Page 3 of Daydream

Albeit not unexpected, I wish he’d broken up with mebeforeI decided to give up my book club and rearranged my class schedule to give me time to visit for his games.

I saydecided, but since we’re not together now I guess I don’t need to spin things to make Will look better anymore. I can admit that Will begged me to all summer, even though I repeatedly said I didn’t want to, until I finally gave up arguing after he said that all the other girlfriends make the effort. I did it as soon as the school year restarted. I hated letting the bookstore down on such short notice, but they were so sweet about it, and one of their booksellers is excited to take over.

“Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t want to make our friends feel like they need to pick a side, and me not being there will probably make that easier.”

If I didn’t know Will as well as I do, I might have missed the way his eyebrows pinched together and he started to pout, but itwasdefinitely there. That look of incredulity. “Ha, yeah.” He scratches at his jaw. “Everyone’s been telling me to end things for a while, so I don’t know how they’d be if you were there. Awkward, probably.”

For the first time since he uttered, “I think we should break up,” I feel like crying. Even though to me it was obvious that something wasn’t right between us, the idea that all his college friends have been weighing in and collectively decided he should end things makes my stomach twist.

I’ve always made an effort to go to the games I could drive to, even before we were a couple. I wore his jersey, sat with the other girlfriends, cheered him on. I looked up their interests, tried my hardest to fit in while they talked about people from their college I didn’t know, because my friends have always been Will’s friends. Even as kids, he was always introducing me to someone new.

His words are still stinging as I watch him finally finish the rest of his coffee. He looks so unbothered, yet I’m fighting the desire to find the nearest field and bury myself in it. “Not my friends anymore, got it.”

“They were never really your friends in the first place when you think about it.” He’s staring at me, waiting for me to say something, like he didn’t just throw my biggest insecurity in my face as casually as asking for the weather. “Do you ever wonder if you’d have your own friends if you didn’t live in a fantasy world?”

“God, you sound like your parents right now. People can enjoy reading and still maintain a healthy attachment to reality, Will,” I drawl. “I’m not a social pariah because I like fiction. Nobody has ostracized me from the Maple Hills social calendar because I read romance novels. Maybe if I spent more time in Maple Hills instead of following you around, I’d have my own friend group here.”

He snorts, and he’s one more arrogant action away from getting a croissant launched at his head. “Maybe if you were as invested in our relationship as you are in ones that aren’t real, I wouldn’t have just wasted a year of my life.”

It’s incredible how one conversation can change how someone looks to you. “I think you should head home now.”

“Don’t be so sensitive, Hals.” He stands from his seat and walks to my side. The arm that drops onto my shoulder feels ten times heavier than it should, and his kiss to the crown of my head burns like acid. “I’m just putting myself first. Doing things for me, y’know. It’s a fresh year and I deserve a fresh start. Hockey is get—”

His voice rumbles on in the background, but I can’t bring myself to listen properly because it’s taking every shred of my self-control not to launch into a rant about how Idoknow, because I’ve also been putting him first for as long as I can remember. Putting everyone first, in fact.

I’ve spent my entire life being encumbered by the tasks and responsibilities other people don’t want. I make sacrifices without question because that’s what I’ve always done, and at this point, it’s hard to know if it’s a true desire to help or just habit.

As my family blended and grew through my parents divorcing and remarrying other people, my list of people to help grew, too. Even though Grayson is the oldest, everything has fallen to me. For as long as I can remember, all I’ve heard is, “Oh, Halle won’t mind helping,” and not once, “Halle, do you mind?” or, “Halle, do you have time?”

I don’t remember opting in, and I’m tired.

I’d love to say my issues with people pleasing are limited to the people I love, but I know they’re not. Whether it’s Will, his friends, his parents, neighbors… strangers…

It feels like every single person who has ever come into contact with my life has somehow wriggled their way above me on my list of priorities, and look where it’s gotten me.

Single, no friends, no hobbies, and a schedule perfect for being the ideal hockey girlfriend but little else given I now have nothing to fill that time with.

I’m tired of being a passenger in my own life. So if Will is going to spend junior year doing things for himself, so am I.

Chapter TwoHENRY

IF TIME TRAVEL WERE REAL,I’d use it to go back and convince Neil Faulkner to turn down the opportunity to coach college hockey.

Despite my best intentions, and twenty long years of practice, I’m not always on the pulse when it comes to understanding people’s motivations. I am, however, usually on the pulse of not getting on Coach’s bad side. Which is why a knot of anxiety appears in my stomach the second I hear my name being yelled in Faulkner’s gruff bark.

“Ooooooooo.” Bobby’s best attempt at sounding like a cartoon ghost causes a wave of laughter to rip through the half-full locker room. He misses the glare I shoot at him as he pulls his Titans T-shirt over his head. “Someone’s in trouble. Whatcha done, Cap?”

“No idea,” I mutter back as I pull my sweats up my legs. “Play hockey. Breathe. Exist. The possibilities are endless.”

“It’s been nice knowing ya, brother,” Mattie says, patting me on the back as he passes in the direction of the showers. “Don’t tell the others, but you were always my favorite.”

“Am I a joke to you?” Kris shouts, launching what looks like a dirty sock at him. It bounces off the back of Mattie’s head, ruffling his jet-black hair, and rolls beneath a bench.

And just like that, my tolerance for my teammates has reached its limit for the day.

“I’m sure it’s fine.” Russ attempts to reassure me, rubbing his towel against his wet hair. “If you’re not back when I’m ready to go, I’ll wait for you at my truck.”

We’re only a few weeks into the new school year and I already feel like what I imagine being run over is like. During the summer I spent a lot of time googling what makes a good captain, and while I don’t feel like I have the exact answer, I’m trying to put into practice the few points I picked up. I’m the first one here and the last to leave. I’ve been making the effort to encourage the new, less confident players. I’m trying to be positive, which means not always saying the first thing that comes to mind. Being open to trying new things when it’s in my nature to stick to what I know. I’ve been doing my full workout instead of letting myself get distracted by the perfect playlist. I don’t spend practice daydreaming.

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