Page 34 of All Roads Lead to You

Nick stretched his legs out on the sleeping bag he’d laid out by the fire and tipped back the can of beer, gulping the rest down before he crushed the can and tossed it into the brown paper bag we used for garbage.

We were several beers in, and I had a nice buzz going. I was finally relaxing. I really needed to work on that. I couldn’t always use beer to chill the fuck out.

“What do you dream about, Logan Conrad?” he asked out of the blue, grabbing another beer out of the cooler. His movements were slower, and his words were thicker, so he was feeling the alcohol, too.

I dream about you, Nick. I dream we could share a life together where no one would harm or hate us. But mostly, I want to kiss you. I’d take just a kiss if that’s all I can have.

Those dreams were stupid, and they pissed me off all the time, but I couldn’t help but have them. They were useless and served no purpose other than to make me feel bad and lonely.

“Logan?”

I sighed and bent my knees, resting my arms over them, holding my lit cigarette.

“I told you I want to work at U.S. AID. I want to go to war-torn countries and help them rebuild. Or go to other countries to help them with irrigation or improving their infrastructure. Maybe see the world before I die and explore more than the little tiny town we live in while helping people in the process. This trip is just the start of my lifelong journey, or so I hope.”

But I wanted to do it with someone I loved. It’d never be Nick, but I wanted someone to come with me occasionally, someone who loved me back. We could share our dreams together. That was my biggest wish.

Nick’s smirk was as crooked as his brows.

I took a long drag off my cigarette and blew out the smoke before tossing it into the fire. “What the fuck are you looking at me like that for?”

“That’s fucking cool, man. Seriously. I like that. You dream big. I gotta admit, that surprises me.”

Which was my fault. I intentionally kept Nick at arm’s length. Hell, I kept everyone at arm’s length.

“Next question. What’s your biggest fear?” he asked.

That was easy. “Being alone for the rest of my life.”

I lifted my beer, resting on the ground, and finished it off before grabbing another.

“No shit? Me, too.”

I popped the tab on the can and looked at Nick. “Seriously? I never imagined you being worried about that. What I mean is that you had a girlfriend for over two years, but you seem to have a lot of friends, and you’re outgoing.”

He nodded and looked out at the water, allowing me to stare at him. The fire cast a golden hue over his already golden skin. With his strong nose and dark hair, he looked like a shimmering god.

“Yeah, honestly, I always assumed Lauren was it for me. We’d go to college together, graduate, find jobs, and get married. Maybe have a couple of kids and a dog. But…” He took a long sip of beer, not saying anything more.

“But what?”

He sighed and glanced at me before staring off into the fire. “I realize it’s nothing compared to what you’ve been through with losing your mom and all, but when Dad left… It took me forever to move on from that. I’d blamed myself for the longest time. Yeah, I was only a little kid, but still… And now that Lauren’s gone, I realized I’d never gotten over it at all. I feel… I don’t know.”

“Abandoned?”

He looked at me with those fathomless eyes that turned to flame from the campfire and furrowed his brows. “Exactly. You get it. There’s always been this kind of hole inside me, like I’m incomplete or something. Does that make sense?” He didn’t wait for me to respond before he continued, but I understood that feeling all too well. “I mean, my father’s out there somewhere. Does he have a new family? Does he ever wonder about me? Probably not. Anyway, now I’m feeling a little abandoned by Lauren. She kept this secret from me so we could keep dating until she left for another school in another state. Now I worry about finding someone new. Will they leave me, too? I realize I come across as confident and shit, but I’m not always. I don’t know. Maybe I’m being stupid and whiny. Fuck, people break up all the time, so this shouldn’t be a big deal, right?”

“You’re not being whiny.” It only endeared him to me more, and for the first time, I started relating to and understanding him. I didn’t believe there was anything worse than losing a parent like my mom, but I could see how much it would hurt for a parent, someone you loved and trusted, to leave without so much as a goodbye. “You feel unloved or like you did something wrong.”

Nick frowned and nodded. “Yeah, exactly.”

I love you.

I hate you.

How did I have both of those feelings for Nick at the same time? It wasn’t normal. I wasn’t normal. I hated these conflicting emotions.

I lit up another smoke, still lost in Nick’s story and fears, desperately fighting my words of promises and love. To tell him I would never leave him. But that would be a lie because I would never get the chance to have him.

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