Page 21 of Pippin & Nacho

“All those times they’d tease me about you. I thought…”

“What did you think?”

“That they assumed I was into you.”

I swallowed and dropped my head. He didn’t say he was into me, only that they’d teased him about it. Fuck. This was why I hadn’t wanted to tell Sam the truth. I rubbed my aching heart with my hand, unable to look at him, my eyes stinging from the weight of his rejection. My lips trembled from the effort of holding back the dam. “Please don’t leave me, Sam.”

“Leave you? Hell, I’d never fucking leave you, Nate.”

He held open his arms, and I scrambled over to him like a magnet, wrapping my legs around his waist and looping my arms around his neck, pulling him hard against me. Sam’s calloused hands slid underneath my shirt and held me back as I rested my head on his shoulder.

My emotional turmoil came to a head, and the dam finally burst. My body racked with quiet sobs. The excruciating pain of holding my feelings back for years was evident with each tear I shed. I hadn’t realized how much of a psychological toll it’d taken on me until I finally admitted my love for him, along with the overwhelming fear of abandonment.

Everything was now out in the open. It was up to Sam to decide what was to become of us. All I could do was accept whatever he chose.

What to do? What to do?

I’d been dying to hear those words forever, but they also terrified me.

My heart slammed against my chest so hard that Nate could probably feel it as he held on tight to me, clawing at the back of my shirt as he sobbed. My clammy hands trembled as I clawed him back. His reaction made my eyes water, too, because he hurt. Nate should never be in pain.

I didn’t deserve him, but he loved me. He said he did. Nate never lied to me. Was not telling me his feelings for years a lie? If so, then I was just as guilty.

Tell him back. Tell Nate you love him.

Why was I so afraid after he confessed to me? Years of holding back. Years of staying silent. It scared me to admit something when I’d had it in my head for so long that he wouldn’t want me, that he would leave me if he knew the truth. Who wanted to be around someone who loved you, but you couldn’t love him back?

All those times, I stayed silent out of fear. I was always afraid of everything. The night scared me, sleep scared me, seeing doctors scared me, and being loved scared me. God, who wanted to love that? No one wanted someone as messed up as me.

But he told you he loved you. Nate knows you better than anyone. He knows your darkest fears.

My shirt was wet from Nate’s tears. He still sobbed. Why was he crying so much? The guilt just rolled off me. It was my fault for saying nothing. It was always my fault. I wasn’t good enough for him. He had no business loving me.

“Pl-please… say something,” he said through his hiccups.

I shut my eyes as my own tears spilled as I forced my mind to stay on target.

For once in my fucking life, I needed to be brave. I needed to do it for Nate, who was the bravest person I knew, always taking care of me. Now, it was my turn to be there for him. Would it mean losing him? Maybe. Loving each other could ruin our friendship, but after years of being together, I now realized that this had been inevitable. A secret like ours wasn’t meant to stay hidden. Love was meant to be shouted out across the urban landscape for the world to hear—words that no one cared about except us.

Nate sharing my fears somehow helped me feel a little less nervous. I needed to remember that. As I took a deep breath, my body started to calm down.

I rested my head on his shoulder and turned to face his neck as my fingers dug into his bony back, feeling so slight in my arms, yet he emitted so much strength. “I will never leave you, Nate. You’re my Polaris, my Northern Star. You’ve always been mine since the day we met, and we’ve been more than just friends. We’re family. There’s no changing that. Fuck, Nate… how could I not love you, too?”

There, I said it. Did I feel like I was about to vomit? Yes. Did I feel better admitting my feelings? No. But it was out there now. Only time would tell if this would end up destroying us or making us stronger. Right now, I could stand to use some strength. My reservoirs were low, but I did my best to dip into my nearly empty well to be brave enough for my bright star. To fight for him and to make him happy.

Nate let me go, sat up, and wiped his wet face full of tears and snot with the back of his hand and forearm.

“I know you love me… like a brother. That’s not what I—”

“I know what you meant. Shit, I didn’t mean it to sound like I love you like a brother, which I do, but it’s so fucking more than that. You’re… everything to me. Fucking everything. You’re my universe. I cannot survive without you. But…”

Nate grabbed my face when I looked away and brushed the tears from my face with his thumbs. “But what? Talk to me.”

“I’m not worthy of you. You bring so much to the table, and I bring not one fucking thing.”

His dark brows furrowed, and he gripped my face tighter, refusing to let me look away. “You don’t bring anything to the table? Are you fucking kidding me? You bring me happiness. You give me purpose. You give me a home. Meeting you was the first time I ever had a sense of home, realizing it’s not a place but a state of being. I’d never had that until you. You’re fun and kind when you have no right to be after everything.”

“But I’m so much work. God, Nate, if you weren’t in my life… I’m not sure I’d be here right now.”

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