Page 124 of Fight for You

I'm so ridiculously in love with him. He hides a lot behind jokes and smiles. I think he has for a long time, but each day, a little bit more of the real him shines through. And every day, I fall a little bit harder for the man he is now. He's even sweeter than he was when we were younger, but he's different in so many ways. Getting to explore the new facets of his personality is exciting and bittersweet at the same time.

He's bossier than he was back then and says the dirtiest things.

He's told me all about his life in Seattle and the things he had to do. I cried for him when we had that conversation. He's so damn strong and courageous. I don't know anyone else who would willingly go to the places he goes and deal with the people he does just to keep complete strangers safe. But he does it. I'm in awe of him. He still isn't convinced that he's worthy of me, but he's so wrong.

He's a little like Grover in the storybook he used to read me…scared to turn the pages because he doesn't know what's waiting at the end. He's been running from himself for so long that he didn't realize he was running from himself. He's starting to figure it out, though. He's finally facing himself, and I think he's finally beginning to realize that the monster at the end of his book is a lot less scary than he thought it was. That he's a lot less scary than he thought.

Bit by bit, we're both healing.

Sometimes, I have nightmares about Kaleo, but they're never about killing him. Maybe I should feel bad that I killed another person. Maybe part of me is sad about it…but mostly, I just feel relief that he's gone and can't hurt us anymore. Cade is still alive. I'm still alive. That's all that really matters.

When the nightmares do come, they're always about losing Cade. He holds me a little tighter and whispers sweet words in my ear until I'm ready to sleep again. The nightmares rarely make an appearance twice in one night. I don't think they stand a chance against him. When I'm in his arms, my head resting on his chest, I feel peaceful. I feel safe.

I feel like I'm finally home.

It's been a long time since I felt that way.

It's been a long time since I let myself believe I deserve to feel that way.

I got to leave the hospital a little over a week ago, but I still have a long road ahead of me. They had to remove one of my adrenal glands, so now they have to keep a close eye on my hormones. They're also keeping a close eye on my kidney function, but it's been decent so far. I had to stop taking the medication Dr. Jenner prescribed because of the risk of kidney problems, but I'm doing okay without it. At least, I have so far. I know once I've healed a little, I'll probably need to be on something else, but we're taking it a step at a time.

Cade and I are going to visit my mom and Titan next week. I'm a little afraid I'll lose it. But I need to go, and so does he. It's been a long time coming.

Naz says something that makes Cade laugh loudly, drawing my attention back to him. He pops his eyes open and focuses on me. I watch in fascination as tension drains from him as soon as those blue-gray eyes land on me. His rigid stance loosens. His expression softens. A smile tips up the corners of his lips, those dimples popping out.

I shiver at the sight, my eyes locked on him.

"If he goes after her, you better tell him to bring a shovel because it'll be his funeral. Hernandez will tear him apart and then leave pieces of his body all over this city."

I cringe at the visual he paints.

"Sorry," he mouths, grimacing apologetically.

I offer him a little smile to let him know it's okay. He's still on administrative leave, but I know this is his job. It's what he does. And he's good at it.

We're still waiting for word on whether he's going to be charged with murder for killing the men who murdered my mom and Titan. I feel like we're in a holding pattern until that happens. I know what I want, and I think he wants the same thing, but he's scared he's going to go to prison and lose me all over again.

I'm hopeful that won't happen.

When I gave Hernandez my statement about what happened with Kaleo, I asked him point blank why he was going after Cade when Kaleo was the reason so many people had died. He told me that the truth would have died with Kaleo if he had his way. I'm not sure what that means, but I think he wants a reason to let this go. He doesn't want to have to charge Cade with murder.

Maybe what Cade did was wrong, but he's spent the last seven years atoning. He's saved so many people, even when doing so almost killed him. He's fought battles and won wars that most will never know about. He never asked for anything for it. He never wanted anything for it. He just wanted to keep people safe.

If anyone deserves happiness, he does.

I'm starting to think maybe I do too. I will never be brave enough to do the things he does. But the day I shot Kaleo, I found a little bit of strength I didn't know I had. Even when the bullet ripped through me, I stood my ground and fought for what mattered to me. I fought for Cade.

I faced a monster…and I won.

I will always miss my mom and Titan. I will always grieve for them, but I know they would want me to be happy. They would want me to have a full life instead of living like a ghost. And I think—no, I know I want that for myself. I think part of me will always feel guilt over the fact that I'm still here and they aren't. I will always struggle to comprehend what happened to them. I'll never be able to face memories of that night without feeling my heart break. For the rest of my life, my birthday will forever be the day my world ended.

But Cade was right. Their murders weren't our fault. What happened to my mom and my brother will never be okay. It never should be. But Cade and I can't keep punishing ourselves for it. We've tried that.

I shove the blanket off my lap and climb from the couch. The healing surgical wounds on my stomach twinge in discomfort, but they don't hurt anymore. They're just an ache, something to remind me that we all have monsters to face. Sometimes, those monsters are ourselves. Other times, they're guys like Kaleo.

In the end, the monsters always lose because people like Cade make sure they do. And sometimes people like me help make sure they lose, too. You just have to find something worth fighting for.

"Where are you going?" he asks me, covering the mouthpiece on his phone.

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