Page 69 of Pippin & Nacho

Wiping my clammy and trembling hands on my sweats, I stood and grabbed my jacket, earbuds, charging case, and phone.

“I know it sounds… pathetic, but will you stay by my side?” I asked them.

Stix wrapped a thin arm around my shoulders. “It’s not pathetic. Of course, we’ll stay with you.”

Stone nodded in agreement.

I can do this. I can do this for Nate.

All three of us hopped on a bus that took us to the hospital, riding in silence. My brain swirled with anxiety, struggling not to go into full panic mode. I wouldn’t do Nate any good if I couldn’t cope. I needed to do better.

First step.

The bus ride was my step one. I got on, sat down, and rode to the hospital. I was still okay. The lo-fi beats I listened to helped a little to keep me calm and focused.

Instead of letting my anxiety take over, I closed my eyes and slowly counted backward from one thousand, hyper-focused on each number in my head. Before I reached four hundred and eighty-one, someone shook my shoulder. My eyes popped open to Stix mouthing something to me, so I tapped an earbud to turn off the sound-canceling.

“We’re here,” he said. “Ready?”

“Okay.”

Second step.

Get off the bus and walk to the hospital building. That was all I had to do. My next goal was to reach the building without letting my anxiety take over.

The day warmed up with the sun shining, lighting away the city gloom. Trees sprouted fresh leaves and blossoms—renewal, beauty, all things positive. But my legs grew heavy and slow, and it was hard to reach my destination despite the uplifting day.

A warm hand grasped mine. I looked down at Stix’s hand, comforting and calloused, holding mine. Nate held my hand a lot, tethering me to the present and keeping me from slipping away.

We stepped up to the sliding doors and paused. No, my feet were cemented to the sidewalk. I had the usual bodily reactions from my fear, but it didn’t incapacitate me. Not yet, anyway. The building just looked ordinary. The facility I’d been in as a kid looked like an old mansion or those old spooky asylums from horror movies. At least, in my mind, it looked that way. Maybe it had been like every other building with just bricks and windows, and my overactive imagination made it into a monstrosity like how my dreams made the staff into demons with poisonous teeth and burnt skin. It didn’t look anything like Johns Hopkins did.

A squeeze on my shoulder forced me to take a step through the doors. Step two is accomplished.

Third step.

Step three came next, and it was the biggest step of all. I had to walk through the halls of unfamiliar sights and smells. It smelled clean yet sick, with hints of stale coffee and food. My earbuds made me nearly deaf to any hospital noises. It helped.

Stix still held my hand, keeping me grounded, but another hand rested in the crook of my elbow. Stone. Stone was cold and why everyone called him Stone. His name was Damien, right? He didn’t seem the type to give comfort, but he did. Stix was my height, but Stone was big and tall. He was comforting and not as scary as I first thought of him. He had no smile on his face, but his hazel eyes turned kind and understanding.

My hand became a clammy mess in Stix’s, but he didn’t let go. I was so grateful for my friends. I couldn’t have done this alone. My ass would still be at home, not helping Nate. God, why hadn’t I opened up to them earlier? Why hadn’t I trusted them enough? I was beyond grateful they proved me wrong.

Nate needs me. Nate needs me.

That became my repeated mantra to keep me moving forward as I slowly walked through the halls and to an elevator. My heart beat wildly in my chest. It hurt so much. My lungs squeezed tight—so tight that deep breathing was a struggle. I couldn’t find air.

A vise pinched my heart and chest. Was this what it felt like to drown? I didn’t enjoy swimming. While we had a harbor, I didn’t like water. I didn’t know how to swim, but I imagined this was what it felt like to fall down, down, down into the fathomless liquid pit, unable to reach the surface—

Squeezes from friendly and comforting fingers kept me pushing through step three and silencing the fears in my head.

When the elevator doors slid open, we stepped into a smaller hall with nurses all over the place. Some were busy. Some watched us. Another smiled as Stix talked to her. I couldn’t hear his words. My vision started to grow dark with all the medical staff wearing scrubs. Similar scrubs to what they wore when I was a kid. They looked the same. All the same. Their faces morphed into blackness and sharp teeth.

They won’t hurt you. They won’t hurt you. Not here.

But my mind was tricky. It loved to torment me during my lowest moments. It talked nasty to me, telling me hateful and scary things. Stix was talking to a nurse, and when she looked at me she stopped smiling, and I took a step back, followed by another.

Stone abruptly stood in front of me, blocking my view of the nurse. His big body distracted me from my spiraling fear.

I told my mind to shut up. That I didn’t know her. She wouldn’t hurt me. Plus, I had friends to protect me. They would never let anything happen to me. No one would take me away and do horrible things to me again. I had a family that cared about me. And Stone was huge. He’d protect me.

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