Page 3 of All Roads Lead to You

“Can I see her?”

Hunter nodded. “I’ll ask.”

I rested my hand on his shoulder and gripped him. “I’m so sorry, Hunt. Fuck… I’ll cancel everything and be here for you. Screw the trip. This is more important.”

“No. Go on. Find someone to go with or go alone. Find a way, Lo. I’ll give you my half of the money if I have to. This is a dream of yours, and I’m sorry I won’t be with you, but I want you to do this. I need you to do this. You need it as well.”

I bent my knees and wrapped an arm around my legs as I stared out into the shimmering evening, breathing in fresh air, wood, and earth. Coming from somewhere were hints of fresh cut grass mingled with Hunter’s patchouli and cigarette smoke.

“This was your dream, too. You sure you’re going to make it to school?”

“I’m not sure what’s going to happen. Dad said I have to go to college no matter what. He doesn’t want me giving up my education or putting it on hold. But I don’t know, man… I’m terrified that if I leave, she’ll die while I’m gone.”

I grabbed another beer, opened it, and took a swig. “Makes sense that you’d want to be there for her. Shit, I’d fucking give anything to have been able to tell Mom goodbye, and that I loved her.” I looked at my friend wide-eyed. “God, I mean… I don’t mean like… fuck. It’s all shit, is the point.”

“I get it. Cancer just fucking sucks.”

We both lay back on the windshield and stared up at the sky, which was indifferent to our losses. What did it matter to them? Most of those stars lived on for millions or billions of years. What did they care about death? And once they died, they got to bring their orbiting world with them, like sacrificing their children.

The smoke I exhaled swirled toward the heavens in a translucent ribbon, trying to reach those stars until it evaporated into nothingness.

“I’ll try to be there when we start our first semester,” he said. “That’s the plan, anyway.”

“It’s okay if you can’t.”

While I had plenty of friends, only Hunter mattered. I’d be alone without him. He was the only one who knew my secret and why I wore all those masks.

I’d told him I was gay one night during a sleepover right before I turned thirteen. Being in the closet was a lonely life. People didn’t like queers, especially after AIDS had broken out. The pandemic had been all over the news for years, pushing me deeper into the closet. At least I had a friend I could tell my deepest secrets to, and he’d never judge.

It was hard to hide my true self, but I did what I could by playing football, building my muscles, and shaving every few days instead of every day to make me look more like a man. I dated a couple of girls, but I refused to fuck them, so they never lasted long because I didn’t want them questioning, but it was enough to show that I wasn’t into men. No one I knew questioned my sexuality.

Shit, I could barely kiss those girls. We didn’t do more than a peck on the lips. I just couldn’t bring myself to deepen the kiss, like each time I betrayed a part of myself. A little bit of me broke off with every hug, kiss, or flirtation with a girl.

At least in college, no one would give a fuck if I didn’t date girls. Or so I hoped. I’d read about a pretty famous gay bar in Oakland I could go to should the need arise or to get some sexual experience with a man that I sorely lacked.

Hunter had also been there for me when my dad remarried, and I ended up with a stepbrother. I’d been so fucking angry Dad found someone to replace Mom. She’d been dead barely two years before he found a new wife. What made everything worse was that I didn’t hate my stepmother. She was too fucking nice, so I took my frustrations out on my stepbrother. I needed a punching bag, and he became it.

Let’s just say I’d been difficult in my early teens.

Hunter and I lay on the truck, still looking up at the sky, saying nothing for a while. The night grew heavy with loss. Loss from my past and his soon-to-be loss.

“I’m here for whenever you need me, Hunt,” I finally said.

“I know, man.”

He opened another beer and chugged all the brew down. After he burped, he looked at me. “We still hittin’ Will Spencer’s party tomorrow night? Everyone’s gonna be there.”

“Yeah, I guess. You up for it?”

“Definitely. I need a distraction, not to mention your crush will probably be going. That’s always entertaining.”

I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “So? I live with the fucking douchebag. I see him every day.”

“Yeah, but he’ll be distracted. You can pine for him from afar when everyone’s too busy or drunk to notice.”

“Meanwhile, he’ll be sucking face with fucking Lauren. It doesn’t matter because it’ll never happen, anyway, so how I feel about him is pointless, man. Once I’m off to college, he’ll be out of sight, out of mind. I can’t fucking wait.”

Hunter laughed, washing away the heaviness from earlier. “Dude, I’ve never seen anything like it… this weird hate-love thing you got going on for Nick.”

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