, it is not your fault,” I say. “Not your fault at all. I should’ve told you. I should’ve owned up to it and told you.”

Taylor nods as she gently pulls her hands from mine. “Why was she at your house?”

I shove a hand through my hair. “She finally agreed to sign the divorce papers I’ve been sending her for the past year,” I say. “We’ve been separated for sixteen months, Taylor. I haven’t been with her in any way in all that time. Hadn’t seen her up until the day she showed up at my house. The divorce will be finalized any day now.”

Taylor nods again but says nothing.

“She means nothing to me, Taylor,” I say, and even I can hear the pleading in my voice.

Another nod.

“But you do,” I tell her. “You mean so much to me, and I’m sorry I never told you. I’m sorry I broke your heart like that, destroyed the trust you had in me.”

She nods again but still says nothing.

“Ugh,” I groan, standing as I walk around to her side of the table. “Will you just kick me in the balls already?” I say, arms out in invitation. Taylor glances up, a brow cocked. “Please,” I say, giving her a small smile. “Punish me, make me hurt like I know you are.”

She finally smiles, shaking her head as she stands and faces me, arms crossed over her chest. “I’m sorry about what happened,” she finally says. “Back when you were…”

“It’s all good,” I say. “I promise.”

“I wish you’d just told me, though,” she says.

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