Page 39 of Pippin & Nacho

“How can you make light of this? I’m a fucking failure. I can’t do anything right!”

“Stop it, Sam!” Nate, snapping at me, yanked my attention back to him because he never snapped at me. “This isn’t the fucking end of the world. It’s a small thing in the grand scheme of life. It doesn’t make you a failure, and you’re amazing at so many things like skateboarding, bartending, giving blow jobs…” I struggled to hide my smile. “Not everyone is good at grocery shopping. Hell, I’ve forgotten to use the coupons I cut out before, too. This is fixable.”

I wanted to believe him. He was my star, and he wouldn’t lie to me about this, right? But I couldn’t help the feelings of inadequacy. It was like I couldn’t do basic grown-up shit.

Nate took my hands and met my eyes again. “You helped me out so much today. So, you spent more than I expected. It is what it is, and that is not a failure on your part. We’ll figure this out. I promise.” He squeezed my hands and shook his head when I was about to open my mouth to argue. “You are an amazing soul, Sam. Are you perfect? Nope. Neither am I. It’s not fair to put so much on ourselves when we all make mistakes. It was my fault for not telling you about our budget. I forgot. That’s all on me. Okay?”

“Okay,” I agreed, but I was still filled with doubt.

“Now, let’s have a quick dinner and get ready for work. You’re going to have an amazing night. You always make tons of money in tips on Friday nights, and you always have so much fun.”

That finally pulled a smile from me. “It is fun.”

Nate was still on his knees when he reached up and pulled me down for a kiss that was much too quick before kissing my forehead. “I love you so much. No more worries.”

I nodded. “I love you, too.”

I paced back and forth in my bedroom as we got ready for work, feeling the stress of our finances weighing on me. Sam did great making money as a bartender. In fact, he made a lot more than I did, so I didn’t fault him for spending his own money. He had every right to.

He worked only three nights a week, sometimes four. Anything more than that was too much for him. He made enough to cover rent and utilities, and whatever I made went toward food and other necessities. It was the most money we’d ever made in our lives, but we also had a lot more responsibility and bills. We had no such responsibilities living on the streets other than keeping ourselves fed. Regardless, the bills were worth it to have shelter over our heads.

Sam spending too much at the store wasn’t his fault. I should’ve told him our budget, and I’d forgotten. He’d been so sweet to take the shopping burden off me, and I tried not to control every aspect of his life. But I did that too often, which was why when he offered to help, I took him up on it.

It was a weird balance between doing everything for him, not because he needed it, but because I wanted him happy. If he was happy, he wouldn’t ever leave me.

Sam was good at so many things, but he sometimes got lost when shopping. And I didn’t know why he needed to buy so many things we already had.

When we first got our phones and internet for the first time, I looked up ADHD and shit, but I didn’t understand things like dopamine or half of what they said. I never made it to the tenth grade, and my reading ability was basic at best. Sure, Sam and I got our GEDs, but we had to study our asses off. So, when I read about brain shit, my mind just got all confused, and I blanked out on all the complicated words.

Regardless, I needed to get a second job. The extra work at Alpha’s would help, but it wouldn’t be enough. Sam and I didn’t need to be rich, but it would be nice not to worry if we would have food on the table the following week or electricity. It would also give us a buffer if Sam wanted to spend some extra money.

Tomorrow, I’d go out and look. I hated to have that time taken away from me, but I had no other choice. Sam made more than me, and it wouldn’t be fair to ask him to work more. I was the one who had to take up the slack.

But this money problem was a reason why being with Sam could take its toll on me. I loved him and would change nothing, but I got tired sometimes, needing a mental break from not sleeping most nights. Sam couldn’t help it, but I needed to remember to take some time for myself.

The early evening was cold as hell as Sam and I skated to work. We could’ve taken the bus, which had heaters, but skating was mentally relaxing and freeing. It soothed both of us. Our friends weren’t much different. Whenever life got to be too much, skating the day away helped ease our stress.

Sam and I swerved around corners, popped off of curbs, and pumped our feet to move as fast as we could. The air numbed my face, but skating quickly warmed us up.

As we came to an intersection, all my worries washed away when Sam reached back with his hand for me to take with a smile on his face. His fair skin was flushed red from the cold, and his red hair peeked out of the gray knit beanie. He looked so youthful and cute right then. Sam glowed with a happiness that made my already exerted heart beat more furiously.

“I love you,” Sam said, unprompted.

I fucking swore I wanted to die right at that moment because then I would’ve died happy. Sam’s words and bright smile suddenly righted all wrongs in this world, making it a better place, even by a little. That he loved me back was a miracle in itself. It was a wish I’d never imagined would be fulfilled.

“I love you,” I said back, choking on my emotions.

Sam suddenly hopped off his board, yanking me with him as he forced me against the brick facade of a building. Our breath came out in clumps of steam as we looked at each other until he bent down and kissed me. It wasn’t like Sam to be this bold, and I ate it up. He pushed back all his uncertainties and insecurities to claim what he wanted, and I was here for it. It was a glimpse into a Sam who could’ve been had his family been kinder and never sent him away to that hellhole.

Our kiss wasn’t desperate, but slow and deliberate. We took our time to taste, lick, suck, and nibble our mouths. I instantly grew hard, but there was little I could do about it out here.

My hands slid underneath his coat, feeling the hard planes of his back, prickled with goosebumps, and he did the same to me.

When we came up for air, Sam rested his forehead on mine. “Sorry, I just had this urge to kiss you.”

“Never apologize for wanting to kiss me.”

He smiled and kissed the tip of my nose. “I love kissing you. Every moment, I think about how grateful I am to have you in my life and that you fucking love me back. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it.”

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