Page 58 of Out of My Flocking Mind

“Are you okay?” he asked, his voice so quiet, it was difficult to hear above the buzzing of the florescent overhead light. “Did Ryder harm you?”

I shook my head until I recalled he still hadn’t looked up at me. “Not really. I stopped the car when he first attacked my mind, then he let off. I think he wanted to talk to me or something.”

“How did you get away?”

“The old dirt in the eyes trick. Turns out that works with anyone.”

He laughed. “Well, I’m glad you did that even if you did think he was me. It is good to know you’ll defend yourself against anyone—myself included. Still, you were in that position because of me, because of my actions, and because I didn’t admit the full truth to you. For that, I am sorry. I have tried to control Ryder, to keep him from harming others, but he has been unhinged his entire life. Then again, he was truly cheated.”

“Maybe he was cheated,” I said, “but he wasn’t cheated by you. Sometimes life sucks—I know that better than most people. Trying to find someone to blame for it doesn’t help at all—it just makes you angry. You have to put on your big girl panties and deal with the shitty parts of life sometimes.”

Finally, he lifted his gaze to look right at me. Surprise rested there like he hadn’t expected me to say that.

That look got me to keep going. “You can’t blame yourself for the actions of others. It’s a long road you just don’t want to go down. It’s too hard, too painful, and there’s no way to win that battle. No matter what you do, no matter how you try to fix it, you’ll always come up short because you can’t take responsibility for what others do.”

“You blame yourself for Trey,” he pointed out.

“Look here—I give excellent advice but I don’t always take it as well. Besides, Trey got hurt because I used him to get the supplier’s attention. That’s different from you and Ryder.”

“Is it? You didn’t hurt him, but you still carry the weight of that action. Perhaps we both need to learn to put blame on the person who deserves it rather than holding it ourselves.”

I knew he wanted me to agree, but I couldn’t quite do that, not when Trey had yet to wake. Instead, I changed the subject. “So, do you actually know where Ryder is?”

“No. When I went to that meeting, it was to try to locate him.”

“But you couldn’t find him?”

“Ryder was not just born without powers—he is like a negative space when it comes to Mind powers. In other words, I cannot read anything from him. He creates a void, so I have no way to locate him. I wasn’t sure that he was the one who had attacked you, but I knew he was behind selling the Cloud locally. I recognized the formula as soon as he sold it here.”

“Why would he come here, though? Why come back to where you were if he knew you could stop him?”

“Because he has always wanted to take what I have back. He feels cheated by life, by me, feeling as though I’d stolen everything that he should have had. I think the idea that I would rule here bothers him, because he doesn’t want me to live peacefully if he can’t. He has shown back up to throw my life into chaos more times than I can count. In fact, I fear him realizing I know you might actually make him obsess over you even more.”

His words suddenly helped everything make so much more sense. The way Harrison had swooped in so fast, seeming to take responsibility for everything. The fact he’d seemed one step ahead when it came to investigation was because he’d already known about much of it. The way he’d kept me close also made more sense—he blamed himself for what had happened.

“I never wanted you hurt because of this. Ryder is my problem, my shadow. It is my job to deal with him, and I hate the idea that you suffered because of it.”

I got up from my seat and moved over to stand before Harrison, waiting until he lifted his gaze and looked into my eyes. “This isn’t your fault. You weren’t the one who hurt me, but you were the one who has saved me more than a few times.”

“But—”

I poked his temple, just away from the cut. “Besides, I did this. I feel like that makes us about even.”

He blew out a long breath, then offered me the barest hint of a smile. Even subtle, it felt real. “Fine. I still think you should be far angrier with me than you are, but you have never struck me as someone with much sense. Also, you brought me here, so even if you did hit me, I suppose you took responsibility for it. And, I can hardly blame you for running. I didn’t expect you to be quite so attuned to notice the same power between me and Ryder, so I never thought you would catch that. It seems I underestimated you.”

“Story of my life,” I said with a laugh, trying to ease some of the tension. Sure, I could easily blame Harrison for a lot of this, but the pain in his expression made me not want to. Instead, I found myself wanting to remove some of that weight, to reassure him that was fine.

“What will you do now?”

“Now? A coffee of an entirely unhealthy amount. Like, I want to bring in an empty pitcher and just hand over a credit card—tell them to pour until we hit the credit limit.”

“I’m serious. Now that you know the person after you is my brother, now that you know I knew about it, are you going to leave?”

“Would you let me?”

“I’ve never forced you to stay. I truly believe you are safest by my side, but I can understand why you might not agree. For that reason, you could choose to go elsewhere. I would continue to track Ryder even in your absence.” He spoke quietly, and I could tell how much he didn’t want to say any of that. The truth was obvious—he wanted me to stay.

“It’s funny, because for a while, all I really wanted was to leave. I don’t like feeling trapped, and I miss being on my own, however…” I paused, trying to figure out how to phrase the rest of my statement so it wasn’t misconstrued. “Now that I’ve got the option, I don’t really want to take it.”

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