Page 102 of The Only Goal

“I did.” I can see Mom’s smile and hear the way she’d answer me.

It brings comfort and despair in equal measure.

“I feel like such a coward sometimes, you know? Like I look back, and I have so many regrets. Why couldn’t I tell her how I felt? Why couldn’t I tell her to forget Hudson and be with me instead?”

Silence.

It’s long and thick and hollow.

Clenching my jaw, I sniff and force myself to talk some more. “I think maybe I was scared that if I tried, she’d tell me she didn’t want me, and I just… I couldn’t handle that, you know? So I convinced myself that she was happy with Hudson, that she loved him more than she could ever love me.” Now my jaw’s shaking, the words sounding raspy as I force them from my mouth. “But after spending that time with her in Nolan… the way we were together… what if I was wrong? What if she could love me as much as I love her?”

The breeze picks up and I snap my eyes shut, stiffening my body against the chill.

“But is it right to break up a marriage? To pull apart a happy home?”

He cheated on her. Were they really that happy?

“He made one mistake.” I scratch my chin.

Why the fuck am I standing up for this guy?

I frown, glaring at the ground.

You’d never cheat on her. Not ever. You know you wouldn’t.

My eyes dart to the gravestone again, and I think about how happy my parents always seemed to be. They were so honest with each other. They laughed together all the time. They told each other every embarrassing secret they had. I’m sure they did, because they knew they wouldn’t be judged for it.

My house was a judgment-free zone. It was like this little safety bubble in the middle of Gladstone. That’s why Tammy loved coming over so much. She could be herself…

She could just exist, and that was always enough.

“I wish I could tell her that,” I whisper to Mom. “Tell her that she’s enough just the way she is. That she wouldn’t have to change one little thing for me.” I purse my lips, emotion rising in me so thick and strong, I feel like I’m on the verge of splintering… or drowning in an ocean of tears.

Yes, that’s melodramatic, but… it kind of feels true.

I’m drowning in my own misery.

“I love her.” I sniff, battling the burn of tears in my eyes and nose. “I should have told her. I shouldn’t have said that going back to him was for the best. Marriage is supposed to be this sacred vow. I know it is. And yeah, people say you have to work at it. That it’s a lifelong commitment. But does that rule still apply when it never should have happened in the first place?”

The breeze tickles my neck and I rub at the spot, pulling my collar up.

“Why did she marry him, Mom? Was it just because she was pregnant? Or did she want it? Did she want him to be her husband?” I shake my head, remembering Hudson’s big proposal on the field. He’d hooked up the marching band to play her this song at the end of the pep rally. The girls in the stands all swooned as he surprised Tammy and got down on one knee. The place erupted with cheers, and all I could do was stand there as my heart shattered into tiny little pieces. She smiled down at him, bit her bottom lip, and then nodded like she meant it.

I thought she loved him the way I loved her.

But what if I was wrong?

What if…?

“What if I was wrong?” I stand, brushing off the back of my pants and heading for my car. I’m running by the time I reach it, crashing into the driver’s door before wrenching it open.

I don’t know what the fuck has come over me, but there’s this urgent insistence pulsing through my veins as I grab my phone and start googling. It doesn’t take me long to track down Tammy’s old high school girlfriends. One of them still lives in Gladstone, and I call Grace before I can change my mind.

“Hello?”

“Uh… hi.” I clear my throat.

“Who is this?”

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