Page 116 of Fight for You

We've been punishing ourselves for seven years for surviving. We cling to guilt and blame and shame just so we don't have to face the truth: We're still alive, but Titan and Jana aren't. And it fucking hurts. That bleak truth hurts like hell.

But even if we punish ourselves for another decade, it won't change anything. It won't bring him or Jana back. They're gone because a bunch of soulless pricks decided their pride and property were more valuable than human lives.

The callousness of that fact is incomprehensible. It's unfathomable. Shit like that…there is no way to understand it. But punishing ourselves isn't going to change it. It hasn't yet. It never will.

"I need her," I whisper to Mariah, the God's honest truth. "I need her to live. I can't…I've been without her for so long. I can't do this without her anymore. I can't move on without her."

I don't want to face a future without January in it. Not because she makes it hurt less or because I'm afraid, but because she's the only thing that makes me happy. I see her, and I feel like I'm home…like I'm safe. No one else has ever come close to making my entire goddamn soul light up just by smiling at me. She does, though. She always has. I need her to live. Not to survive. Not to make it through each day still breathing. But to fucking live. And I'm pretty sure that's what Titan and Jana would want for both of us. For us to live.

Losing them will always hurt. The fact that they were brutally murdered will never be okay. But we can't keep doing this to ourselves. I can't keep doing it to myself and then expect January to do any differently. We have to face this whether we like it or not.

But we don't have to face it alone. We don't have to grieve and hurt and fight to survive alone.

I don't want to be alone anymore. I don't want to be in Washington, dying because the only girl I've ever loved isn't in my arms where she belongs. I don't want her two states away, thinking about killing herself because I'm not here to carry some of that burden for her.

She has to survive this because I can't do this shit without her.

"She needs you, too." Mariah cocks her head to the side before shooting me a glare that would make lesser men tremble. "So get your shit together, Michael, and get up off the floor because I refuse to lose my best friend to that piece of shit. January isn't dying because we aren't going to let her."

Fuck. No wonder my girl likes this chick. She's kind of a badass. And she's right.

January isn't dying. I'm not fucking letting her die. She needs me, and I'm not letting her go. Not today. Not any day.

"Agent Kincaid?" a doctor says what feels like another four damn years later, stepping into the waiting room wearing a paper cap and booties. He's older, with weary lines etched into his ebony skin. His expression is severe, his eyes giving nothing away as they scan over the room.

I jump to my feet and pace toward him with Mariah and Roman hot on my heels. The rest of the room falls silent. I don't even know half the people here. They're cops and federal agents, neighbors, and January's coworkers…all here just so we don't have to go through this waking nightmare alone. They just keep showing up.

I'm humbled and a little taken aback by that…by the fact that people we don't even know are here to lend their support anyway.

"Miss James suffered a single gunshot wound to her abdomen," the doctor—Dr. Becker, like the fucking TV show—says when I step up in front of him. "She lost a lot of blood."

Mariah grabs my hand, her nails digging into my skin as she clings to me.

"Is she-?" I can't even ask if my girl is dead. The word refuses to form.

"She's alive," he says.

A murmur goes through the room as thirty different people all sigh in relief and send up quiet prayers of thanks. My legs tremble beneath me, but I stand firm as relief slams into me, loosening the vise around my heart.

"The bullet punctured her kidney," he says, holding my gaze. His voice is firm, though he talks softly. "We were able to block the arteries in the kidney that were impacted through a procedure called embolization. The damage to the adrenal gland on that side was extensive. We had to remove it."

"Is she going to be okay?" Mariah asks.

His gaze shifts to her before moving back to me. He gives it to me straight, no bullshit. "It's too early to tell. We were able to get the bleeding stopped, but she's in critical condition," he says. "Her vitals aren't where we'd like them to be, but if we can get her through the next few hours, I think she'll be okay."

Mariah's nails dig deeper into my hand. The small pain keeps me focused when all I want to do is put my fist through the wall. She's alive, but he's not sure if they can keep her that way. It's not enough.

"Do whatever you have to do to save her life," I demand, my voice a rough rasp.

Dr. Becker nods once. "We'll keep her under sedation for now. We've got her on a ventilator to allow her body time to heal. She's trying to take breaths over it, which is a good sign. But we'll know more as the night progresses."

"I…thank you," I whisper, pushing a hand through my hair like it'll give me comfort. It doesn't, though, because it's not January's hand brushing through my hair like my mom and Ma Lucia used to do when I was a kid. When she does that shit to me, I feel like I'm home and everything is right in my world. Right now, it's far from right. It will be, though. I'm not letting her die.

"Can I see her?" I ask, hoping like hell he doesn't tell me no. I need to lay eyes on her, even if only for a minute. I need to see for myself that she's breathing. Maybe that'll erase the memory of her lifeless body in my arms as the paramedics took her from me.

"She's in recovery right now. As soon as we have her situated in the ICU, someone will be out to let you see her." His gaze sweeps around the room, taking in the number of cops sitting in the small waiting room. "Ordinarily, we only allow immediate family back there, but I understand Miss James doesn't have any immediate family."

"I'm her family," I practically growl at him. There's no way in hell they're keeping me out of that room. "That girl is my entire fucking world. I'm going to see her. Mariah is, too."

---