Page 58 of Fire for Effect

“You weren’t going to end up with Riley.”

“I thought you liked Riley.”

“I do like him,” Veder shrugged.

Unlike me, he had started befriending the locals in his own way. He liked to help and had hung out around the little farm down the road, rebuilding fences, and doing odd jobs for people around town.

The words that I wasn’t going to end up with a guy like Riley was too close to the ones that Griff had so proudly declared when he kept repeating, “I’m the guy.”

But I would hear Veder out because he was the closest to objective that I could have. Though Griff hated him, Veder didn’t hold a grudge against his former friend. Just… remorse.

“I love this new quiet, meditative thing you’ve got going on, but I’m going to need you to spit it out,” I said, in frustration.

Veder chuckled, his smile tilting up the corners of his scraggly beard.

“You two love each other,” Veder said. I resented the word love, but I didn’t interrupt him. “I used to give him serious shit about it, you know? Our second to last deployment, I could see he was nuts about you. He always wanted you with him, and he always picked you in the lineup. I was getting jealous, honestly.”

He kicked at the dirt beneath his toe, before he let out a long sigh, and stared up at the sky.

“Hell, even in the gym, I felt like a third wheel.” He looked at me, winced, then said, “I said some shitty things about you. I told him to just sleep with you and get it over with, so he could get you out of his system. I was kidding, and I’m sorry I said it. But back then, I was an asshole.”

“You’re not an asshole now?” I asked, nudging him with my shoulder.

He nudged back and smiled. “I don’t know what I am right now.”

We righted ourselves, and stared back out at the flames, mesmerized by the movements.

This was why we called fire “Ranger TV”. Airborne Rangers had a tendency to get hypnotized by it, zoning it the way others might in front of trash television.

“He was loyal to Kristin because that’s the kind of guy he is. He works at things, until defeat is certain, and even then… he’d probably keep working at it.” He leaned down and picked up another plank and threw it onto the growing fire. “I think that if it wasn’t for you, he’d still be married to Kristin, trying to work it out with couple’s counseling, and figuring out how to be mutually miserable.”

He turned his head, his long shaggy brown hair starting to pick up in the wind. His piercing green eyes looked deep into my soul.

“I get why he’s nuts about you,” he said, slowly. “You push back and challenge him. You’re like two swords, clashing and sharpening each other at the same time.”

“Cute metaphor,” I grumbled, trying to deflect the heaviness of what I knew was coming.

“He doesn’t get that often from anyone. He likes that in people. He used to like it in me.” I could hear the regret in his voice, but he let out a long breath, and then shrugged. “Plus, you understand him. The Army, clandestine services, government work… that’s his passion. You’ve lived it. So you get it. He never has to explain himself, and you will never drag him down.”

Veder turned to me fully, half his face still flickered red by the light, the sky behind him now going from a sunrise peach to a washed out blue.

“But what does he offer you?” He tilted his head, as if truly perplexed by the question.

I almost flinched. “What do you mean?”

“What does he do for you? Do you like him? Does he fulfill something inside you that you couldn’t fulfill yourself?” He turned back to the fire. “And does he do it in a way that heals whatever wound you have and bring you a sense of peace?”

These questions must have been out of some religious text he was reading. It was amazing how much he had grown. The guy I knew in the Army found joy in the bottom of a bottle and a warm hole. He was neurotic, and energized, extreme in all cases. It was like he couldn’t sit still.

But this version of himself was perfectly unmoving.

“You’re really profound at 7 AM in the morning,” I sighed, trying to deflect.

He didn’t take the bait.

“Does he add to your burdens, or help you shoulder them? Does he give you strength, or steal it from you?”

I wasn’t sure.

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