Page 50 of The Only Goal

And without meaning to, I lost my best friend.

The thought brings on a fresh wave of tears, and I start to cry all over again. Hudson seems to snap out of his shocked reverie and pulls me close, kissing my forehead and murmuring that he loves me… and that everything’s going to be okay.

But it’s not.

Nothing is ever going to be the same again, and I mourn my childhood like I’m attending its funeral, weeping for what was and what I can never have again.

CHAPTER 22

BAXTER

Present day…

“Fezz, c’mere, boy.” I click my fingers and beckon him back to me.

His little ears perk up and he trots back through the grass, having to jump over longer patches. It’s going to be snowing in the next month or so. That’s gonna be fun to see. The little guy hasn’t really been around too much snow yet. He was only a puppy at the end of last winter, and I can just picture him jumping into the backyard and disappearing in a mound of white powder.

It makes me laugh. We’ll have to keep a close eye on the little guy.

I crouch low, petting his body while his tail wags. His little paws land on my knee, and he gives me a doggy smile. I really do love the guy. I know he’s not mine, but I’m stoked to be one of his faves.

And I think Kai is fast becoming one too.

It’s been a week since he smashed his face on the ice, and I was so relieved that I managed to get him back onto it. They came last Saturday and watched my Mini Mite game. It was pretty cool having them there, cheering on my team and watching me coach the chaos. My team lost, but the way Tammy and Kai cheered, you’d think we’d won a major final. I stared across the rink, loving her dimples and the way the pom-pom on her beanie danced when she pumped her arm and clapped. Kai got into it, too, his little legs swinging, and for just a second, I imagined they were mine.

I let myself pretend that we’d gone all the way that summer. That Tammy had become my girl and married me instead. Kai was ours, and Hudson didn’t exist. We were the Browns. Baxter, Tammy, and Kai Brown.

Damn, I wanted that to be true in ways I could never express.

But it never will be.

Kai is Hudson’s son, and nothing will ever change that.

Reality slaps me upside the head, and I focus back on Fezzik, picking up a small stick and hurling it through the air. With a happy bark, he chases after it, and my mind takes me back to Sunday, when Casey got Kai back on the ice. Seriously, the guy’s a miracle worker. For someone who thought he couldn’t be a dad, he’s pretty fucking awesome with kids.

Kai whined and worried as Tammy laced his boots.

“It’s going to be fine. There are four of us here to catch you, and even if you do fall again, you’re not going land on your face this time, because you’re gonna put your hands out like this.” She showed him once more, and he scowled at her.

But then Casey cajoled him, and then Caroline fell over, landing on her butt and laughing her head off. Casey helped her back to her feet, holding her and rubbing her ass with a playful grin.

Kai watched them having fun on the ice, saw the way she got back up and didn’t cry.

He inched to the edge of the rink.

I jumped onto the ice and skated circles around Casey and Caroline while Tammy held Kai’s hand and tried to encourage him.

“Come on, kid. You can do it.” Casey skated across, held out his hands, and Kai took them.

We then spent the next hour building up his confidence, and by the time Tammy’s teeth were chattering, Kai was skating between us, launching himself from one set of arms until he fell into the next.

It was pretty triumphant, and I bought us all ice cream to celebrate. Tammy seemed really grateful but only picked at her sundae. Casey ended up finishing it for her, and I sat there worrying that she was looking pale.

She’d seemed a bit off, and I was desperate to talk to her about it, but once we got back to Ponderosa, she lightened up and has been relatively happy since.

Rachel’s been keeping her busy, and she even met Vanessa yesterday. The uptight woman gave her the once-over. Tammy handled it like a pro and even responded politely when Vanessa told her that she would be moving out of that room before November first and needed to arrange other accommodations.

Tammy got super quiet after that, but I told her I’d help with it.

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