Page 43 of Fire for Effect

“I’m not one of your girlfriends. I’m not a fucking game.” I almost laughed. “You waited? You had a fucking parade of women after Kristin…” That wasn’t really what hurt, was it? So, I gave voice to what truly did. “After me.”

I shook my head, realizing how stupid I was.

“No, that’s not right, is it? I was just one in the parade, right? The first one with the flaming baton.” A rebound. “Don’t turn me into that. I’m not one in a line waiting for—.”

“Believe me, I know it.”

He pushed away from me, walking down the small space of the trailer, running his hand through his hair.

“Someone would have to be shit faced to marry me, right?” I said, the bitterness rolling off my lips. “A guy would have to be certifiable to want to be with me, right?”

I was ready to hurl every insult and tease he had ever thrown my way. Years and years of remembered hurts that I didn’t react to but kept deep inside me spilled from my mouth. One after the other.

Each one was a reminder that he wasn’t mine and we were just friends.

“What kind of guy could sleep beside a psycho like me?”

Every time he had thrown an insult my way - even the ones that were meant as a joke now had new, poisonous barbs.

“I’m the kind of chick you get with, when the better ones aren’t available.”

And I recited them all.

“The only guy I could land, would be the kind who wouldn’t mind being castrated.”

He didn’t move. He didn’t say anything. He just lowered his head, keeping his back to me until I was finished.

Then he sighed.

“I’m a jealous fucker, Taz. You should know that.” He lifted his head as he whispered. “And my friendship with you hasn’t been perfect. I’ve said shit I didn’t mean because I was pissed at every guy you dated and bitter at every girl I fucked because they committed the cardinal sin of not being you.”

He turned and stepped closer to me. Close, but never touching. He hunched down, boxing me against the kitchen counter as the pulse in my ears beat out of my chest.

“I always thought it would be us in the end. I thought it was just a matter of the timing being right, and if I waited, then it would happen on its own. Was I wrong?”

I could smell him - his musk, the scent of earth, woods and the natural bit of coffee that scented his skin.

“Tell me, Firefly, was I wrong?”

No, he wasn’t. But I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t confess the desires that took over me each night. That I had to touch myself to the memories of his mouth before I could sleep. I couldn’t… because I’d lose him forever.

“No,” I whispered.

“So why aren’t we together now?”

Because I was yours a long time ago…

I couldn’t say that, so instead, I shook my head, “You can’t love me.”

“Yes, I can.”

“You don’t want me.”

“Yes, I do.”

“You don’t even like me half the time!”

“I’ll like you twice as much if you tell me you’re mine.” He placed his finger on my cheek, tracing down the outside to my throat. “What do you say?”

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