Page 83 of The Only Goal

Why the hell are you spiraling right now, Tammy?

Stop being so fucking practical!

You should be stripping off your clothes and getting back against his warm, solid body. What the fuck are you doing?

An apology is wedged in my throat—soft words that might have him opening up to me again.

But for some reason, they won’t come out.

I should explain what I’m feeling—tell him each and every one of my fears. Tell him about Hudson’s threat and my primal need to protect my son above all else.

But… Baxter won’t even look at me right now. It’s happening again. I say something he doesn’t want to hear, so he silently pushes me away.

Why isn’t he begging me to stay? Fighting for me? Telling me I’m wrong?

Disappointment wars against my practical logic.

What will getting back into his bed really achieve? More confusion.

Kai can’t wake up to find us naked together. How will I even explain that to him? We’re lucky we didn’t get busted on the weekend and that he so easily bought Baxter’s sleepover story.

But sleepovers are an occasional thing, which means I need to get back to my son.

I open my mouth to say good night, but Baxter won’t even glance my way when I move. His eyes are fixed on the wall, and the stony expression on his face is killing me.

So I slip out of the room and head downstairs.

Kai’s blissfully unaware of my turmoil as I slide into the bed. His soft, sleepy sounds can usually lull me to sleep as well, but I can’t switch off. Tears make my eyes ache, and I sniffle into my pillow. It’s cold and lonely without Baxter, and part of me wishes I had the courage to invite him into my life this way.

But how are we supposed to make it work?

Ponderosa is a dream. A break from reality. But it’s not a long-term solution. It’s time for me to stop running away and ignoring the problem. I need to figure out a plan for my life, and the question has to start with “What’s best for Kai?”

* * *

A soft knock at the door wakes me. I have no idea what time it is, but there’s light behind the curtains, and Kai is sitting up in bed, flicking through a stack of picture books.

Rachel’s head pops through the door, and she cringes at me.

“What?” I sit up, my head groggy after such a restless sleep.

“You’ve got a visitor,” she softly tells me. I can sense by her tone and the pained look on her face that it’s a visitor I don’t want to see.

For a second, I worry that it’s my mother. But how’d she find out where I was?

Ugh. Hudson probably called and told on me.

Anger bubbles as I try to steel myself for whatever awaits me.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” I grit out.

“Okay.” Rachel disappears, and I turn to look at Kai.

“Hey, Mommy.” His sweet smile does my heart in, and I touch his face.

“Morning, kiddo.” I kiss him and force myself out of bed.

I’m shaking as I pull on some sweats and a hoodie that’s still stained from the last time Kai and I made chocolate cake. We had a bit of a cocoa powder incident. Our laughter skips through my memory, and I smile down at my son, knowing that whatever choices I make going forward have to be for his benefits. That’s the role of the mother, right? Children first.

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