Page 57 of Pippin & Nacho

I nodded and swallowed another growing lump. “I love him so much… always have. He has these nightmares… they’re fucking horrible, and he has days he really struggles mentally. Sometimes he just blanks out for a moment. I’ve done all I can for him, and I’ll keep doing it. I’ll never leave him, not just because he needs me, but because I need him, too. Shit…” I ran a hand through my hair. “Because Sam makes me feel needed and wanted. No one has ever wanted me in my entire life. I love being there for him, but I’m also so tired now that I’m working two jobs. Sam doesn’t like it at all. I just need someone to talk to, that's all.”

I ran my hands along my jeans and stared at my feet. “Sorry for the word vomit.”

“Sounds like you two have a bit of a co-dependency issue going on. While that’s fine, as long as you two benefit from it, it can also wreak havoc on a relationship. You both really need a professional to talk to about this.”

My eyes grew wide, and I shook my head. “No! Sam refuses to see anyone. He is terrified of doctors. Doctors and nurses hurt him as a kid. He won’t go near one again. When we had to get him stitches, the paramedics had to sedate him.”

“God, poor Pip. I had no idea he was struggling that hard. I could see there were times he would withdraw more than usual, but he never let on that he was suffering that much.”

“He hides his past because he doesn’t want you all to pity him or think less of him.”

“As if…”

“You and I both know that, but Sam has a lot of built-up insecurities and low self-worth. He can’t help it. People made him that way. Fucking assholes.”

Alpha sat back on the corner of his desk, folding his hands in his lap, and looked at me as a father might a son who, even though he wasn’t much older than the rest of us.

“You know, some doctors are willing to do teleconferences instead. I have no doubt Pippin isn’t the only one who suffers from the fear of doctors. Surely, there are some doctors around who are willing to help over the phone, using video conferences. Would he be willing to talk to a doctor that way? Without being in the physical presence of one?”

God, I was such a fucking idiot. How had I not thought about that before? It seemed so simple now. “Goddammit! I didn’t even…”

“You’re not a professional, Nacho. I’ve dealt with a lot of therapy over the years and talked others into getting help, so I have more research under my belt. Don’t take this as a personal failure. You’ve been absolutely amazing for Pippin. Just talk to him about it and see if he’s game. If so, I can help you find someone.”

I stood and pulled him into a hug. He was big, and he engulfed me in his arms. “Thanks so much, Alpha… for everything.”

“Anytime, kiddo.”

When I walked out of his office, my steps were lighter, and my heart felt less heavy. Just a simple talk had my soul at ease.

We were too tired to do anything fun last night for Nate’s birthday since he worked all day yesterday, and we didn’t get home until three in the morning.

As soon as we walked into his room last night, we fell into his bed and passed out on top of each other. Well, Nate passed out. I’d been missing him during the day, so much so that sometimes I’d end up panicking. That was when I’d text him over and over, asking him what he wanted for dinner, which I would forget to make, or if he remembered where I put my second pair of earbuds or where my charger was. Sometimes, it was about just knowing he was there and responding to me.

I didn’t like him so far away for so long, reminding me of the loud cars under the overpass when he had to bring back some money. He’d be gone all day. I hadn’t had earbuds back then to block out the noises.

Even worse, I’d get scared that he wouldn’t come back to me because he was sick of me with all my texting and hounding him. Maybe if he made enough money, he could leave and get his own apartment. What if he found life easier without me? I was too much all the time. I tried so hard not to talk so much and let my thoughts drift off like drifting into another dream, forgetting the previous dream.

My dreams had been getting better since sharing a bed with Nate, but sleep had gotten worse since he started leaving me to work.

I didn’t like it. Not one bit.

When he came home, the avalanche of relief that rushed through me made it hard to breathe.

He came back. He came back.

As soon as he walked into the door, I put a smile on my face and tried to be happy for him and not to stress him out. But I saw it. He was tired all the time. He smiled less. Sometimes, he’d just zone out in front of the TV. I was scared.

Nate’s hand, sliding up my T-shirt and his leg draping over mine, pulled my attention back to him. My fears were real and lingered, but his presence and touch helped ground me, breathing out happier thoughts like I could hold him every night now, kiss him whenever I wanted to, and we got to explore our bodies.

“Can we just stay like this all day?” he mumbled in my chest.

I pressed my nose into his hair, inhaling my favorite lingering scents mixed with beer and cigarettes from last night and his intoxicating smell of sleep.

“If you want,” I said.

“I don’t know… I think I like your idea of fooling around in bed all day.”

“Hmm, that sounds especially nice.”

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