Page 30 of Pippin & Nacho

I shrugged. “Who knows? I was just thinking about how grateful I was to have a roof over my head, a beat-up kitchen table, and you in my life… Then I sort of got lost in my past when I hadn’t been so grateful for anything because I couldn’t be.”

Nate’s smile was a black hole, pulling me in like gravity, which I had no control over, and I didn’t want the control. It was easy to let go of it all for him and be myself. He freed and protected me, doing his best to keep my fear away.

He leaned forward and pressed his soft and warm lips to mine. How did such a simple kiss feel like home? How did it erase all those memories that hurt so much and give me something so beautiful? There was no more fear behind his kiss. No more ‘what ifs.’

He placed his hand at the nape of my neck, pressing our foreheads together. “I’m so grateful to have you, too, Sam. I love you so much.”

Every time he said that, I wanted to cry, scream, and tell him I didn’t deserve it. But I also needed to hear those words, starved and thirsty for them. Once we told each other our truths and accepted our fears, it was easy to say those words back. “I love you, too.”

Nate’s smile was soft, and his dark eyes filled with understanding. “Do you want to talk about where your memories went?”

“I really don’t.”

I could tell him, but my past physically hurt. Instead of lecturing me about bottling my shit up, he kissed me again and stood. “I’m making nachos for dinner.”

I rolled my eyes as my smile stretched wide. “What else is new?”

“Hey, it’s the food of champions. Don’t poke fun. You knew what you were getting into with me.”

I chuckled, finally feeling at ease as my past vanished into nothingness, at least for now. “I did, and I wouldn’t change a thing.”

“I can make you grilled cheese, if you want. I’ve got canned green beans for veggies.”

“Sounds good. I’ll take the sandwich. Need some help?”

Nate craned his head to look back at me and winked as he piled tortilla chips onto a plate from the set we’d bought at a thrift store for five bucks. “I’m good. You can make us dinner tomorrow night.”

“Deal.”

After dinner, Nate and I curled up on the couch to watch a couple of sitcoms we liked that came on each week. He sat with his legs propped up on crates we’d turned into a coffee table as I lay down and rested my head in his lap. I completely got lost in his delicate fingers combing through my hair, unable to focus on the show.

It was something we hadn’t done before. Sure, we sat close to each other all the time, but not like this. While comforting, this was intimate. Nate wasn’t soothing me because I was fucked up or having a nightmare, but because he cared about me. He was the sweetest of all sweet desserts.

Relaxation and ease were gifts I never took for granted. It was so rare that I could lie here, being lovingly soothed without the need to do something. My mind still churned and moved, but it wasn’t too bad, focusing on how good it felt to have Nate’s fingers combing through my hair. He had me so relaxed, and I enjoyed my calmer mind. This reminded me of my meditation, but better.

My eyes grew heavy as that sense of safety and home filled me again. Not even my horrible past could affect me at the moment, as if Nate had a force field around us, protecting us from the horrors of life. The world could burn, and we’d always be in our protective little bubble.

“Sam?”

“Hmm?”

I rolled over onto my back to look up at him. His dark curls fell in his face, hiding his thick, black brows and almost covering those soulful eyes. I reached up and tucked away the stray curls behind his ears to see his beautiful face.

Nate glanced away at the TV and rubbed the back of his neck as his tanned skin pinked on his cheeks. “Uhm, can we take a shower tonight before bed instead of in the morning?”

My brows furrowed. “Uh, yeah. That’s cool. Why?”

“Because I want to take one… with you.”

I grinned as my face burned. God, we were really new at this sex shit, but I loved the awkwardness of it. It made it all feel real and meaningful. We didn’t dance around words or play games to get what we wanted, things I noticed people doing in the bar to get laid. I loved how Nate asked me outright like that. We’d stayed silent about our feelings long enough. Now, we didn’t have to hide anything.

“You want to fool around?” I asked.

He turned as red as I felt and nodded.

My stomach fluttered from nervousness and excitement. I had no idea what I was doing, but Nate and I would figure things out as we fumbled around and got it right. We weren’t the only people in the world to have sex or fool around. Everyone started somewhere, right?

But what if I was terrible at it and didn’t learn well enough? Would he grow bored with me trying and not getting it right? What if he realized he wanted something else? Something better? Maybe he’d figure out I wasn’t good enough for him and find someone else. Or what if I had flashes of bad memories while we messed around? God, what if I couldn’t do it at all? I didn’t have problems rubbing one out, but—

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