Page 101 of The Only Goal

I just have to get over myself. Somehow, I have to forgive Hudson and learn to love him again.

Did you ever really love him?

Of course I did. I wouldn’t have slept with him if I hadn’t loved him.

I’m just not sure I love him anymore.

I’m not sure that the starry-eyed virgin I was in my senior year of high school is the woman I am now.

I’m not sure if what Hudson and I had then is strong enough to last the distance.

But it must.

Because I have a son who I love more than anything. A son who deserves a stable, happy home.

Slashing the tears off my face, I straighten as I hear Kai coming down the stairs. He creeps into the kitchen, his eyes big as he looks around.

“Where’s Daddy?”

“He had to go out for a little drive, but he’ll be back in time for dinner.” I put on a bright voice, though I doubt I’m doing a very good job of hiding my emotion. I’m sure my face is blotchy.

Snatching a tissue out of the box, I quickly blow my nose, then wash my hands.

“Want to help me make dinner?”

He nods, pulling his stool around the counter so he can reach.

“Sorry Daddy couldn’t help you with those Legos.”

“That’s okay. I didn’t think he’d come anyway.”

I still, my hand frozen on the carrots I’m about to peel. “You didn’t?”

Kai shrugs.

And that cold sadness I’m trying so hard to fight decides to settle into the marrow of my bones.

CHAPTER 49

BAXTER

The sky is overcast, the chilly wind whistling down my collar and catching the ends of my hair. I pull my beanie down a little lower and hunch my shoulders, tramping over the wet grass and fallen leaves until I reach Mom’s gravesite.

Crouching down, I brush the dead leaves away, cleaning up her plot and tracing the letters of her name engraved on the headstone.

“Hey, Mom,” I whisper, my soul heavy and sore as I find a perch on the grass. My ass will get wet, but I don’t even care. “It’s been a while.” I hook my elbows onto the top of my knees and stare at her inscription. “Dad’s good. He asked me to say hi. We’ve been hanging out at the house a lot, just… you know.” I shrug. She does. Dad’s convinced she’s watching over us, and I like to believe that, too, so she would have heard every conversation and seen every quiet evening watching hockey on TV and not talking at all.

I work my jaw to the side, wondering why I’m even here if I’m just gonna sit and say nothing. I’m so fucking good at that.

I can bleed ink straight from my heart to a page, but do you think I can say anything aloud?

It’s a curse. The words get all jumbled in my throat, and I can’t get them out… or I say the wrong thing.

And then the woman I love walks away from me thinking I wanted her to go.

My fingers are trembling as I rub my forehead.

“Dad thinks you’d be stoked that I finally hooked up with TT. You always loved her. And I think you knew how much I loved her too.”

---