Page 52 of Fire for Effect

I was such a piece of shit.

“I don’t deserve a guy like you, Riley,” I finally let out. “I wanted to. I wanted a person like you. A nice guy, who is a good dad, kind…” More tears. I hadn’t cried this much since my mother told me my dad didn’t want me, and never would. I was only four years old. “I wanted to be the kind of woman you would be with. But I’m not.”

My shoulders slumped.

“I couldn’t be a good mom to Lizzie,” I said, bringing up his daughter. “Look at me. I’m a fucking mess. I’d just cause you problems…”

“Trinity…” he reached out a hand and I flinched away.

“I’m sorry if I led you on,” I said, quietly, stepping backwards away from him. “I really was trying. I was trying to be someone else. But I’m… I’m just going to cause you pain.” I shrugged. “You don’t want that. I promise you.”

You don’t want me.

No one really does.

“Trinity…” Riley stepped forward, but I stepped back again.

He let out a sigh, and I stared at the cold ground. From my peripheral vision, I could see that he had put his hands in his pockets, and was looking at the same spot I was. Just some insignificant dirt on the ground. Dirt. Just like me.

“If he’s the one making you feel this way,” Riley said, meaning Griff. “Then you need to come with me. I’ll take you somewhere…”

I shook my head.

“Is he making you say this to me? Is he listening?” He ran a hand over his stubble. “Listen, I heard some things from guys at the bar. If you’re in trouble… if he hurts you…”

I almost snorted.

Griff hurt me. But not in the way that he meant.

“It’s best if we end whatever this is,” I said, finally looking up at Riley.

I didn’t see pain in his eyes. Not the pain of being rejected by a lover. No, what I saw there was the concern of a protector.

He worked his jaw, grinding at his back teeth, before he eventually said, “I’m going to go, because I see that me being here is upsetting you.”

He squared his feet, his shoulders back, as he made a decision when it came to me.

“But if you need anything… if you need help, call me. No pressure, no coercion, no expectations. You need something, you come find me, okay?”

Riley was a fucking hero. My heart longed to have the life that I could see for myself if I loved a man like him. White picket fence, happy family, barbeques on the weekend, and football on the TV. So normal, happy, and clean, with a daughter that was assured of being loved and wanted. Everything that I had always built up in my head as the perfect life.

A life that wasn’t really made for the life of Trinity Blaze Guerro.

“Hell, if you just want to talk science, I’m game. You dig?” He stepped forward, and I stepped away again, so he stopped. “There’s much more to you than just being a man’s girlfriend, you know? You’re a cool chick. You’re the kind of person I’d love to have in my life.”

He stepped away, back into his car, turning around in the dirt in front of my trailer, and out of my life.

I hadn’t been this lonely in a long time. Lonelier for having been close to maybe having something with one man, and having something real with a man I had no chance of keeping.

The trailer door opened behind me. I hugged myself around the stomach, holding the jacket closed.

Griff stepped behind me, looming like a dark cloud.

And still, I wanted to lean into him. To be held by him.

The pull between us was a curse.

“I have to make a phone call,” he said, quietly. “I’m going to walk 100 meters from the house, and when I get back, we’re going to talk.”

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