Page 123 of Daydream

“I don’t want to waste anyone’s time just for me not to win,” I say honestly.

“Girl, shut up,” Cami says, shooting me a look that tells me she’s saying it with love. “We’re finishing this book.”

My instincts are telling me to say I don’t need their help, that I’ll do it all on my own. But in reality, that isn’t what I want. I need help and I need support, and having a group of friends who offer that is what I’ve always wanted.

This whole time I’ve craved more superficial experiences like shopping and getting ready together. I’ve called it girlhood because to me it represented what I missed growing up. What younger Halle desperately wanted. But as we’ve grown closer and our lives have intertwined, I know I was so wrong. This is sisterhood. This is women supporting other women to meet their goals. This is what I’ve yearned for, and I didn’t even know.

I nod enthusiastically, which somehow snowballs into me laughing kind of chaotically. “Okay, let’s do it. But we’re going to need more wine.”

Chapter Thirty-EightHENRY

WHENILEFT MY HOUSEfor my parents’ house, I told myself when I got there I’d give myself a day to spiral and then I’d sort my shit out.

Like every other plan I’ve ever created, it didn’t happen like that. I’m not sure how much further there is for me to fall mentally, because moving away and changing my name started to seem appealing for about five minutes last night.

It really took feeling like my entire life is falling apart for me to finally empty the clean laundry out of the basket from the holidays. Every task I’ve been putting off the past probably ten years has finally been completed. Basically, anything that didn’t involve me leaving my bedroom.

For the first week, my parents gave me a pass when I told them I was overwhelmed and needed some peace. Now I’m into the second week and the pass has been shredded. They want answers, they want to support me, they’re more people wanting something from me that I don’t know how to give.

So I do what I do best: I copy their energy and tell them I’m fine. That I’m over it. And that I’m going home.

Russ and Robbie are their usual careful selves around me. Lolaand Aurora don’t visit. Nobody visits, actually. It stays quiet and calm. The emails from my professors are piling up, text messages even worse. There’s only one person I want to text.

I look up why I’m such a bad procrastinator but get no answers that make sense to me. I look up why it feels like I’m frozen and get advertisements for winter coats. I look up how you know you’re in love with someone but close the tab before I get more answers that I can’t understand.

I know I owe everyone answers, but I don’t know what the answer is.

I pull up Halle’s name. Typing quickly before I can put it off, I tell her I’m going to keep my promise.

IT’SFRIDAY ANDI SHOULDbe prepping for the game, but Faulkner emails me, like he did last week when I didn’t show up for practice, that I won’t be playing, but he’d like to talk to me.

He actually uses the wordlike, and there aren’t any curse words in the email. Maybe Robbie wrote it for him. I know he’s avoiding the house by staying at Lola’s. Russ told me he feels like he doesn’t know how to be my friend and my coach when I won’t accept help, and he’ll be back the second I’ll let him in. I’m not mad at him, or hurt, because I feel like I don’t know how to be multiple things at once, too.

I text Halle and tell her I still don’t feel great, but I’ll get there.

THE FOG IS LIFTING, ANDthe realization of the mess I’ve caused almost gives me a panic attack. I could go to class tomorrow, but then I’d have to deal with it.

I missed Valentine’s Day. I didn’t even text Halle.

The guys won both games, which proves they don’t need me, andit weirdly gives me a tiny bit of relief. I think that relief is what lifted the weight crushing me enough to feel the dread of my situation.

I sit with that thought for far too long when there’s a knock on my bedroom door. I yell, “Come in,” expecting to see Russ, but when the door beeps and opens the last person I expect to see standing in my doorway is Nate Hawkins.

“I can tell by the look on your face that you forgot I was around this week,” he says, closing the door behind him. He sits on the end of my bed, and I scramble to understand what he’s talking about. Right until I realize how long I’ve been hiding out and that his schedule has a cluster of games in and not too far from LA. We were supposed to make plans to hang out. “I don’t know where to start with you.”

“I couldn’t be a captain like you. I’m sorry you put your faith in me and I let you down.”

Nate stares at me like I have two heads. He scratches his jaw and shakes his head. “Hen, I was shitting myself the entire time. Literally before every single game Robbie would pull me aside and give me this wild pep talk to hype me up because I wanted to be sick. I just didn’t let it get the better of me, and eventually I stopped worrying so much. You haven’t let me or anyone else down.”

“Faulkner isn’t going to see it like that. I walked out on him. I’ve missed so many classes my grades are going to be ass. I’ve ruined everything, Nate.”

“I know it feels like it. Honestly, I get it, and I’m not telling you that your feelings aren’t valid, but you can fix it. Faulkner’s the way he is because he loves the team, and he loves his players. He would not want you to hide away over fucking ice hockey.”

“I don’t know what to say to him… to say to everyone I’ve been avoiding. I feel like shit, and I can’t even explain why I react the way I do. It’s not fucking normal to just shut down like this, but I can’t stop it.”

Nate listens to me rant, saying nothing until I’m done. “Everyoneknows that you haven’t done anything to upset anyone. They want you to be okay, Hen. They miss you. Fuck, Stassie misses you, and I bet if I looked at my phone right now I’d have a thousand messages from her. But she’s stayed away, like you wanted, because you know how to handle yourself the best. They just all want you back, feeling good, whatever that looks like.”

“Do you practice giving speeches just in case you ever have an opportunity to give one?” Nate bursts out laughing, and it’s the light in the dark of the past few weeks. I laugh, too, rubbing my palms against my eyes.

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