Page 94 of The Only Goal

“I’m sleeping in the guest room.” I grab a fresh pair of pajamas out of my dresser.

“How’s that going to look for Kai when he wakes up? Won’t that just confuse him?”

I close my eyes, gripping the edge of the dresser.

“Do you want to explain what’s been going on? As far as I’m aware, he just thinks you two have been away on vacation, right? You didn’t tell him anything else, did you? He knows we’re still together. That his Mommy and Daddy love each other. Right?”

I don’t know how to respond to that.

But I guess that’s what Kai needs to hear for his own security. Every kid wants to know their parents love each other, right? That they’re staying together.

So, with a slow nod, I turn to face the man I married. I try for a smile, but my lips are too heavy. All I can do is stare at that bed and whisper, “I don’t want you touching me.”

My words hurt him, but the thought of him trying to spoon me… or anything else… is too much.

He nods, shuffling farther over to his side of the bed. “I won’t.”

A twitch jerks my spine when I finally shuffle to the bed. I took way too long brushing and flossing and putting my pajamas on in the bathroom so he couldn’t see me naked. This all feels so weird. He’s my husband, and I’m acting like I’m hopping into bed with a perfect stranger. I stay right along my edge, grateful we own a king.

“So…” He flicks his iPad off and looks at me. “One question I’ve been meaning to ask…”

I tense.

“How did you get to stay at the bed-and-breakfast? It doesn’t open for a couple weeks yet. Did you just show up and beg or…?”

Clenching my jaw, I think about telling him that I fled to Baxter, but I’m exhausted, and I don’t have it in me to deal with that conversation right now, so I shake my head and avoid the lie with an honest excuse. “I’m really tired. Can we talk later?”

Flicking off my lamp, I snuggle beneath the blankets, feeling anything but cozy.

“Yeah, of course.” He follows my lead and settles down for the night.

I keep my back to him, hugging my edge of the bed and wishing for a moment that Kai didn’t exist. How different would my life be if I never got pregnant?

Would Hudson and I have stayed together?

I honestly don’t know. I loved him then… I probably still love him a little now, but being with Baxter changed something within me.

If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, I probably would have gone to college. I would have pursued a career. I’d been thinking about teaching… maybe preschool or kindergarten.

Who knows how life would have panned out if I’d gotten out of Gladstone as a young woman?

Maybe Hudson and I would have broken up and met other people.

Maybe Baxter and I would have found each other again.

My heart writhes in my chest every time his name whistles through my mind.

I close my eyes, fighting off another wave of tears.

But if I had never gotten pregnant, Kai wouldn’t exist.

And he’s the most precious thing to me.

Whatever decisions I make while he’s in my care have to be for his sake.

And he deserves a stable family. I won’t put him through some messy divorce. It’s not fair to him.

Somehow, I have to forgive Hudson and find some level of contentment with him.

---