Page 31 of The Only Goal

All I wanted to do was run to Baxter and hold him, comfort him… but I couldn’t. And the day after graduation, he left.

“Hey, you okay?”

I jerk when Rachel’s hand brushes my arm.

“Yeah, sorry. Just thinking.”

“I know you’ve probably got a lot on your mind right now. I don’t know all the details, but I’m a really good listener if you want to offload.”

My shoulders slump with a sigh, and I plunk onto the kitchen stool. “I was just remembering my wedding and that time of my life.”

“Oh yeah?” Rachel’s expression turns sympathetic. “How long have you been married? Or is this too painful to talk about?”

“Not painful…” I shake my head and wince as though it is. “I was only eighteen. Our parents really wanted us to tie the knot before the baby was born. And Hudson’s mom in particular couldn’t bear the thought of me showing when I was walking down the aisle, so we had this little wedding thrown together in like three weeks flat.” My throat grows thick. “We didn’t have a honeymoon. I was at school two days later, going to class and trying to study for my SATs. We lived with his parents until after graduation, which was… awful.” I bulge my eyes. “I mean, they’re not bad people, it’s just not a comfortable way to start a marriage. I felt like I was under a microscope, and my mom was constantly calling and checking in as well.” I huff and stick out my tongue. “That summer, his parents let us live in their rental, and I guess it got a little easier after that, but it just…” My shoulder hitches. “Wasn’t what I’d dreamed as a kid, you know? Some shotgun wedding and then moving in with my in-laws. It…” I let out a humorless laugh and shake my head.

“Yeah, I can imagine.” Rachel starts cleaning up the counter, throwing away eggshells and wiping up flour dust. “So, the fact that you’re staying here for a while… does that mean your marriage is not in a great place or…?”

“I guess that’s one way of putting it.” My shoulders hitch with a hopeless sigh. “I caught him cheating on me.”

“Oh shit.”

“Yep.” I nod. “They were doing it in the shower.”

Rachel gasps. “You walked in on it?”

“Yeah.” My eyes bulge, a shudder running through me. “And I have no idea if it was a onetime thing or if he’s been seeing this woman for months. He works long hours in the city, so who the hell knows.”

“Oh, sweetie. I’m so sorry.” She means it. I can tell by her sincere expression and gentle tone.

I rest my elbow on the counter, cradling my chin with a sad pout. “I really don’t know what to do other than ignore him for now. Though that’s probably immature. I need to face this, but I just want to hide and pretend like it isn’t happening to me.”

Rachel nods, rinsing off the dishcloth before turning to face me. “Do you still love him?”

For some reason, the answer doesn’t come quickly. It’s not that I’m struggling to word things just right. I guess I’m just trying to figure out what I’m feeling.

Eventually, I nod and murmur, “He’s the father of my child.”

“But do you really love him? Do you feel it here?” Rachel taps her chest.

I close my eyes, thinking about my time with Hudson. We did have some good moments. When we first got together, I adored him. I was obsessed. He was everything. And then I got pregnant, and it was terrifying. Marrying him was the only option our families would let us consider, so we did, and I guess it was pretty good. His proposal was this big romantic gesture, and when I said yes, the whole school cheered. It felt great. But then Kai was born, and he became my world. We moved to the city and Hudson got that job, and we just turned into two ships passing in the night. He was desperate to impress his bosses and rise through the ranks. He did. Fast. Because he’s so good at what he does. And I made my life all about motherhood and filling the spaces for Kai when his dad couldn’t be there to play with him.

Do I still love Hudson?

A part of me always will, I guess. “He’s the only guy I’ve ever been with,” I admit out loud, then feel the heat rise through my body when I think about that summer with Baxter. Our swimming hole mishap will be forever burned in my memory.

I’ve wondered a thousand times what would have happened if we’d slept together that day. Would he have become my boyfriend? Would Hudson have not even caught my attention?

Would my life have turned out completely differently?

“That’s why the betrayal hurts so much more.” Rachel’s voice is soft and kind. I glance at her, and we share a sad smile that gets disrupted by the oven timer.

She takes out the next batch of scones, and we eye them up like scientists until Baxter walks through the door.

I see him from the corner of my eye and can’t help turning to face him. He’s so big and powerful, yet those eyes are so gentle and?—

“You’ve shaved.” I state the obvious with a wispy voice as I’m hit with a battering ram of nostalgia. Without that beard, he looks like my best friend from high school. Sure, his face is more refined and manly, but there’s my BB.

And he’s one hot ticket.

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