Page 58 of Beyond Reason

I wanted to pretend for at least a little while that the entire world hadn’t fallen apart. It was stupid to try to act like I was the same man that I’d been over twenty years ago, but I was more than ready to accept that.

Even if it was just for a little while.

The water was smooth as glass, and the moonlight and stars reflecting on the surface were beautiful—at least, they were in theory. I was too busy watching the softness slowly wash over Xavier’s face, mesmerized by the way I could actually see memories dancing across his features and making his mouth form a soft little oh of wonder the longer he stood by the water.

He’d teasingly pulled off his shoes and pants, sprinting for the dock. But once he came to the edge of the lake, it was like he’d been hit by something.

At first, I was worried that I’d pushed him too hard again, and I’d run to his side with panic burning through all the oxygen in my lungs and leaving me breathless.

When I saw his face, I was breathless for an entirely different reason.

The soft smile on his lips was beautiful, and all Xavier—it was the same smile I remembered him wearing the first time I’d shown him the lake. Back then, we’d both stripped down and swam in the water, and we’d fallen asleep on the dock wrapped in a blanket and each other.

I could almost see him reliving that moment now, each burst of emotion as it crossed his face. When he stretched his hand out for mine, I slid my fingers through his without hesitation. I didn’t need to close my eyes to pretend that we were the same people that we’d been before. I could feel it tethered through our touch, through the way he gave me a gentle squeeze and tugged me toward him so we were pressed against one another.

This was Xavier. And he was remembering some of the best moments of our life together. For at least a little while, I was going to forget about all the worse things that had come after.

Of course, it was hard to forget when he finally stepped away from me and pulled his shirt over his head. Xavier’s face was still full of warm excitement, but my eyes instantly dropped to his chest.

To the same marks I’d seen on his dead body.

Bullets and knives and…

“Axel?” Xavier’s voice was a soft demand, and the tone made me instantly jerk my gaze back up to meet his.

I knew if I closed my eyes at that moment, I’d see him pale and dead and in my arms. If I let myself, it would be entirely too easy to spiral back to that dark place that I’d been in on and off for years.

I didn’t want to.

I didn’t have to.

Not when he was here.

I pulled my shirt off in a quick motion and tilted my head toward the lake. The air around us was perfect, the slightest hint of fall leaves chasing at the heels of summer. My skin felt hot, and I wanted this moment with him. “Let’s swim.”

Like he knew that I’d just fought off some inner demon, Xavier slipped forward and pressed his lips to mine in a quick burst of warmth that pierced through me. “That’s my good boy.”

The murmured praise against my lips zipped along my spine and washed away the last bit of lingering pain that was trying to knock around in my chest.

I had him. Those marks were just a gentle reminder on his skin that I needed to do anything it took to keep him.

Chapter 17

Xavier

There was something almost serene about being at the house. Somehow, being so far away from the place where people had tried to kill me—again —it was easy to pretend that things had never changed, that nothing had ever happened between us. The only reason I knew things were different was because there were still holes in my memory, moments I couldn’t recall. After the last episode I’d had, I refused to try to force it. There was every chance there were parts of myself that I would never get back, and I had to be okay with that.

Honestly, who really wanted to remember what it felt like to die? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise that I hadn’t been able to recall it. Maybe I just needed to look at it like the gift it was and move on with my life, to live in the present.

Live with what I’d been given back for whatever reason fate had decided to give me another chance.

Axel was so peaceful beside me, his hand stretched out toward me even in his sleep. His face scrunched slightly when I moved, but he didn’t wake as I pushed myself from between the sheets and silently padded to the bathroom.

I stared at myself in the mirror. The only thing I recognized was the bright green circle of color around the edge of my eyes. I wondered if it reminded Axel of everything he'd lost—everything I would never be again—whenever he looked at me.

I wondered if it was easier to see me like this instead of who I’d been. If the last memory burned into his mind was a dead man, maybe Marshall Lister was easier on the eyes.

I couldn’t imagine how that must have felt for him to find me dead, unable to do anything about it.

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