Page 13 of Fire for Effect

It was different with Griff. He had a way about him that made me think anything was possible, even when I knew it wasn't. Not for someone like me.

“I’d rather not,” I tried to keep the resentment out of my voice. “I mean, it’s not like I’ve done anything this last year.”

“What do you mean, sweetheart?” Charlotte asked, concern etched in her knotted brow.

“I mean… Jesus, I’m thirty years old, living in a trailer, and doing odd jobs.” I really, really wanted a drink.

No sooner had the thought crossed my mind when Goose got up, went to the fridge and popped a beer bottle open, sliding it to me.

“Thanks,” I said, staring at the bottle, and remembering a certain night with Griff, so many years ago. “I mean, come on, I’m hardly going places.”

I took a drink, and shook my head, just to get a moment to gather my thoughts.

“I mean, half of us are retired, and Griff is off doing secret squirrel shit. What have I got going for me?”

Goose’s mustache twitched with a repressed smile. “So, this is about Griff?”

“No!” I was probably protesting too much. “It’s just an example.”

“Well, if it means anything, compared to VD you’re doing pretty great, yeah? At least you’re not squatting.” Goose shrugged. “If I were a single unattached man, without the strap-hanging spawn, I’d totally be living like you! Hell, I can’t even remember what that kind of freedom feels like.”

I knew that he was trying to make me feel better, but he missed the mark.

“I could do with some attachment,” I said quietly.

I could use a home. A real one. My trailer was just a place I put my head down at night. But this old house? After all the work they’d done to it, and all the work they would do in the future… it was a real home.

I had no intention of trying to celebrate another year where I accomplished none of my dreams, and was no closer to knowing who I was, or what I was supposed to do. Another year wasted alone. Except it was less cute now that I was thirty.

Charlotte pinned me with a sadness in her expression that made me wince. “Well, sweetheart, what is it that you want to be doing?”

Even Charlotte was a bigger badass than I was. She had been a Paradigm spy but got burned. So now she worked in an admin job so she could be closer to home. But at least she got to do something amazing.

It had been years since I did anything remotely interesting.

“I don’t know,” I said, quietly.

Except I did. I wanted to get my degree in engineering. I wasn’t like Griff - he was destined for the White House. But a small engineering job was something I could be proud of. Maybe.

But even that was out of reach.

“Either way, I don’t want to bother with my birthday.”

“Well, if you change your mind,” she smiled kindly. “October thirteenth is always on my calendar. Griff made me promise that I’d remember and offer, but I can’t drag you to celebrate the way he could.”

I snorted, “Griff can eat shit.”

As soon as I said it, I regretted it.

Day after day, I had no idea if he was safe, or if any of us would be informed if he wasn’t. Did he have a system to tell me that he was gone? Don’t be stupid, Taz. Why the fuck would they notify you?

His ex-wife would be notified before me. I’d probably be the last to know.

Charlotte came and placed her hand on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze as Top put down some cards, and called out, “two nines.”

“Bullshit!” Goose and I said in unison.

Top’s eyes went wide with annoyance. “What the fuck?”

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