Page 35 of All Roads Lead to You

Fuck it. I was just getting drunk.

“Logan?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you lonely… like right now?”

My brows bunched and my stomach clenched as I looked over at him. “Why?” I asked carefully.

“Please don’t take this, like, the wrong way…”

“Jesus, Nick. Don’t say it like that. I’ll definitely take it the wrong way, now.”

“Sorry! I just mean, don’t get mad. Please. We’ve been getting along really well, but…”

My breathing turned to pants, my heart hammered, and a sweat broke out across my forehead and neck as my body got ready for fight or flight. Did he figure it out? Did he know I was gay? What gave me away? My hands trembled so much I didn’t dare take a drag from my smoke.

“Just out with it,” I snapped, despite wanting him to shut the hell up.

“You’re always alone, man, except that you hang out with Hunter. But you played on the football team and rarely hung out with them. It’s not very jock-like.” His chuckle was self-deprecating, and he was fucking deflecting.

“So?”

“As long as I’ve known you, you’ve never had a real girlfriend. Sure, you dated a couple of girls, but you never seemed that interested. Why? I mean, you’re a good-looking guy, objectively speaking. The girls totally went on and on about you back in high school, but you just… ignored them.”

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Here it comes.

I tried so hard to hide myself. Dating girls had been so hard. I assumed the little I’d dated would’ve been enough. No one had ever asked me these questions before.

What do I do? What do I say?

If I told him the truth, he’d hate me. I was sure of it. He’d be disgusted.

But how did I know? I didn’t really know him, not really. What if he didn’t hate me? Hunter had been completely accepting.

Then again, maybe it was for the best if Nick hated me. We were already getting too close. If he were disgusted by me, any bubbling hope of having him would finally blink out into nothingness. We could ride through the rest of the trip in silence. Perhaps he’d even fly back, and I could go on without him.

“Logan?”

I stood abruptly and walked quickly toward the water, unable to come up with an answer, an excuse, or a lie that made any sense. My mind blanked out. I needed to get away, desperate to breathe. Fucking too much beer.

Oh, god.

Why did I have to be fucking gay? Why was I made to like men? Why was I wired differently from everyone else? I tried so hard to fit in, but I was the wrong shape—a square peg trying to hammer itself into a round hole. If Nick saw it, did everyone else? Did they all figure it out? How could they? Wouldn’t they have bullied me about it? Maybe not.

I didn’t have any references for fucking anything! Maybe my fear was completely irrational.

“Logan?” Nick asked again, right behind me, making me jump. He stood way too close.

“Go the fuck away!”

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to upset you. Talk to me.”

I turned around and glared down at him. “No. Go back to the tent and leave me the fuck alone!”

I was going to break if he didn’t leave right now. I had no answers for him, and my only response was to be a dick. It was easier than the truth, yet I suddenly hated myself for it. For the first time in all the years I’d known Nick, I cared about what he thought of me.

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