Jonah understood the words, the meaning of each one, and their place in the sentence, but they all became incomprehensible. He continued smiling, feeling as though his face were frozen.
“I’m so sorry,” Beth went on, her own face creased with concern. “I can’t imagine what you must be feeling.”
He shook his head back and forth, over and over again, the smile slipping from his face at last. But it was a useless denial. His father had been unwell for some time, years even. Knowing that, and reconciling it with the fact his father was now gone, that he’d never again see that sun-leathered face, hear that rasp of a voice, were entirely different things.
When he spoke, his voice sounded like it belonged to a stranger, whisper-thin. “How did you find out? What happened?”
“One of your old pack passed the message on to Adria, who passed it on to me this morning. She said the Silversand wolf was too afraid to enter White Winter territory alone to get you the message personally.” She bit her lip, frowning. I’m sorry you had to hear it from me, not someone who knew him.”
“I’d rather hear it from you,” Jonah replied honestly, heaving a stuttering breath. “But I can’t blame them anyway, given our reputation.”
His father was dead.
The phrase repeated in his mind like a mantra until it started to sink in. Grief was never simple, but doubly so when the person had been, in their life, a figure of both fear and authority, paternal love and paternal neglect. Jonah scrubbed a hand over his face.
“They wondered, too, if you might come back to the pack. I assume for the funeral, but they didn’t specify when it would be,” Beth went on carefully, eyeing Jonah. “I could reach out to Adria and see if she can get more details, if that’s helpful.”
“No,” Jonah blurted, too loud in the quiet of the garden. “No, thank you. I’ll go back and… and see everyone. It’s the right thing to do.”
Beth nodded, and Jonah felt a pang of guilt, seeing the genuine sorrow on her face. It was purer than his own emotions. But then, she was better than he could ever be.
“We’ll miss you,” she said, nudging him with her shoulder. “Would you like company? I can manage without Devon, if it’d help to have your best friend along. Give me a little time to have Edwin for myself, if I can fend Emma off for a minute.”
“Good luck with that,” Jonah said. “But no, I should go alone. I haven’t been back in a long time. It’s better if I see them myself first.”
He couldn’t tell Beth the truth, not the whole of it. The Silversand pack had been his home for many years, but he wasn’t certain they would welcome him back. Not after what his father had put them through.
Evening crept in around them, bringing a chill that slipped its fingers beneath the collar of his sweater and settled into his bones. Cocooned in grief and confusion, Jonah didn’t notice Devon’s arrival, the way he silently slipped into the seat Beth had vacated. His best friend draped a heavy arm around his shoulders.
“I’m sorry, Jo,” he said. He might have been the only one who could understand the complicated emotions Jonah was going through, having a difficult father of his own. “What can I do?”
Jonah blew out a cloud of breath. “Just make sure no one destroys the kitchen while I’m gone, okay?”
Devon laughed. “Come on, man, I know you’re hurting. Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you to the funeral? You know I look good in a suit.”
“I don’t want you outshining me,” Jonah said with a shrug. “I’m a vain dude.”
“Dads, right?” Devon said with a sigh.
“Even though I hated him, I think I’m going to miss him.” Jonah’s voice cracked on the last word and pressed his knuckles to his mouth, suffocating the sob that threatened.
“I know what you mean. It’s complicated, it’s messy.”
And he didn’t even know the whole of it. Jonah’s father hadn’t just been a part of the Silversand pack; he’d been their alpha. When Jonah returned for the funeral, they’d expect him to make a bid for the role, and few of them would be happy about it, after what his father had done to the pack.
“We’ll miss you, but take all the time you need, okay?” Devon glanced at the house, lit up in the gloom. “Emma’s going to throw a fit about all the takeout. You know sodium wreaks havoc on her complexion.”
He mimicked Emma’s voice in the last sentence, pulling a laugh from Jonah.
“Maybe she’ll take up cooking,” Jonah said.
“God help us all.”
Jonah wiped tears from his cheeks. “I don’t know when I’ll be back.”
He didn’t know what he’d be going home to. Even all those years ago, before he’d left, his father had been running the pack into the ground. What would remain of the seaside town he’d called home as a kid?
“Maybe a week or two? I’ll let the pack know. Don’t worry about anything,” Devon said.