Page 26 of Beyond Reason

He could have parroted all the words, but the way he moved was so achingly him that I wasn’t sure how I’d survived.

I was completely shocked I managed to keep my hands off of him, especially when it was obvious that he wanted me to touch him. He wanted things to be exactly how they’d been before, exactly how he’d left them.

And I didn’t know how to tell him that I wasn’t sure if they could be. The wound his death had left behind was ragged and vicious, and it had healed wrong. All mottled scars and crooked bones—I didn’t know if we’d fit. I didn’t know if I could fit with anyone again.

And I didn’t know if I could try, could let my guard down enough to take a chance that something would happen to him again.

That didn’t mean that Xavier wasn’t going to keep trying. It seemed like it was all he wanted to do. He was taking his training seriously enough that I could see it written all over his body, I could see the difference in the way he moved and the way he fought.

I could feel it when he hit me.

But he seemed like he was trying to train me just as much as himself, to trick my mind into thinking it would be safe to let him in. To let him close again.

And I…

Fuck if I didn’t want to give in. I’d never had the strength to resist when it came to Xavier, and I was beginning to realize that twenty-two years hadn’t made a damn bit of difference.

My eyes flicked to where he stood, smoothly running on the treadmill. When he’d first started, I could see how hard it was on him. He could barely go a mile, and even then, it looked like it nearly killed him.

Now he was running at the same clipped, smooth pace that he had before—it was so strange, all the little things about him I could easily remember, every mannerism and smile. It was all there in front of me, impossible to ignore and so haunting I felt like little parts of me were breaking each time I looked at him.

He was perfect. Just as perfect as he’d always been.

And some part of me still couldn’t forget how he’d looked perfect even when he was dead, though it had stolen the life from his eyes and the smile from his face.

I blew out a soft breath and forced my gaze from his lean figure. I needed to concentrate, because as much as I wanted to make sure he was in shape to take care of himself, I had to push myself just as hard to make sure I could stand beside him, that I could take care of him if I needed to.

I had to make sure I was there for him this time, no matter what happened.

I moved to the weight machine that I had set up in the corner of the room and settled myself back on the bench. I should have been running, but I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to keep myself from being distracted if I had to be that close to him. It was better to keep a safe distance.

Honestly, a part of me already knew it was useless. Every second I spent near him, I could feel my resistance slowly trying to break. I’d thought I was stronger than this, but Xavier in any and all forms apparently managed to prove me wrong every time. With a sigh, I let my hand drift for just a second to the chain around my neck. My fingers traced the metal, and I closed my eyes. I could remember the pendant being coated in blood—his blood.

I had visuals caught behind my lids of exactly why I needed to keep myself at a distance, but the sound of Xavier letting out little grunts as he pushed himself to run further, faster, longer than the day before was torture.

I wondered if he was doing it on purpose to torment me. I wasn’t sure how much he remembered, but I knew those sounds were a perfect mirror to when he…

“Axel, you seem kind of distracted.” I’d made the mistake of closing my eyes, and when I opened them, Xavier was leaning over me. His curls were slightly damp with sweat, and his cheeks were flushed. Something about the expression just made the green in his eyes all the brighter.

“I’m fine.” My voice came out gruffer than I meant it to.

“Honestly, you should give your body your full focus.” He stalked around me as he spoke, and I could do nothing but keep my eyes on his figure as he moved.

No, as he prowled.

There was something predatory about his motion—maybe he wasn’t something large and deadly anymore, but that didn’t make him any less dangerous.

A leopard tearing your throat out over a lion would still leave you just as dead.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I hedged. The corner of his mouth turned up mischievously, and he stopped behind me. When he leaned down, my vision was full of his face, of the sweat glistening on the skin exposed by the black tank top he wore. I could see his arms, bare of tattoos, and the pink burn scars crawling along his shoulder to his jawline.

It was strange, feeling like I was at such a disadvantage. As soon as I started to sit up, to move somewhere safer, he pulled the weight from the bar above me. It left me with the option of taking it or letting him hang with it there in his arms and potentially hurt himself.

I don’t think he would have done it at all if he’d doubted my response for even a second. My arms came up automatically, and I took the bar—it didn’t have any weights attached to it, but instinct seemed to override logic every time it came to him.

I still didn’t understand how he was the one to die out of the two of us, when I seemed to be blinded to common sense every time he was near me.

“Axel, you really have to focus. You could hurt yourself, you know?” He leaned on the bar as he said it, and the angle gave him the perfect leverage to push it down until it pressed against my chest. The position shouldn’t have flared a dozen memories of him tying me down, restraining me, leaving me wide open and vulnerable just for him… but…

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