Page 43 of The Only Goal

“Oh, I’m being ridiculous? I’m not the one planning on leaving a perfectly good marriage!” Mom snips. “Now, tell me where you are. I’ll come and get you myself.”

I clamp my teeth together, struggling for calm as I repeat this part of the conversation yet again. “I don’t want to tell you where I am. I don’t want to tell Hudson where I am. I just want some space to think and breathe!”

“But you’re not thinking clearly.”

“Maybe I am.” I square my shoulders, lifting my chin and knowing full well that if my mother were standing in this room, I would not have the courage to be so bold.

“You’re not being practical. How are you supposed to support yourself and Kai? You have a child to feed and raise. You’re denying him his father. And a safe, secure life.”

“He’s safe and secure with me, and not once have I denied him access. If Hudson ever asked to speak with him, I’d hand the phone over in a second.”

“Yet you won’t tell him where you are.”

“I don’t want him showing up here unannounced. He needs to respect what I’m going through right now.”

“Yet you won’t respect him.”

“He cheated!” I shout. “He doesn’t deserve anything from me!” My hand flies into the air, slapping back against my thigh as I let out an exasperated scoff.

Mom’s sigh is heavy. I can feel the weight of it from miles away, and my shoulders slump without my say-so. “I know he made a huge mistake. But Tamara, he’s your meal ticket. You live in a beautiful home that most people would give anything to spend one night in. You can buy whatever you want. You don’t have to take a calculator to the grocery store, and Kai has a good, secure life. He will go to the best schools, and you don’t have to be a working mother. Do you have any idea how lucky you are?”

I close my eyes, hearing the pain in Mom’s voice, knowing all the things she sacrificed over the years by marrying a man who would never earn much over the minimum wage. She went back to work full-time when I was just one, and she’s always envied the time and attention I’ve been able to give Kai. She would have done anything to be a stay-at-home mother. But there were bills to pay and two daughters to feed. That’s why I spent so much time at Baxter’s house growing up. That’s probably one of the reasons she didn’t like Mrs. Brown. She was jealous, and it’s only in my adulthood that I’ve been able to understand it.

“If you choose this solo-mother path, you’ll be working all the time. You’ll never see Kai. You’ll be too stressed and tired to play with him and give him the attention he deserves. I don’t want that for him… or you.”

“But you’re happy for me to be in a loveless marriage?”

“You love each other.” Her voice pitches with disbelief. “Of course you love each other. So he strayed a little. He wants you back. That’s love, darling. You forgive. You work through it. You move on.”

My soul feels gray and depleted as I plunk onto the end of the bed, fighting tears. Guilt wraps its talons around my heart, squeezing until my chest starts to hurt. I rub the spot below my collarbone, but it does nothing to chase away this aching disquiet.

Mom lets me sniffle in silence for a few moments before softly murmuring, “I know this is hard and I’m hurting for you. I am. But you need a voice of reason in your life right now. A little practicality to speak over all this emotion you’re battling.”

I fist my flowy dress, crinkling the fabric beneath my fingers.

“You can’t just run away. Your friend Baxter always used to do that, and it solved nothing.”

My blood runs cold at the mention of him. If Mom knew he was the one I’d run to, she’d hit the roof.

“Do you remember? He’d run and hide when he was upset, and you’d get so frustrated with him.”

I bite the inside of my cheek.

“And now you’re doing the same thing to Hudson. Things don’t get resolved this way. They fester and turn nasty.”

My swallow is thick and audible. She knows I’m listening, and so she keeps torturing me.

“Be smart about this. You’re not the only person you have to think about. Kai deserves a stable life. And you can’t deny that Hudson is stable. He’ll provide for you. I know you’re probably sitting there second-guessing yourself, wondering if you should have married him. You probably felt a little forced into things because of the baby, but it’s a good match. I never would have wanted you to end up with someone like that Baxter boy. As soon as things got a little too tough, he would have been out the door, hiding away and leaving you high and dry. You don’t deserve that.”

I don’t deserve infidelity either.

“Tamara, are you listening to me? You haven’t said a word.”

I let out a dry laugh and shake my head. There are so many things I could say right now, but I’m not ready to do everything she’s telling me. Maybe it’s immature, but I don’t really care right now. I’m not ready to go back to Hudson… and so I take the easy out. “I heard every word, Mom. And I appreciate that you care so much about me and Kai, but I’m not ready to fix this. I don’t want to go back to a man who cheated on me. How am I ever supposed to trust him again?

“Now, I’m safe. Kai’s safe. He’s fed. He’s watered. He’s happy. And I feel… free.” I blink, realizing it for the first time. I do feel free, and I can’t even explain why.

“So, it’s divorce, then? Without even trying?”

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