Page 16 of Pippin & Nacho

My face burned as I hurried into my room and walked into my tiny closet, where I kept folded T-shirts, jeans, shorts, and hoodies on the shelf above.

I snagged a black T-shirt, a pair of ripped jeans, some underwear, and a gray hoodie from the top of the pile of folded clothes, put them on, and headed to the kitchen to find coffee waiting for me.

“Thanks for making me coffee,” I said.

He gave me a big smile as if he hadn’t been suffering all night. It made my heart flutter. I loved his smile. It lit up his entire aura, making him more beautiful than he already was.

“Anytime, man.”

He would write himself notes and place them around the apartment when he needed to remember things. It didn’t always work, but he had one right next to the coffeepot for when he got up before me, which said, ‘Make Nate some coffee with two scoops of creamer and two spoonfuls of sugar in the morning.’ I loved how he tried to take care of me, too.

Then, a feeling of suffocating sadness and loneliness hit me as I tried to beat it back with a stick. Could I do this for the rest of my life? I swore to him I’d never leave him, and he made the same promise to me. But could I live a life without having him for more? Could I live a life where I never had sex or experienced pleasure with a man? What if I ended up finding someone? What if they didn’t like Sam? No way. I’d never date anyone who wouldn’t accept him. Sam and I were a package deal.

Rubbing one out this morning reminded me of how lonely I was. It became a constant lingering emotion, like an itch I could never reach to scratch. There had been so many times I’d nearly given in and told Sam how I felt, that I loved him, and wanted to be with him for the rest of our lives.

I wanted to kiss him in the rain, as corny as it sounded, hold him every night instead of when he needed me, to make love in every corner of this shitty apartment. Hell, I’d take holding his hand whenever we were out grocery shopping or at the thrift store.

“You okay?”

Sam’s question silenced my thoughts. Thank god, because they were about to consume me. It was getting worse. I’d been so good at controlling my feelings, but it got harder and harder as time went on. It didn’t help as I watched Stix and Stone find love and show their happiness to the world. I wanted that with Sam so much that I could practically taste it. My envy was nearly painful.

I smiled at him. “Yep. Just thinking about stupid shit.”

I walked over to the old brown plaid couch and sat next to him as it groaned under my weight, though I barely weighed anything.

“What are you looking at?” I asked as he scrolled through his phone.

Our phones cost a lot of money, and the monthly bill for Wi-Fi was a lot, but they were a necessary expense.

Fuck, that reminded me of the hospital bill coming up. I needed to set aside money for that from our tips. Maybe they’d let me make payments on it.

Sam bit his smiling bottom lip. “I’m looking up things for you and me to do.”

I rested my head on his shoulder to watch him, careful not to spill my coffee. “We do a lot of things together.”

“We skate and work together, and we live together, but we don’t do anything beyond that, and I get it. We don’t have a lot of cash floating around. I’m trying to find something that isn’t expensive. I remember this park my mom used to take me to when I was little—one of the nicer and one of the few memories I had as a kid. I remember the ducks, and Mom gave me some bread to feed them. I would giggle at the waddling bodies as they fought for food. You’re not supposed to feed ducks bread anymore, but we didn’t know better then. Maybe Mom did know better.” He looked up at me with wide eyes. “Maybe she was mean to ducks like she was mean to me. Do you think—”

I rested my hand on his arm. “Did you find anything fun to do?”

Sam nodded and leaned in to show me pictures of an outdoor movie night. He hadn’t showered yet, so his sleepy smell, mixed with coffee, lingered on his skin. I shut my eyes for a moment and took a deep breath of him before I focused on the website he showed me.

“This is Federal Hill. They’ve got a free movie night tomorrow. The place is called Flicks from the Hill. We’ll need to take a bus there, but it’s not too far. I never even knew about it until I looked up things to do that were free. It’s going to be cold, but we’ll bring our blankets. Snow is also expected the next day, so there shouldn’t be too many people. Maybe we can grab a pizza and have a picnic. There’s a pizza joint nearby, if that’s okay. Or maybe we can find a place that sells nachos. I mean, that costs money, and I’m supposed to find something free. Sorry. Maybe not pizza or nachos.”

I smiled at his rambling. He kept quiet for the most part, but he felt comfortable talking around me, which I loved. I could listen to him all day. “Pizza and a movie sound perfect.”

He looked at me with his bright, gem-like green eyes under thick red lashes. “Yeah?”

“Yep. Sounds like a great time, man.”

“Cool.” He looked away and rubbed the back of his neck. “It’s just… you do so much for me and make me feel… safe, like I can always be myself without judgment or you getting angry.”

I reached for his chin and pulled him to look at me. It took all my power not to stare at his full mouth with that cute hoop going through his bottom lip. We sat so close that it would take nothing to lean in to kiss him and finally claim the very person who should be mine, but I managed to resist the urge.

“You should never be made to feel less. Our friends are good to you, too. I wouldn’t be friends with them if they weren’t. You’re special, Sam. After everything you’ve gone through… Fuck, to be so amazing despite it all.”

I love you for it. I love you.

“I… just feel bad sometimes. Like I’m a burden. And I know you want me to get help…”

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