Page 40 of Beyond Reason

“It’s a good thing I don’t care what you think. Don’t worry, Sunshine. I’ll be gentle.” I kissed my way down his chest and waited for him to protest again. He was probably right, and it was probably a bad idea for me to really work myself up… but I could at least do this.

I could touch him.

I could have him, and if I was doing it because his pleasure would ground me, would make me feel like I was still solid, still whole, really here? Well… a small part of me knew that it had always been that way, too. I’d been a world of gray before I met the man who squirmed beneath me as my lips trailed down his chest.

He’d opened me up with gentle fingers and blinded me with a kaleidoscope of possibility and color. I wanted to feel that again.

“You don’t have to, Xav—ah.” His voice cut off in the sweetest little cry when my teeth nipped at the sensitive cut of his hip. Maybe time had stolen away how soft his face had been, how dark his hair was… but it hadn’t ruined his body at all. He was still strong and lean. Perfect.

“Just let me thank you,” I murmured the words in a kiss pressed against the place I’d just bit, and he squirmed again.

“I could—”

“No.” This time I punctuated the word with a gentle slap to his thigh. “No. Let me take care of you.”

Let me feel you.

Why could I touch him like this, but I couldn’t quite manage to get the words out, to tell him why I needed it? I needed him.

Maybe I’d never been good at telling it, but I could show him. I could show him with lips and teeth and tongue. I could show him until he was crying with how true it was.

And maybe one day I would find the words where they were hidden somewhere in the depths of my chest, and I’d be able to say them, too. Maybe being in the body of someone like Marshall Lister would help me find the part of me that could speak the way I was sure he’d spoken.

He’d loved, right?

He’d been able to express it in the way Axel deserved. I wanted that.

But for now, I pulled the covers down and pushed myself until I was settled between Axel’s legs. It was almost too much to resist—no, it was too much to resist. He’d come to bed wrapped in nothing more than a towel, and it was easy to flip it open so I could see every inch of his skin, still perfect after all these years.

I turned my face and ran my cheek along his inner thigh like a cat, intent on marking every inch of him. The feel of his hair tickling against my smooth skin made my nerve endings tingle, made my body light up.

He smelled so good.

Like me.

Like how I used to smell.

Because he’d held that part of me as close to him as he could, even when I was gone. The knowledge made my chest fissure, made it threaten to crack wide open.

I still didn’t know how to fill myself up with words, but I could fill myself with other things. My tongue darted out and ran a wet line to the sweet place at the crease of his thigh. He squirmed beneath me, but his hands fisted the sheets like he was desperately trying to hold onto self control.

I wasn’t sure if he was doing it because he was afraid to hurt me, or because he wanted me to take him apart just as much as I wanted to rediscover every bit of him between my teeth.

Whatever it was, I didn’t have it in me to tease him for long. My lips ghosted the length of his cock and he shuddered—the heated exhalation of my breath made him groan. He was so sensitive to everything I gave, to every brush and tease. I could have spent hours coaxing reactions out of him.

When I glanced up the length of his body, he had his head thrown back and his eyes closed, and I understood it. Maybe I looked different, but I still knew exactly how to touch him.

But…

“Axel?” I murmured his name against the juncture of his thigh and pressed a warm kiss there. He let a low sound pour from his chest that nearly drove me to distraction. His hips gave an involuntary thrust that tempted me to open my mouth. I couldn’t stop myself from running my tongue along the length of his stiff cock, teasing at the slit for a moment until he gasped and writhed again.

If I let him, he’d completely draw me away from my intentions.

If I let him, he’d keep his eyes closed for the rest of our lives, whenever he could.

I couldn’t do that.

“Axel?” I said his name again, digging my fingers into his hips until he gasped in a mixture of pleasure and pain. He really hadn’t changed at all, had he?

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